26. HOLDEN
HOLDEN
The gravel crunches beneath our boots as we walk to the trees. The voices fade the farther we get from the fire. I slow down when we reach the creek, not trusting myself to go any further without a flashlight. When I glance back, I know we’re far enough away we won’t be overheard.
Korie is right beside me, arms folded across their chest, like they’re bracing for something.
I keep my hands in my pockets. Otherwise, I’d have to touch them. It’s driving me crazy to be this close and not have them in my arms.
“Holden, I—”
I hold a hand up. “Let me go first.”
Korie bristles, but slowly nods.
I take a steadying breath. “I’ve been thinking about this all day, trying to find the right way to say it.”
A faint whiff of their floral shampoo hits me and I lose some of my composure. “Do you remember when we were seven and we found that sled in the forest by my parents’ old house?”
Korie seems surprised I’d bring that up. They slowly nod.
“I was so sure we could make it home on that thing, but you were too afraid to even get on it.”
Korie doesn’t move.
“You just kept looking toward the house and back at me, and there was so much fear in your eyes, Kor. But then…” I pause, throat tightening. “Then you climbed on, right in front of me, and said if there was ever anyone you trusted, it’s me.”
Korie smirks. “I was right to be scared. We crashed pretty badly. You ended up with that cut on your chin.”
“I know. But we also laughed so hard we couldn’t stand up straight.”
Korie’s eyes soften.
“It sounds so stupid, but I think that was the first time I knew you were truly something special to me. Like I was old enough to understand you were someone I always wanted around.”
Korie’s lip wobbles, but they don’t move.
“Then when we were ten, we went to Disneyland with our families. I wanted to go on the Flying Carpet ride, but you didn’t want to. Just before I was about to step out of line so we could stay together, you changed your mind. All four-foot-whatever of you.”
“Shut up,” they say. “We’re the same height now.”
“Then I convinced you to go biking in the hills, and we got lost.”
“Oh, god,” Korie snorts. “Don’t remind me. I swear that mountain lion was going to eat us!”
“There was no mountain lion.”
“There was too!”
I shake my head and step closer. “Then in middle school, we went to our first dance. We were both too embarrassed to ask anyone to dance, so we danced together and made total fools of ourselves, anyway.”
Korie finally smiles. “Freshman homecoming too. We couldn’t find any decent guys to go with, and everyone assumed we were a couple. We had to correct everyone for months.”
I hesitate, knowing the next one might hurt. “And that year, we joined the swim team.”
They flinch. “Hold—”
“I never blamed you, Korie. Ever. I shouldn’t have said those things because I know you didn’t quit because of me. I was confused and hurt, and I felt like I was losing you all over again. But even back then, I knew something bigger was going on, even if you couldn’t tell me.”
Korie shifts nervously, and I can see them trembling.
“I’ve been thinking back, and you know what I remembered?”
They don’t reply.
“It was always me. I pushed us to join the team. I pushed us to try out for the college team too. And I kept pushing us over and over. From when we were seven until two months ago when I pushed you for a date.”
“Holden.”
“I hear you now, Kor. That’s what I’m trying to say.
I see it. We were always so connected, but just slightly misaligned.
I was going too fast, too far. And you were always just trying to keep up.
I think… maybe I kept dragging you into things before you were ready. I just got excited and ran ahead.”
Korie dashes at their eyes.
“And I—” I swallow hard, knowing the next few words are going to be the hardest of my life. “If I ever made you feel cornered or rushed or… I don’t know. Like you couldn’t breathe for a second? I’m really fucking sorry.”
Korie finally steps forward, touching my face. “You big dummy. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably be a permanent couch burrito.”
I suck in a painful breath.
“I need a push sometimes. Yeah, you can go too far, but that wasn’t the case with the team. You need to hear that. I wouldn’t have joined if I didn’t want to do it.”
“I had to beg you.”
“Yeah, and you had to beg me to get on that sled or climb that rickety old treehouse too. Because I was scared, Holden. That’s it.
Once I did it, I was fine. I loved swim team.
I loved competing with you. It was always you and me.
Up until the moment…” Korie looks away for a second, and when they finally turn back, tears are sliding down their cheeks.
“I loved it up until the moment I felt like I was losing myself to the sport. And then I couldn’t do it anymore.
But that wasn’t about you. Quitting was never about you, Holden.
Ever. I felt like I was drowning and, at the time, I didn’t have words for what was going on. I just had to do something.”
I nod. “I know.”
“I will always go on the adventures with you. I just need time to get excited about them, is all. Let me dream about it for a bit before pulling me into the deep end. I’m an energetic panda, but I’m also a deep-feeling panda.
Sometimes small things are big to me, and what we started?
Babe, that wasn’t small. I needed time to know I was going to be okay. ”
I nod.
Korie’s fingers brush my cheeks, wiping away tears. “And trust me, I have some pretty scary dreams for us too. You’re going to need to process them when I tell you.”
I finally choke on a laugh. “Oh yeah?”
“Mm-hmm.” Korie closes the gap, standing directly in front of me. “I’m sorry for hurting you. You’ve always been my best friend—”
I lean in but Korie stops me.
“I’m asking if you still want to be my boyfriend too. Because I’d really like that.”
This time I do kiss them. Deeply. Korie hugs me tight, body trembling with relief and quiet sobs.
“Does this mean I don’t have to sleep with the bears?” Korie murmurs.
I laugh softly, lifting them in a hug. “No, hon. Definitely not.”
I pull back, searching their face. “I love you.”
Korie smiles so big it touches their eyes. “I love you too.”
I hold them close, unwilling to let them go now that they’re finally here. “Have you spent the last week rethinking every tiny detail of our life too?”
Korie snorts. “Maybe.” They kiss me swiftly before saying, “I have a surprise for you. But you’ll need to wait to see it until tomorrow.”
“Oh?”
“It’s… um, well, since we need to break the news to our families, I kind of came up with a plan.”
“Does it involve confetti? Because you know I hate that shit.”
Korie loops an arm around my back. “No confetti. Just trust me.”
I kiss their hair. “Always.”
We walk around the far end of the pasture toward the picnic table for Korie’s bags, then head toward our tent. Korie pauses, noticing how far away it is from the others. “You gave us privacy.”
I shrug. “Took some duct tape to get it up, but, you know. Should hold.”
“Do I want to know?”
“Probably not.”
It takes ten minutes to flatten out Korie’s mattress and unroll the sleeping bag. Korie doesn’t hesitate to unzip them so we can sleep together.
As soon as they lie down, I pull them against me. Korie stifles a giggle as I roll into them, halfway pinning them to the ground and kissing them everywhere.
I laugh against their neck and they writhe, trying to push me away.
“I missed you,” I say.
They relax instantly, their arms going around me. “You too.”
I lift my face to kiss them, sliding a hand up their side. It pulls their shirt up, my palm grazing bare skin. Korie flinches and breaks the kiss, turning away.
I pause. “Did I hurt you?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
Korie goes very still. “Are you—fuck, it shouldn’t matter. I know you love me.”
I’d felt Korie bristle—whatever bothered them, I want to know. “Tell me.”
“Are you…” They swallow and try again. “Are you attracted to me when I’m masc too?”
The question comes out so fast it takes my brain a second to process. I’m stunned they even have to ask. “I’m always attracted to you.”
They don’t reply.
“I’m not just saying that. I’ve always thought you were beautiful, but it’s definitely stronger now. I think you’re hot no matter how you present. Fem, masc, non-binary. I see it all, and I also see you.” I cup Korie’s face. “The person inside, I mean. You’re incredible, Korie.”
They hesitate, turning into my palm. When they speak, their voice is lower. “I think that’s part of what made me panic. I’m just so used to men preferring one thing, you know. I kept waiting… afraid…” Korie’s voice cracks.
“Have I ever done that? Treated you like I like one version of you more than another?”
“No.”
“Exactly. Because I don’t. I like all of you. Trust me when I say I want all of you too. Okay?”
Korie studies me, then finally relaxes, pulling me in for a kiss. “Then hurry up and get these clothes off. I want you too.”
We slip out of our clothes and I slide against Korie, groaning when I feel their naked body.
They sigh and wrap both arms around me. Our lips meet in a tender kiss that quickly turns heated.
Korie slides a hand up my thigh to my ass, pulling me impossibly close.
After the stress of the last few days, being with them again is exactly what I need.
I kiss down their throat, coaxing them to their back, and sliding a hand past their stomach to palm their hardening cock.
Korie stifles their moans against my shoulder, quickly parting their legs.
They return the favor, stroking me as we make out.
Just as I am about to sit up to dig the lube and condoms out of the side pocket of my bag, Korie pulls some packs out from inside their pillow, making me laugh.
“You came prepared,” I whisper.
“I had a feeling we’d need them.”