Chapter 31 #2
"We were trying to protect you," I said, knowing how weak it sounded. "You were already dealing with so much. We thought... we hoped we could handle it before you ever had to know."
"Protect me," she repeated, the words bitter on her tongue. "Like you protected me that night? Like you protected me when you left me alone after dinner with your father? Like you protected me when you whipped me and branded me based on a lie?"
Each accusation landed like a physical blow. I had no defence, no justification. She was right. I had failed her, again and again and again.
"I'm sorry," I said, the words pathetically inadequate. "I know that doesn't change anything, doesn't fix anything, but I am so fucking sorry, Cade."
She closed her eyes, tears leaking from beneath her lashes.
"Why are you even here, Logan? You've been avoiding me for weeks.
You can barely stand to be in the same room as me.
So why now?" The question caught me off guard.
Had my avoidance been that obvious? Of course it had.
Cole and Ryder had called me out on it multiple times.
But I had convinced myself that Cade was too wrapped up in her own recovery to notice my absence.
"I haven't been avoiding you," I lied, the words sounding hollow even to my own ears.
"Don't," she said, her eyes snapping open, a flash of the old Cade in her glare. "Don't lie to me. Not now. Not after everything." I ran a hand through my hair, searching for words that wouldn't make this worse.
"Fine. Yes, I've been avoiding you. But not for the reasons you think."
"Then why?" she demanded, pushing herself up to sitting, wincing slightly at the movement. She was still so thin, so fragile, despite Rosa's best efforts to feed her back to health.
"Because I'm damaged now? Because I'm dirty? Because you've seen what they did to me and you can't stand the sight of me anymore?"
"What? No!" The suggestion horrified me. "Cade, no. That's not it at all."
"Then what?" she pressed, her voice rising. "Why won't you even look at me, Logan? Why do you leave the room when I enter? Why are you never here when I wake up screaming from nightmares?"
I stood abruptly, unable to sit still under the weight of her questions. I paced the length of her room, feeling caged, cornered by truths I wasn't ready to face.
"Because it's my fault!" The words exploded from me, louder than I intended. "All of it. Every single fucking thing that happened to you is my fault, Cade." She stared at me, momentarily silenced by my outburst.
"If I hadn't dragged you to Covenant House in the first place, if I hadn't participated in those fucked-up punishments, if I had just stayed with you that night instead of driving off like a petulant child, none of this would have happened.
You would be safe. You would be whole." The admission left me breathless; the guilt that had been eating me alive was finally given voice.
I leaned against her dresser, suddenly exhausted.
"You think I avoid you because I'm disgusted? I avoid you because I can't bear to see what I've done to you. I can't stand to be reminded of how I failed you, over and over and over again."
The silence that followed was deafening. I couldn't bring myself to look at her, to see the agreement in her eyes. Yes, it was my fault. Yes, I had ruined her life. Yes, I deserved her hatred, her contempt, her disgust.
"I need you." Her voice was so soft I almost didn't hear it. I looked up, certain I had misunderstood.
"What?"
"I need you," she repeated, her voice stronger this time. "I can't do this without you, Logan. Without all of you." I shook my head, disbelieving.
"You have Ryder and Cole. They've been here for you. They know how to help you."
"And I need them," she agreed. "But I need you too.
Different parts of me need different things from each of you.
And right now, I need something that only you can give me.
" There was something in her tone, a desperation that went beyond the conversation we were having.
I approached the bed cautiously, trying to read her expression in the dim light.
"What do you need from me, Cade?" She took a deep, shuddering breath.
"Do you remember the first night I spent in your room? What you said to me?"
The memory flashed through my mind, Cade beneath me on my bed, flushed and wanting despite her defiance. The way I had teased her brought her to the edge and then left her wanting.
"I said a lot of things that night," I hedged, uncertain where this was going.
"You told me I would have to beg you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "That when I did, you would make me forget everything. My name, where I was, everything but the feeling of you inside me." My breath caught in my throat. Surely she couldn't be suggesting...
"Cade-"
"I'm begging you now," she interrupted, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. "I need to forget, Logan. Just for a little while. I need to not be the girl from those videos. I need to feel something else, something that belongs to me, that I chose."
I stared at her, stunned by the request. After everything she had been through, after the violation and trauma, how could she want this? How could she want me?
"I can't," I said, taking a step back. "Cade, you're not thinking clearly. After what you've been through, after what happened today, "
"Please," she whispered, the word breaking on a sob. "I'm begging you. Don't break your promise to me."