Chapter 22
Tank made a gagging sound in the back of his throat.
Clarissa ignored it and clapped her hands.
“I wanted to thank all of you for coming on week night. Mollas, so great you found a babysitter for the ten kids and your three llamas. It has to be tough.” She handed the popcorn bowl to Roan and went over the loveseat - to give them elbow bumps?
“What the fuck?” Tank didn't get it.
“Language.” Willow said, “They take the channeling of emotion through physical interaction very seriously.”
Clarissa wasn't done. “And it means a lot to me that you Lillian and Sean took time away from your in-house Rattus norvegicus rescue charity.”
She actually gave them a hug, and Roan wondered if Tank caught what nonsensical verbiage she'd used. Judging by the bulging of Drew’s eyes, he understood that Clarissa had congratulated them for rescuing sewer rats.
Then she did something that would irritate Tank to no end. “Drew. Such a great friend to do all the shopping. You've been so supportive of me, always there for me as a shoulder to lean on or to hear me out.”
She gave Drew a huge hug that lasted too long, and he participated without complaint.
Yep, it would piss Tank off. Honestly, it annoyed Roan too, even if it was all an act.
“Maybe we should have presents and cake.” Roan got up, ending the embrace.
“Great idea!” Willow hopped up, looped her arm in his, and led everyone to the table. “Presents first.”
There were five presents on the table and Roan noticed none of them had cards. Either they’d come that way or Drew had removed them when he’d gotten the popcorn.
Clarissa reached for the small box that would have been from Roan, and Willow said, “Pick the brown one. It has negative vibes.”
So Clarissa opened Tank's gift, which contained pepper spray, a rape whistle, and a retractable self defense baton. “Great. Exactly what I hoped for.”
“It's from me,” Tank said.
“With energy like that, it would be,” Willow commented from Roan's side. Tank noticeably tightened his jaw, containing his ire.
Willow didn't stop Clarissa from opening a yeti water bottle for call nights from the Mollas and a true old fashioned film camera from Lillian and Sean. These were actual gifts that showed they knew Clarissa well and their affection was genuine.
Unlike when Willow directed her to open Roan's gift. “This one's from the two of us.”
“This is so pretty.” Clarissa removed two delicate pieces of jewelry. “I needed a tennis bracelet and a necklace.”
That was one way of interpreting the gift.
They were actually an anklet and belly chain, specifically ordered in her favorite colors of turquoise and pink.
Roan had intended for them to be part of the next time she wanted to be slave-princess to Thulsa Doom.
The jewelry was small enough for her to wear under her scrubs, a secret indulgence.
Based on her slight blush, she was thinking along the same lines.
“It's exactly what you need to find equilibrium in your chi. The aquamarine to balance the calm of your divine femininity and pink calcite to bring your chakra empathy.” Roan had to give Willow credit for her ability to improv the most interesting explanations on the fly.
Tank had remained silent through this, and Roan caught Willow and Clarissa exchanging exasperated looks as she picked up the last package.
This particular gift was supposed to be from Simone, Willow and peripherally Drew. However, based on process of elimination, Drew was now solely responsible for the gift's contents.
Clarissa peeled away the turquoise wrapping paper for a clothing box... and a silky pink robe inside.
“This is gorgeous. Oh, and it has a thong!” Clarissa exclaimed. “I can't wait to try it on.”
Poor Drew who was trying to maintain any semblance of composure. He must not have been aware of the hand grenade disguised as what could have been a gag gift from her roommates.
Predictably Tank started shouting. “Did you actually buy my little sister lingerie?”
Willow had a ready comment. “I wouldn't consider it lingerie. It's more of a friendly gesture between friends, like a spa package.”
Tank lifted the robe. “Only if the friendly gesture says 'I want to fuck your sister!”
Clarissa held up one hand. “Tank, It's okay.”
“The hell it is!” Tank was moving toward Drew.
Roan debated restraining him because it was very possible Tank would kill Drew. On the other hand, the women seemed determined to continue this farce, and he didn't want to salt their game.
Yep, Willow calmly stood in front of Drew's (wisely) retreating form. “I don't see how you have a problem that Dr. Crozier is a sufficiently enlightened man who isn't afraid to encourage a female friend to embrace her inherent matriarchal sexuality.”
“Key phrases is sexuality. That's the problem!” Tank raged.
“The true issue here is your excessive amount of testosterone and toxic masculinity,” Willow said, condensation dripping off every syllable. “I think if you started some meditation, a few hours crystal therapy, and got in touch with your true vegan feminine self, you’d be better off.”
Tank looked like he was about to burst a blood vessel. “Yeah, you are absolutely, totally batshit crazy.”
“We don’t really use the word ‘crazy’ anymore,” Willow said. “We prefer the term ‘alternate perception of reality.’ Don’t worry, Roan understands. He too is getting in touch with his vegan feminine side. Isn’t that right, Rainbow Cakes?”
It was obviously taking every bit of Tank’s self-control not to completely lose it on them. Behind him, Clarissa was acting with her eyes, encouraging Roan with a tilt of her head to let it continue.
Roan kept his face carefully blank, making sure his eyes did not betray this clearly staged event.
“You expect me to believe you gelded him and made Roan a vegan?” Tank demanded.
Willow clicked her tongue. “More outdated expectations. Roan's been a vegan since we started dating.”
Tank set his chin, having no difficulty remembering the March North Star Cafe brunch where Roan had definitely not been vegan. And supposedly dating Willow at the time. “I see. You know he’s not a real vegan, right?”
“Yes, he is. My special man-rainbow would never lie to me,” Willow projected confidence.
“Someone's a liar.” Tank stomped over to the fridge and flung it open, taking the calculated risk that Roan hadn't hidden all evidence. Sure enough, there was a clearly labeled half-eaten container of Kung Pau Chicken right in front of the notorious not-gluten-free vanilla cupcakes. “See?”
The container had not been there earlier and was likely another piece smuggled in during Drew's quiet 'help' with the party.
Willow’s hands went to her cheeks, and she did an excellent job of conveying shock. Clarissa, still out of Tank's line of sight, was practically gleeful. “Roan, tell me those aren’t yours! How could you eat flesh and then kiss me?”
Not to be outdone, Tank pulled the entire container of chicken out and grabbed a fork.
“Come to the dark side, man. No amount of pussy is worth that total batshit insanity. The dark side has cookies, Kung Pao chicken, and for your birthday I will get you a five-hundred-dollar bottle of scotch. I don’t care what it takes, I will—because that is what I do as your best friend. I won’t make you a chick like she is.”
“I am not making him a chick,” Willow said. “I’m enhancingh is appreciation of his unexplored feminine side—the yin to his yang. Don’t listen to his outdated closed-minded ideas.”
Tank waved a forkful of the chicken in front of Roan’s face and then took a bite himself. “Yes, listen to me. Chicken, veal, lamb, steak, beef. You can get some ass somewhere else. It isn’t this.”
Willow huffed. “Are you seriously considering eating flesh over me?”
Clarissa was nodding vigorously, signaling it was time for the finishing blow.
That was when he understood the goal of the entire farce. It wasn't enough to make Tank hate Willow. The girls were committed to a full public screaming breakup that reduced the chances Tank would ever bother them to zero.
They'd constructed a perfect tailored psychological attack strategy, needling Tank at every turn until he supplied the ammunition they needed.
“Well,” Roan hesitated for a few deliberate seconds, trusting the ladies had already had a prepared response.
“Oh my God!” Willow shrieked. “I can't believe you have to think about it!”
“You're putting me on the spot. Can't we have a talk in private?” Roan hoped this was in line with their plan.
“Absolutely not! That's it. We are through.” She dramatically slapped the fork out of Tank's hand and hoofed it to her coat. “I will not stand here and be insulted by unenlightened neanderthals like you and him. Come on Clarissa! We’re leaving.”
Pretending to be embarrassed, Clarissa shrugged and followed her roommate. “Thanks for coming! Drew, call me later.”
“He'll do no such thing if he knows what's good for him!” Tank yelled back.
Roan decided he should at least make an attempt to convince his non-girlfriend otherwise. “Willow Branch, can we talk about this? It was a one time moment of doubt. A slip up!”
“Liar. You've probably never stopped eating meat. Forget my name. Forget my number. Forget we dated. I hate you.” Willow declared, shoving Clarissa out the door, and exiting with a full dramatic door slam.
Thus ended Clarissa's twenty-seventh birthday party.