Chapter 35
Sadie
“Apackage just arrived,” says María from the front of the bookstore.
I look up. “Who from?”
“Not your dashing boyfriend.” She frowns at the label, bringing the parcel to me at the sales counter. “Some fancy lawyer in the city. It’s addressed to you.”
Fancy city lawyer? Lucan has to be responsible.
“Thank you, I’ll open it later.” I gesture at the stack of romance novels and price stickers in front of me. “I should get this done.”
My neck muscles are tight and my temples pulse. With exams about to start, I’ve been studying nonstop, supported by endless cookie-dough ice cream and coffee.
When I’m not studying, I’m thinking about Lucan.
He’s respected my request for space, which disappoints a highly ridiculous part of me. I just want to know he’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about him. Or even half as much.
The tracking app he installed on my phone is still there. I’m pretending not to know, because its presence makes me feel like we have a link to each other. I’m such a hypocrite for that.
But I also hope it’ll lessen his stress to know he can find me if there really is trouble.
María slumps on the counter, toying with her name tag. “Our last customer was half an hour ago. Open the package now. Come on, I’m bored.”
I chuckle. “Am I your source of entertainment?”
“Duh.” She tosses her mass of dark curls. “Your life has been my favorite reality show these past couple of months. The scary billionaire is still your boyfriend, right?”
“His name is Lucan.” My fingers worry at the edges of the thick cream envelope. “I think he’s still my boyfriend. I said I need time and space.”
I discussed what I found on his computer with María and my roommates, but no one can decide for me how I feel about Lucan. It has to be me.
The problem is, I can’t land on a conclusion I’m happy with.
He definitely did too much. He even seemed to know it, though he lacked remorse. If anything, he doubled down.
So the question becomes, can I accept who he is?
My heart says yes, but hearts are famously reckless with decision-making.
“What do you need time and space for?” asks María.
Stashing the envelope under the counter, I return to putting price stickers on novels. The repetitive rhythm of the task usually soothes me, but today it’s only making me restless.
“To think,” I say.
“The man flew you to Paris and found your long-lost ancestor. What’s to think about?” She lowers her voice. “You know what I think your issue is?”
“Oh boy. What?”
“You try to do everything yourself. Like, to a fault.”
My hand pauses. “Why do you say that?”
“Honey, I’ve worked with you every week for years.” Her brow arches. “You struggle to accept a scrap of help from anyone. Of course you feel overwhelmed when a man wants to give you everything.”
Gazing out the foggy gray windows, I nibble my lip. Is María right? Do I resist Lucan because I can’t accept help?
It does track. I enjoy doing things for other people, but asking the same of them feels wrong somehow, like I’m bothering them. With an absent father and sick mother, taking care of myself became the norm.
Lucan never seems bothered doing things for me though. The opposite. It pains him when I deny his assistance.
So am I in the wrong? Is he?
I speak my main objection aloud. “But he watches me on cameras and monitors my heart rate.”
María moves her head side to side. “Yeah, he might need to cool it on that front. But you’ve been attacked twice, Sadie. He’s worried you’ll die.”
While I was distracted by my thoughts, she had inched the package from under the counter to open it.
I sigh. “María!”
Her eyes scan the front page. “The lawyer says they need your signature.” She flips to a red sticky tab. “It’s the deed to Ink & Ivy Books.” She gives a low whistle. “Holy shit. Plus the building.”
“Yeah. Lucan bought it for me.”
She chokes out laughter. “I’m sorry, what?”
“It was last week, before I said I need space.” A dull pressure grows in my chest. “I can’t accept it after everything. I’ll write the lawyer back and say there’s been a change of plan.”
María heaves a dramatic sigh. “But this guy is perfect for you.”
“He stalked me!”
“He did research.”
“Whose side are you on anyway?” I ask.
She winks. “Yours, believe it or not.”
“Lucan and I are from different worlds.” A wave of exhaustion washes over me. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s best I stay in my own.”
After work in the evening, I attend a high-school friend’s gathering. The last time I saw many of these people was at our graduation or just briefly around town.
I figure it’ll be good for me to be in familiar territory again. All semester, I’ve felt like a fish out of water. By returning to my roots, maybe I’ll feel back at home.
On the way, I pick up a six-pack of hard apple cider. Briarvale is heavily decorated for upcoming Halloween, with skeletons guarding houses and grinning pumpkins in windows.
Sometime around high school, I lost my taste for Halloween, despite it being my favorite holiday as a child. Perhaps because my real life became too scary, with my mom’s diagnosis and Russell’s appearance.
I’ve missed the fun of Halloween though. This year, maybe I can enjoy it again, even if my heart is aching.
“Sadie!” cries Linh, who’s hosting the gathering.
Roughly a dozen people crowd around a bonfire in the backyard, the flames warding off the creeping chill.
“Hey, everyone,” I say, sliding my gaze politely over my ex, Chace.
“Hi, Sadie,” everyone choruses back.
“Little Miss Princess of Darkbloom,” adds somebody in a snarky tone on the other side of the fire. A few people titter.
The dull pressure in my chest worsens.
What’s it called when you feel like a fish out of water every place you go?
Do I belong anywhere in this world?
Grabbing a can of apple cider, I sit on a folding chair between Linh and an old classmate named Holly to catch up on everything I’ve missed.
“How’s your family?” I ask Linh.
“They’re great! I’m helping out with my dad’s business. His bookkeeping’s a mess and I don’t know what he ever did without me, to be honest. He’s a landscaper,” adds Linh, like I need a nudge to remember, which I’m taken aback to find I do.
“Trent and I are training for a marathon,” says Holly, sipping her drink. “It’s a total pain, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Or so they say.”
“Like living,” I say offhand, gazing into the fire.
My remark is out of step with the conversation, making the others pause. They exchange a glance before continuing without commenting on what I said.
A familiar hot rush of shame travels up my body and I fall quiet.
This used to happen all the time, I realize. Whether with classmates or relatives or my ex, I never quite felt in sync with the people around me.
Figuring something was just wrong with my personality, I came to accept it. I still had friends in high school and they were generally nice to me.
But with Lucan, I never felt the need to edit or second-guess myself. He brought something out in me. Whether dark or light, it was real. It was me.
Earlier, I wondered if I could accept him, but maybe I should ask myself whether I could accept life without him. Whether I could ever go a single day without missing him terribly.
Is it possible neither of us is wrong and we’re just learning about each other?
Maybe we’re even learning about ourselves. I know I am.
“Tell us all about Lucan Hale.” Holly grins. “We’ve seen pics of you with him online.”
My stomach tightens with the unwelcome turn in conversation. I sense other guests around the fire listening.
“What do you want to know?” I ask.
Linh wipes red wine from her bottom lip. “Does he hunt people on his private estate?”
“Yes,” I reply with a straight face. “A large taxidermied man is mounted in his foyer.”
Chace makes his way around the circle to us. “Have you met his father? Alexander Hale is a total asshole.”
I raise my brows. “Sounds like you’ve met him.”
“Don’t need to.” Chace swigs his beer. “He’s a rich pig.”
“He was very welcoming to me,” I say truthfully, which prompts more titters and whispers around the fire.
“How nice for you,” says Chace. “We should think ourselves lucky that you came to slum it with us tonight.”
“Sadie, what are you doing for Halloween?” asks Linh, who never liked Chace.
“Costume party with my dorm friends,” I say. “At a house in the mountains behind Darkbloom.”
“Your posh friends,” says Holly in a singsong voice.
“Hope no other rich kids get murdered,” says Chace, a gleam in his eyes. “Rumor is, your first day at college was rough. Tell us about it?”
An unpleasant sensation jolts my ribs.
I don’t want to discuss Parker’s death as entertainment. He deserves better and so does his family, despite what Chace may think.
Holly’s smile fades. “They haven’t caught the killer yet?”
“Nope,” I say, praying the topic changes.
“What a pity,” says Chace.
Once the fire becomes too hot and bright to bear, I wander around the yard, glad to be away from the appraising stares and whispers.
Wings rustle in the trees and dew dampens my sneakers. The sharp contrast between the fireside and the cold, inky darkness refreshes me.
Alone for a moment, I can process my troubling thoughts and feelings about tonight, because hanging out with old friends has been revealing in unexpected ways.
I assumed I would feel at home, but it’s clear that I’m an outsider here, and maybe always was. In high school, I was never able to be myself completely or relax around anyone. I got used to it, but that doesn’t mean it was a good way to live.
No wonder I was afraid of Lucan seeing me. Nobody ever had before, and he knew it too. He instinctively understood that I kept people at bay and he wanted to know why.
The realization that I don’t fit in here unsettles me though, because where does this leave me? I’m suspended between two worlds, and I belong to neither.