Chapter 43
Sadie
Isee him on the camera feed before he knocks.
Tall, intimidating, attractive.
The man who saved my life.
As I sit in my bedroom chewing my lip and staring at my phone screen, nerves come rushing in.
Lucan and I haven’t been properly alone together since I was in hospital. Even then, we didn’t talk much because I mostly slept.
Looking at him now, I realize he’s become so much more than just intimidating and attractive to me. I’ve experienced his diligence and tenderness as he watched over me in the hospital room. I’ve seen whole new sides of him.
The trouble is, I’m unsure where we stand.
Over the past two weeks, whenever I tried to talk about us, he brought up another topic instead.
Since Halloween, Lucan has continued protecting me, just in a different way than usual. He’s chased the press and nosy students away from me, and kept my sole interview at the Ember Falls police station brief and to the point.
We’ve hung out together at The Bindery for coffee, the library to study, and that’s it. No sleepovers or dates.
No kisses.
No sweet words or spicy ones.
Not a whisper of intimacy at all.
He’s been a perfect, respectful, hands-off gentleman with me, which concerns me the most. It’s so unlike him.
What if this conversation goes badly? What if he’s changed his mind about wanting to be with me?
Maybe he’s been waiting until I recovered from my injuries to let me down gently.
He knocks. On the video feed on my phone, he stares directly into the camera. Even through a lens, his intense gaze makes my stomach flutter.
Putting down the phone, I go to let him in.
Clara and Juliette have kindly made themselves scarce for my talk with Lucan.
Talk.
It sounds so stuffy and serious.
I don’t really want to talk with him. After everything I’ve been through—that we’ve been through—I want him to wrap his arms around me and promise never to let go.
“Hi,” I say when I open the door.
His guarded expression is unreadable, which makes my heart sink.
“Hello,” he says.
I step back. “Come in.”
Halfway to my bedroom, I change my mind and veer to the armchairs by the crackling fireplace instead.
Before he arrived, it seemed like a no-brainer that we would talk in my room. But now that he’s here, all icy eyes and black clothes and sharp lines, my bedroom feels too personal for the detached energy he’s bringing.
He settles into the armchair next to mine.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, the firelight accentuating his features.
His arm drapes over the chair. He flicks his eyes around the room before resting them on me, as if he’s checking for threats. He’s been doing that a lot lately.
Though he seems mostly composed, his right hand flexes compulsively every few seconds.
The dark circles under his eyes have existed since I awoke in hospital. I wonder if he’s slept properly since then.
“Better,” I say. “The bruises have faded.”
“Do you have any pain?” he asks.
I shake my head. “None.”
We stare into each other’s eyes, and I see a thousand thoughts passing through his. I wish he’d tell me any of them.
“Our people decoded Parker’s journal.” Lucan rubs his jaw. “This past summer, he got access to Hannah’s social media accounts and found messages from Worthington.”
“What did the messages say?” I ask.
“Not much. Worthington was careful. He mostly wrote about college stuff. But Parker had a hunch.” Lucan’s voice becomes heavy, like he’s wrestling with the weight of shame on top of guilt.
“Parker thought no one would believe him without evidence, because of his drinking. So he planned to record a confession with his phone during the Founder’s Run.
Worthington must’ve realized what he was doing though. ”
Remembering, I nod slowly. “Worthington didn’t say a word in the forest. The only voice I heard was Parker’s.”
“I feel like I failed. I didn’t save my cousins and I barely saved you.”
My voice softens. “You did save me though. You found me.”
“I followed the trail of feathers you left.”
“And you had the tracking app.”
He studies my face, like he’s trying to figure out if I’m angry about him using it. “Yeah. I kept it active, just in case.”
“I know.” Sheepish, I smile. “I would’ve told you to get rid of it if I really wanted it gone.”
“Okay. I’m glad then.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
Lucan looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Every part of me wants to be with every part of you, always. Isn’t that obvious?”
“Not in the past couple of weeks, no.”
“You went through something awful, Sadie. You needed time to recover and process Halloween. And the other stuff too. The stuff about us. That day at my place, when you saw the computer monitors—”
“Yeah, about that—”
“I know.” Lucan leans forward, his eyes raw and sincere. “It was fucked. I shouldn’t have lied to you about the necklace. I shouldn’t have hacked into your bank records. Or smuggled a camera into your room.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
“I’m so sorry. I hate that I broke your trust. I had no right.”
As I think about the situation, my shoulders unwind. “I can’t imagine how hard your cousins’ murders were on you, so close together. I probably would’ve gone overboard too.” I pause. “I’ve burned down a police station. I guess I can understand extreme measures.”
“But still, it was wrong.”
“Yes. And nuts.”
“And nuts,” he agrees.
“And I forgive you.”
It feels good to say that, and mean it. To walk toward closeness instead of running from it.
He shakes his head like he has a hundred regrets. “I’ll never hide things from you again, Sadie. Never. I was a fool. I lied because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you and then I lost you because I lied.”
The fire sparks, the warmth seeping into my skin.
I wriggle forward until our knees almost touch.
Lucan still possesses the ability to draw me to him like a magnet, more than ever.
“You didn’t,” I say.
“What?”
“Lose me.”
His face changes, as though a crushing weight has been lifted from his soul.
Though his eyes still look haunted, their complex blue depths contain hope now too.
“But you’re not, you know, scared of me?” he asks.
Considering my reply, I press my lips together.
When I was on the tower, moments from death, I would’ve given anything for the chance to speak honestly to Lucan about how I feel. Now I have the chance, so I’m determined to hold nothing back.
“I was scared, but not of you,” I say. “The truth is, I couldn’t comprehend a world where I received my heart’s deepest desire.
Having a connection so powerful, so good, so messed-up in exactly the right way for me.
That’s what scared me. The truth is, I like you.
Your confidence, your single-minded nature, your intensity, and the way you always do what you say you will.
I like how you are as a person. I’m not scared. I want you.”
“Thank god.” He exhales. “Because you are like an angel to me, with just the perfect depth of darkness. You are passionate, sweet, courageous, and brilliant. Being around you makes me want you more, and so does being apart from you. If you could ever feel a fraction for me of what I feel for you, I’ll die a happy man. ”
My knee nudges his leg.
Lucan’s jaw twitches and he flexes his fingers, like he’s dying to hold me but doesn’t dare yet.
I inch closer. “When I’m with you, I feel safe and alive and excited and awake and so myself. I—” My throat tightens. “I’m falling for you, Lucan. I think I have been for longer than I could admit to myself.”
Hot tears spring to my eyes and I don’t even know why.
Maybe because it feels good to express myself freely for once. My true self, in true words, without fear. That’s what Lucan Hale has done for me.
The tears spill, tracking down my cheeks and neck. Lucan crouches in front of me to cradle my face in his hands.
“You’re okay,” he says. “Everything’s okay.”
“I don’t want time,” I say, hiccuping. “I don’t want space. Not anymore.”
He moans my name, climbing into my armchair and pulling me onto his lap.
I bury my face in his neck, inhaling his intoxicating masculine scent between sobs. His arms close around me, while I let long-buried emotions pour out of me.
I cry for my mom and my absent dad and the damage Russell did, and for Hannah and Parker and Chuck. I cry for the version of me who always thought I’d have less, be less, expect less.
I cry because I have a future, and it’s anything I want it to be. I’m alive.
Lucan holds me tightly, running his fingertips over my back. I melt into him as though I’m home, because that’s exactly what he feels like now.
When my tears run dry and my hiccups subside, I look up at him, the back of my head resting on his shoulder.
He’s gazing at me like I’m the most valuable thing in the world instead of a blotchy, crying wreck.
“You’re always safe with me.” He caresses my chin. “I’ll murder as many men as it takes to keep it that way. I swear it.”
“Is that your version of romance?”
“Yes. Isn’t it yours?”
“Maybe it’s a little romantic.”
Lucan puts his hand in the center of my chest, like the feeling of my heartbeat is essential to him.
“I want you to get used to having everything you deserve,” he says. “And I dearly fucking want to be the one to give it to you. Every day for the rest of our lives.”
He peppers gentle kisses onto my forehead, temples, eyelids, cheeks, and nose.
“That okay with you?” he asks.
I smile faintly. “More than okay.”
“Good. Because I already told my family you’re spending Thanksgiving with us, and Christmas at Aspen too. This year and every year. My mom’s dying to meet you.”
My chest glows. “I’d like to meet her too.”
“We’ll have our own space, don’t worry. And speaking of privacy, I barred my father from entering my penthouse uninvited. He has to ring the bell and wait, like anyone else.”
“Wow, that’s progress.”
He squeezes me. “I have a girlfriend now. Times have changed.”
“They have.” I think back over the past months. “Everything has changed. I can hardly believe how much.”
“There’s something else I need to tell you, Sadie.”
“Yes?” I ask.
Lucan brushes his lips against mine. “I love you more than life.”