Chapter 4 Game Face
Game Face
The second I’m swinging open the front door to my house, a cold, wet nose presses into my palm. My dog Buster’s dark eyes peer up at me adoringly as he huffs a hello.
“Hey buddy,” I whisper, dropping to my knees. My arms twine around his enormous bulk as he gives me a lick.
I wrinkle my nose and keep my voice quiet as I speak. “You smell like bacon, you sneaky old mutt. Was Dad giving you treats? Doesn’t he know the vet told you that you need a special diet?”
Busters huffs again in that way of his that means yes. To both questions, of course.
The TV flickers, lighting up our small living room. Dad’s asleep in his recliner, as usual.
My gaze flickers around the room, landing on a white display cabinet filled with butterfly figurines made of crystal or porcelain or enamel.
My mother collected them, apparently. I’ve spent so many years turning each one over and over in my hand, wondering what made her choose this one or that. They’re delicate and beautiful. Each one is unique.
Once upon a time, she cared about pretty little things.
Once upon a time, she was part of this home.
Once upon a time, a time I wish I could remember, my mom held me and took care of me.
Maybe I’m kidding myself, but I like to think she loved me too.
Gently, I take the remote that’s still in Dad’s hands. Since it’s three o’clock in the morning, it’s only infomercials on at this point. I click it off. The room is bathed in darkness. Buster settles back into his favored dent on the couch with a sigh.
A snore issues from the recliner in front of the TV. Dad is sprawled out, sleeping peacefully as it gets for him these days. With every year his back hurts worse, and it’s more comfortable for him to sleep elevated.
I don’t like to think about my dad getting older and hurting more with every year that goes by. It makes me feel scared and helpless, like a little girl. He’s my only family.
What am I supposed to do without him?
Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I drape a blanket over him. My coworker Jenny crocheted the blanket herself, and it always makes me smile to see all the rainbows and flowers draped over my bearded, tattooed, scary-looking biker dad.
The stairs creak as I pad up them as quietly as I can and head to the bathroom to wash my face. With my makeup remover pad, I wipe off my red lipstick and mascara and stare at myself in the mirror. I look younger without makeup. More innocent.
But that’s why I like makeup. It’s my armor. My game face.
Nobody gets to know the real Maddie, not anymore. Nobody except Dad and my best friend Emily. We’ve known each other since we were little girls, and she’s basically my sister.
I miss her.
We used to hang out every weekend, but now she’s married and living her best life with her amazing husband in a town an hour away. She’s even going to college now. I’m so happy for her—nobody deserves it like she does—but I’m a lot lonelier than I imagined without her by my side all the time.
I know that’s life. People move away. Get married. Start new adventures. Have families of their own.
But I can’t help but wonder if that’ll ever happen for me.
I was born in Tower. I’ll probably never leave. There are no new adventures to be had anymore, only the old ones all over again. And I know all the people here already, and I’d sooner die a nun than marry any of the guys here.
There is a new guy in town, a voice inside me whispers.
But I ignore that voice.
And I get out my vibrator instead.
And if I happen to picture a certain set of blue-green eyes, and a strong, fit body, and perfect set of lips murmuring “Madison” while I do what I need to do…
Well, nobody has to know about what happens in the depths of my imagination.
It’s Valentine’s Day. Might as well end it with an orgasm.
Even if I’m wishing it’s a certain someone else giving me one.