30. Harmony #2
“Because I made that promise. And I never want to win a race, so I'll always be trying to keep that promise, and I’ll just keep going forever until I’m forced to retire.”
“You might be the only racer in the world that doesn’t want to win,” I say.
He shakes his head, his throat bobbing as he swallows.
“Because I saw the way Carl's pack and his family collapsed after he was gone. I can't do that to my mom or my brothers. Or to you.”
He edges even closer, his gaze filled with more meaning that either of us can say. But I can’t give him a real answer yet. I know want to explore our relationship, but I can’t promise him forever.
So, I try to change the direction of the conversation.
“But there’s nothing like it, is there?” I ask, thinking of how much I struggled when I first quit driving. It was like I'd lost a part of myself. The world didn't sit right the year after I quit. But acting helps numb that desire.
“Racing down that track with you reminded me how much I love to drive. I won’t come back, but it’s like it’s ingrained in my body. I want to keep flying along the track because there’s nothing faster or freer than the race.”
“But that’s what scares me, sweetheart. If I make one wrong move out there, it’ll all be over, and I might never get my life back.”
“Then just stop. Race another way, do something less dangerous. You know about Jacob’s crash, and how he got his limp?
It was the same thing—he went too fast, he lost control, and his legs were crushed.
And that was it.” My face falls as I remember seeing him in a hospital bed tied up to machines, scared every time he went to sleep because it could have been the last time I saw him smile.
“That was one of the reasons I quit. Because I saw his injuries, and I didn’t want to end up like that.”
Jaxx shudders as he lets go of my calf and leans into my hold again as he wraps his arms around me.
“The idea of you ending up like that freaks me out so much. I don’t think I could handle it if you ever got hurt.”
My face creases as all the feelings I had with Maddock back when we dated flare up again. It feels like the same kind of protectiveness that he had, where Maddock criticized everything I did, like he didn’t want me to race at all.
“Is that why you let Maddock pass?” I ask him. My fingers unconsciously twisted through his hair, stroking him softly over the ears and neck, holding him close and gently breathing with him. I can’t take away his pain, but I can hold him close enough that, hopefully, it will make it easier.
“No, that’s why I drive in front of Maddock. He likes to blame me for his losses, but I’m keeping him safe like that.”
I pause at his words, my brow furrowing in confusion. “Maddock’s been driving on these tracks since he was seventeen, Jaxx. Even without you, he's on the podium more often than not. It’s not your responsibility to keep him safe.”
He leans back to look at me, confusion splashed over his face.
“But he’s my teammate. We have to take care of each other.”
I shake my head. “No, it doesn’t work like that. If Maddock gets hurt, that’s on him. It’s got nothing to do with you unless you’re the one who crashes into him.”
I believe Maddock used to feel that way about me, even though he never said it out loud. He acted like if I crashed, then it was his fault. And if he corrected every little thing I did, then he wouldn't be to blame.
“Jaxx, you shouldn’t have to bear the weight of that just because Maddock can be an idiot. If he ends up getting hurt, yes, it could be devastating and change our lives forever, but, in the end, that’s not your responsibility. You need to look after yourself as well.”
He opens his mouth, but I don’t let him talk. I’m not finished yet.
“Why don’t you try trusting us more? You saw the way I drove the other day, you know that I can do it. If you support me rather than trying to protect me, don’t you think that will give me the confidence to drive better? I kind of like the idea of racing for you.”
I don’t want to tell him about everything I’ve been through with Maddock. That isn’t for him to know, but I don’t want to be with another person who tries to hold me back just because they have their own agenda. Even if that agenda is about keeping me safe.
“Yeah, you’re teaching me how to drive the car, but ultimately, I’m the one driving it. Like you said about the horses, I’m the one steering it, so why don’t you just teach me everything you know, and trust me to follow you?”
“Does that include off the track as well?” Jaxx asks, his flirty smirk returning.
He really is too handsome. There’s no way I can win against that smile.
“Why don’t we make another bet, since you’ve already used up your favor?” I say.
“It depends on what you’re offering. I don’t know if I want to take this kind of risk with another bet with you.” The purr quickly returns to his voice as his fingers trace the bumps of my spine through my dress.
“Even though you’ll definitely win?”
“Go on then, tell me your stakes,” he hums.
“Drive naturally in this next race, one hundred percent, full power, no holding back.”
“You mean for the Grand Prix?”
“Or the free practice or the qualifying. It's up to you, though not if it’s going to ruin your precious system with Maddock. Race how you want to race. Don't try to protect anyone else. Just get out on the track and drive for yourself. If you come in first, you get another favor. If you lose… Hm…Well.. Just don’t lose,” I laugh.
He pulls me in tight, and he’s definitely going to kiss me again.
“You promise I get another favor? I could use it for dastardly means.”
I giggle as I lean in close, meeting him halfway.
“I kind of hope you do.”