Chapter 3 #2
“It’s Nikki. Hi, I’m Nikki. Or Nik, or . . . whatever.” My sister smiled up at him in a sickly sweet way, keeping her arm looped around mine.
“Hi, Nikki,” he said, and turned to me. “I was actually hoping I’d run into you again, Nat.”
“You were?”
He nodded, and a few stray locks of hair flopped onto his forehead.
There was an almost intentional messiness to him, but instead of being off-putting, it added to his charm.
All I wanted to do was steady his hands and fix him up.
I could handle him better when he looked and acted more like other guys, instead of being so him.
“How tall are you?” Nikki blurted.
I inwardly groaned, but this was Nikki being her usual speak first–think second self, and I tried to let that thought outweigh the embarrassment. If she was feeling like her normal self, I’d take it, and if Brooklyn was at all deterred, he didn’t show it as he grinned again.
“Six five.”
“So tall.” Nikki sighed as she leaned into me.
“Yeah, tall enough to be the designated get-things-from-the-top-shelf person in my house.” He chuckled. “Anyway, before we were so rudely interrupted the other day, I’d wanted to ask you something.” He paused, rocking back and forth on the toes of his sneakers.
That sticky knot formed in my throat again, tangling up my words in it.
There were a lot of uncertainties in my life, but one thing I was certain of was that a distraction like dating wasn’t something I needed right now.
My focus needed to be with my sister, my career (or lack thereof), and finding a shred of normalcy in my life here.
“Sorry, I have to get Nikki back inside,” I blurted. “You know how strict they can be about unsupervised time.” He flinched so subtly that I almost had to second-guess that it had happened at all, and guilt gnawed at my stomach. “But I’ll see you around?”
And the effortless charm returned like it had never left. “You will.”
He turned and walked away, thankfully before he could see me blush more intensely than I ever had in my life.
“Oh my god.” Nikki groaned when he was out of earshot. She led me through the courtyard by my arm like a puppy that had escaped its crate. “You have some major explaining to do. Who was that guy, and why, for the love of Laguna Beach, did you reject him before he even had a chance to ask you out?”
“Stop.” I held my hand up to her. “This is exactly why I didn’t say anything to you. He’s just a boy.”
“Um, no.” Nikki stopped before the double glass doors leading back into her wing of the facility. “That wasn’t a boy, that was a man. How do you even know him?”
“You remember how last week I came in with coffee all over me, and I said I tripped?”
She nodded eagerly, even though I was sure she knew exactly where this story was going.
“Well, he knocked me over in the parking lot and the coffee spilled everywhere. That’s why I was covered in it. Then on Monday he actually waited outside in the parking lot for me and brought me coffee because he felt bad about knocking me over.”
Nikki was ready to explode with excitement. “Oh my god that’s so adorable. What else?”
I opened the door and gestured for Nikki to go inside before we were over our allotted walking/fresh air time. It wasn’t my place to tell Nikki that he was a patient to some degree here too.
“Nothing else.” I shrugged. “And now we’re here.”
“You’re no fun,” she grumbled.
We arrived back at Nikki’s room, and as I watched her settle back in to her temporary room, guilt rolled through me.
I didn’t want her to feel like any of that was her fault.
Maybe the other reason I didn’t want to date was because of how invested she would get, and that I didn’t want her to get disappointed if it didn’t work out. Everything really did come back to her.
May 21
Hey Dad,
I’ve been thinking about this a bit lately, but today made me realize I need to come out and say it.
I feel like a bad sister sometimes.
All I want is for her to get better. Really, I do, but I can’t help but feel resentful of her. It’s only sometimes, and I actually recognize it even less. Usually I don’t think twice about arranging my schedule around her, or keeping to myself because she needs my full attention.
It’s only a flash of irritation, and then it’s gone, and I hate this part of me.
Because right after the resentment comes the guilt, and it feels so much worse.
I think about how selfish it all sounds, and I can almost hear you saying I’m being too hard on myself.
Maybe I am. But I don’t have time to consider that part. At least not in those moments.
The truth is, I love her so much it physically hurts. That’s what makes the resentment feel so shameful. I know I’m doing exactly what I should be doing, and I’m glad I get to be there for her.
Maybe that’s how I justify rejecting people before they can disrupt that, even if part of me doesn’t want to.
Anyway, I just needed to tell someone. You’re the easiest person to tell, because you won’t judge me. Or maybe you would, but I’ll never know.
Love, Nat