Chapter 22
Twenty-two
“Hello? Earth to Nat! Are you even paying attention?”
Nikki’s voice pulled me from my daze. I shook my head and blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust to the bright fluorescent lighting of Reformation.
A sweet lavender and vanilla scent wafted through the air, and it was enough to put me to sleep.
I rubbed at my tired eyes, feeling my head sit heavy on my neck.
The image of Brooklyn’s plastic bag of little pills flashed in my mind every time I tried to close my eyes, and my stomach ached even at the thought of it.
It had had me tossing and turning for the past few days, my head swimming like a small boat lost at sea.
“Do you like this or not?” Nikki waved a mustard-yellow sundress embroidered with flowers in my face.
“Um.” I scrunched my nose up. “I think that would look better on you.”
Nikki frowned and tossed the dress back on a rack. “We’re supposed to be shopping for you, remember? You’re the one who needs more cute clothes.”
“I’m fine, I can borrow some of your very cute clothes,” I said as she shuffled through racks of more dresses, occasionally picking one up only to put it back.
“No, you need your own clothes, so you can look good for your boyfriend,” Nikki said with a nonchalant shrug. She pursed her lips and waited for my response. After a moment of my silence, she groaned and shoved my arm.
“Come on, you’ve barely told me anything about your date and stuff,” she prodded. “This is the first time I’ve seen you all weekend.”
I put on a thin smile, feeling the very act of trying to keep it together stretching me thin too. “We had a nice time this weekend. He took me for tacos one night, and we ate dinner at his house with his parents. That’s all.”
I felt words I couldn’t say well up in my throat, and they stung hard as they scratched against my insides.
I wanted to tell Nikki that he’d taken me to a secluded beach to watch the sunset, and that the way he held me set fire to my insides, and that he smiled at me with his gleaming white teeth like I was the only person in the room.
Like I was the only person who even mattered.
But something so literally small—six little blue pills no bigger than my pinkie nail—loomed figuratively large over my head, like dark clouds about to unleash a hurricane.
“Natalie Ray Owens, my goodness gracious,” Nikki called out in singsong, causing me to drop the dress I had picked off the rack. “What is your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” I said, hyperaware of how hard I had to try to keep my hands steady. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
I kept it all in, realized exposing the good also meant exposing the bad. It was better to pretend none of it had happened at all. For both of our sakes.
“Fine.” Nikki groaned. “I need you to focus. I refuse to leave this store with nothing.”
“So, then you get a dress,” I quipped. “And I’ll borrow it later.”
After a beat, we laughed at each other. I finally studied the dress I had pulled from the rack.
It was floor-length and a silky pale green, with a high neckline and splashes of white flowers that looked like they were painted in watercolors directly on the fabric.
It felt like almost nothing in my hands.
“Wow,” Nikki chirped. “You have to get that. You’d give Brooklyn a heart attack in that dress.”
I bit down on my lip hard. I felt dizzy and was just about ready to reveal everything to Nikki in the middle of our shopping trip when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
brOOKLYN KELLER (like the bridge): Nat please talk to me
brOOKLYN KELLER (like the bridge): I’m begging you
brOOKLYN KELLER (like the bridge): I’ll do anything
I scowled, quickly hit Delete, and shoved my phone back in my pocket.
Every few hours it had been another desperate plea from him, and despite the cracking I felt in my heart, I had ignored every single one of them.
The day after dinner at his house, he had called me ten times, but gave up and resorted to texting when I refused to answer.
I couldn’t figure out if I was sad, frustrated, angry, or some sickening combination of the three.
I rubbed at my eyes again to dissipate the stinging I felt from holding back tears.
“You should get that dress,” Nikki piped up. I looked down and realized I was still clutching the long dress tightly in my hands.
I ran my fingers over the silky fabric again. It felt new and exciting—things I was desperate to feel. “I think I will.”
>> <<
When we returned home Nikki retreated to her bedroom with several shopping bags in hand, claiming she was exhausted and needed a nap.
I sighed and felt a pang of remorse radiate through me.
It was easy to let Brooklyn’s turmoil and shortcomings overshadow everything else in my life, but that didn’t mean I could let my sister’s recovery take a back seat, no matter how well it appeared she was doing.
As I had recently learned, I am nowhere near as keyed in to the people in my life as I thought I was, and that stung.
I lay back on my bed and squeezed my eyes shut. An image of Brooklyn’s guilt-stricken face flashed in front of me, his cheeks blotchy and his eyes glassy, and my eyes shot back open. My phone buzzed against my stomach.
brOOKLYN KELLER (like the bridge): I’m outside. Please come talk to me. Just for five minutes
I clenched my jaw, hovering my thumb over the Delete button. Another text came through.
brOOKLYN KELLER (like the bridge): Please. I’ll stay here all day if I have to
I inhaled as much air as my lungs would allow before heaving myself out of bed and quietly making my way outside.
Even after everything, there was something in me that wanted to keep giving him chances.
I wanted to keep believing in something, even if it wasn’t necessarily him. Maybe just something tangible.
Brooklyn leaned against the door of his car with a bundle of flowers under his arm, larger and more impressive than the previous ones he had given me, and his tired eyes lit up as I approached him.
His hair was unkempt and it was obvious he hadn’t shaved in a few days.
I fought the urge to fling myself at him, to wrap my arms around his broad figure and nuzzle myself into his chest, feeling his warmth surge through me.
Instead I crossed my arms tightly over my torso and gave him a stony glare.
“You have five minutes,” I told him.
Brooklyn gave me a quick nod and handed me the bouquet of flowers. “They don’t suck as much as the last ones.”
I took the bundle gingerly in my hand and ran my fingers over the colorful array of roses. I looked up at him, and he gave me a weak smile, letting a small dimple pop up in the corner of his cheek. If he was trying to completely unravel me, it was working.
“Look, Natalie.” Brooklyn rubbed at his neck, and I cringed hearing him say my full name. I had gotten so used to hearing him say Nat that Natalie sounded foreign and far away, almost like it didn’t even belong to me.
“I cannot thank you enough for how supportive you’ve been these last few months.
You make me want to do the right thing. You’re good, way too good for me, and I know it.
But I am trying, and I don’t know what else I can do to get you to believe that.
” He paused and sucked in a shaky breath. “I need someone on my side.”
I clutched the stems of the flowers tightly in my hands until my knuckles turned white. “Brooklyn, I am on your side. But what am I supposed to think when I find bags of drugs in your room not even two weeks after you relapsed and promised me it wouldn’t happen again?”
“You’re supposed to trust that I kept my promise!” Brooklyn’s voice cracked. “Nat, I swear I have no idea where those pills came from. I didn’t even know that box was still under my bed. I’m trying to move on from all this, but I can’t do that if you’re going to assume I’m lying all the time.”
The backs of my eyes prickled with unshed tears. My chest burned, and I felt like someone was trying to rip me in half right down the middle; one half ruled by my heart and soul, and the other half ruled by logical judgment. My head spun. “Brooklyn, I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I don’t, either, and I’m sorry for even letting it get to this point.”
Brooklyn reached down and wiped away a tear that had fallen down my cheek with his thumb. “Please don’t cry. Not for me. Whatever I have to do to not ruin this, I’ll do it. You mean so much to me.”
I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat from holding back tears.
The honesty in his voice was jarring and raw, and the side of me ruled by my aching heart took over.
I nodded and gave in, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his cheek.
I felt his arms around me, protecting me from all the bad.
But I knew I could protect him too. At this point, I had to.
“Now what?” I asked as I pulled away and wiped my eyes with my hand.
“Now”—Brooklyn produced an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to me—“say you’ll be my date to this.”
“You’re not asking me to prom, are you?” I shot him a deadpan look.
“Open it,” he said with a slight chuckle.
Inside the envelope was a thick, glossy piece of paper, and in embossed script, it read kayleigh mae and jackson phillip invite you to celebrate their wedding saturday the eighth of august, two-thousand and twenty-four at six o’clock in the evening. the grand island estate, hilton head, sc.
“Who’s getting married?” I asked.
“Childhood friends,” Brooklyn replied. “Me, Alec, Stella, my parents, we’re all going. We’re renting a beach house for the weekend, and I got a plus-one.”
He took the envelope from me and flipped it over. In script it read mr. brooklyn keller & guest.
He pouted and clasped his hands in front of him. “Please.”
I smiled and shook my head. “I can’t say no to that face.”
Brooklyn returned my smile and kissed me on the cheek. “You’re amazing. I really don’t deserve you. I have to go home, but I’ll call you later, okay?”
I nodded and watched him get back into his car, smiling at me the entire time until he drove away down my street. I made my way back into the house and closed the door softly behind me, smiling as I looked down at the flowers again.
“What was that all about?”
I jumped out of my skin when I saw Nikki emerge from the living room. I clutched the flowers to my chest.
“Brooklyn asked me to go with him to their friend’s wedding,” I replied with a faint smile, suddenly aware of the sense of unease in the room. “Seems like it’ll be fun.”
“That’s a little dramatic for the occasion, isn’t it?” Nikki gestured to the flowers.
I couldn’t hide the redness in my cheeks, and looked down at my sandals.
“Nat, what did he do this time?”
I heaved out a groan. “Why do you assume that? That’s not fair.”
“Natalie.” The sternness in Nikki’s voice was jarring. “You’re the worst liar I know. What did he do? Is he doing drugs again?”
Hearing Nikki say it out loud felt like a stab in the chest. I shook my head at her again. “No. He’s fine.”
“You know this is exactly what addicts do, right? They beg and they apologize and they make promises they have no intention of keeping.”
“You don’t know him.”
“He has such a hold over you, Nat,” Nikki said sharply.
“You’re so blinded by your infatuation with him that you can’t even see what’s going on.
You barely make time to write anymore, you don’t hang out with me or Mom, you’re so wrapped up in him that if it doesn’t involve him, you don’t want a part of it.
So, what, are you going to forgive him every time he comes over here with flowers and a cute apology? ”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” The words stung as they left my throat. “You don’t know anything about him.”
“You obviously don’t either.” Nikki’s voice had dropped to a harsh whisper. “You think that the more you involve yourself with people, the more you can mitigate the damage they’ve done to themselves.”
“Who’s this really about?” I narrowed my eyes on her. “Him, or you?”
“Does it matter?” she snapped. As if there was kickback from her own words, she took a step backward up the stairs. “You’re not a solution. You’re a fucking bandage.”
“And you’re a shallow little girl who wants everyone around her to be as miserable as she is.”
I barely recognized my own voice, harsh and cold and completely detached from the rest of me. But this time, I did mean it, and she knew it too. With tears trickling down her face, she turned to head up the steps, but spun back around in a flurry to face me.
“You know what? Do what you want. But when whatever this is blows up in your face, I’m not helping you pick up the pieces.”
Nikki turned back around and stormed up the steps, then slammed her bedroom door. I looked back down at the flowers. One of them had already wilted and died.