7. Crash
CRASH
As soon as we pull up to the clubhouse, Cassidy is off the bike.
“Goodnight, Crash,” she says over her shoulder, walking away from me.
That’s all I get. Then the clubhouse door swings shut behind her.
I sit in the lot, wondering what the fuck just happened.
Two hours ago, that woman told me she’s always cared about me. She even used the word love. And now she will barely look at me, after what just happened? Maybe she’s embarrassed, or she regrets fucking me.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I go up to my room and lie on the bed with my boots on. The ceiling fan turns its slow circles.
Earlier this week, I was wracked with guilt for jerking off in the shower, imagining fucking her. Tonight I did the actual thing. And it didn’t feel like betrayal. It felt right.
So I think about the night again, hunting for what went wrong.
The ridge. Her telling me she picked California to get away from me. Me telling her about my mother—a story I have never told anyone, not even Saber. Her climbing onto the seat facing me. The kiss. The sex. All of it.
I even put my cut on her without thinking twice about it. She knows what that means, more so than most women do.
I can’t find it. Whatever I did to make her angry, I don’t know what it is.
Everything I told her on that ridge was true. Every word. The women who come through my bar see a patch and a grin and a good time. Sure, some of them want more, but I never let them believe I’ll make them my Old Lady.
Cassidy is the woman who sees more than the VP title, the money, and the allure of club life.
But it’s more than that, and I might as well admit it to myself.
She’s exactly who I want. Not close. Exact. Gorgeous at a level that I don’t deserve. Kind in the bones, not for show. Loyal. Smart. She’s got dreams and the spine to chase them. And she doesn’t need my life explained, or softened, or apologized for, because she was raised in it.
My brothers are my family. They’re hers, too.
I could go down the list of every woman I’ve ever known and not build half of her.
And she’s so close, behind a door she shut on me, and I don’t know what I did. But I know I’m not lying on this bed until morning, letting her shut me out.
I’m out the door and into the hallway before I have time to talk myself out of it.
Her knob turns. The door is unlocked.
I shove the door open. “You don’t lock your door? In a clubhouse full of—”
I stop.
She’s sitting on the edge of the bed in a T-shirt and shorts, and she’s crying. Her hands come up to her face, wiping the tears, like she can hide what’s happening.
“The only man in this club stupid enough to barge into the Prez’s sister’s room is you.” She’s up off the bed, arm out, pointing at the hallway. “Get out.”
I shut the door. From the inside.
“That’s the opposite of out.”
“You’re crying.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m aware.” She drags the heel of her hand across one cheek, chin up, daring me to mention it again. “What do you want, Crash?”
“What happened?” I stay by the door because if I reach for her, she’ll only push me away.
“I’m asking straight, no jokes. The ridge was the best night of my life, and I’m including the night I got patched.
Everything was good. Better than good. And now you’re obviously mad at me… and crying. So what happened?”
“Nothing happened.”
“Cassidy.”
“Nothing happened that you didn’t warn me about.” She wraps her arms around herself.
“Do you regret it?”
She takes her time with the answer. “Yes.”
I’ve been hit with fists, bottles, and I was even shot once. None of them compares.
“Why?”
“Because I told you, Crash.” Her eyes are wet and furious at the same time.
“Up on that ridge, I told you I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember.
You told me you don’t make promises to women.
You were honest. You’re always honest—it’s your whole trick.
Nobody gets to be mad at the man who warned them.
” She laughs, and it’s the saddest sound I’ve ever heard come out of her.
“I had sex with you. I’m a grown woman. That part’s on me. But then you said it.”
“Said what?” I’m so confused.
“Right now, I only want tonight.” She throws my words back at me.
“And I sat there on your bike with your cut on my shoulders, realizing what that meant. I got the exact speech you give all the women you fuck. I’m no different.
” Her chin trembles once, and she locks it down.
“Congratulations. You were honest with me, too. So I have no right to be upset.”
“Cassidy, those words… That is not what I meant.”
“It’s what you said.”
“I know what it sounded like.” I stop. “Cass. Look at me. You want to know what I meant?”
“I know what you meant.”
“You don’t. Please listen.”
That stops her.
“You asked about tomorrow. But tomorrow, I have to figure out how to tell Saber,” I say.
“Tomorrow I have to work out how I look my best friend in the eye. Tomorrow there’s club business, and a war that’s coming whether anybody says so or not.
Being with you comes with more complications than anything I have ever wanted.
I’ve spent thirty-one years only wanting things that come easy.
That’s the whole design of my life. Nothing I can’t walk away from.
” I cross the room now. “And up on that ridge, I had one perfect thing in my hands. One. And I didn’t want to spend a minute of that time problem-solving.
I wasn’t telling you tonight is all you get.
I was telling you tonight was too good to share with tomorrow. ”
She searches my face for the lie. She won’t find one.
“That’s not how it sounded,” she says, and there’s less hostility in it.
I sit down next to her on the bed. “Yeah. I’m getting that.”
She turns toward me, and I shift so I face her. Her hands come up and close in the front of my shirt, to push me off or hold me there, I don’t think she’s decided. “I need you to be honest. No flirting. No telling me what I want to hear. What do you want, Crash?”
“You.”
“Why?”
I lean in, so my mouth is only inches from hers.
“I’ve fucked the same woman more than once.
You know that. The whole county knows that.
But I never went back because I wanted her.
The offer was just there, so... why not?
You’re the first woman I’ve ever wanted.
Wanted the morning after. The small stuff.
The in-between. I want you at my bar every day fixing my books, so I’ve got an excuse to look at you for hours.
I want to keep making your ridiculous coffee.
I want you bossing me around.” My lips brush against hers, just briefly, and she doesn’t pull back.
“I haven’t worked out how I tell Saber. I might not survive working it out. He might kill me.”
Her laugh cracks through the tears, and it loosens a knot I’ve been carrying since she said goodnight in the parking lot.
“Until I figure out how to tell him, nobody can know. Not Shelby, not the girls. Gossip spreads fast here, which you’ve seen.” I take her jaw in my hand, thumb under her chin, and tip her face up. “But I want you to know, you’re mine.”
Her breathing goes uneven. “And you?”
“Yours.”
“No more sweetbutts? No more waitresses?”
“No more anybody. No more flirting, either.” She didn’t ask for that one. I give it to her, anyway. “That last part is going to take some work. I’m asking for forgiveness ahead of time if I fuck up.”
“You. Not flirting?” She sniffs, wipes her face on her own shoulder without letting go of my shirt. “The bar’s revenue is going to collapse. I’ll have to see it in the ledgers.”
“Put it under losses. Act of God.”
She pulls me down by the shirt, or I’m already moving.
The kiss is slow, and certain, and she tastes of salt, and I make myself a promise on the spot that I will never be the reason she cries again. She lies back on the bed, pulling me down by the shirt, and I go, because that’s exactly where I want to be.
My phone goes off in my pocket.
“Don’t,” she says against my mouth.
“Two seconds. I can’t ignore it. Saber is gone, and I’m in charge. It’s just a text.” I sit up and pull it out one-handed.
Duke: Tonight’s shipment never made the drop. Driver isn’t answering. Buyer is losing his mind. Your call, VP. What do we do?
I read it twice.
Fuck, this is not good.
Crimson Warriors have to be involved.
The guys from National left earlier this week.
That’s not bad luck. That’s a club that was waiting for the babysitters to leave.
“Crash?” Cassidy looks at my face, and whatever’s on it kills the softness in hers. She grew up in this life. It’s bad. “What happened?”
“Club business.” It comes out automatically. Women don’t get involved in this shit. She knows, but still, I feel the need to explain it to her. “The less you know, the safer you are. That’s the only reason I will ever say those two words to you. Okay?”
She nods, and she lets me go when I stand up.
“Lock the door behind me,” I tell her.
“Crash.” She stands, rushes over to me, and catches my hand at the door. Her thumb runs across my split knuckles, once. “Go be the VP. But be careful.”
I kiss her once. Fast and hard.
I go down the stairs with my phone in my fist and the taste of salt still on my tongue.
Saber is miles away. The Warriors picked tonight. The war is here.