Epilogue
Ashlyn
I was such a bitch. Seriously. I hated how jealous I was of my bestie and her relationship. Not because I wanted Josh for myself, but because I wanted what they had.
I wanted it badly enough that I was willing to do all the wrong things to get it. Getting together with a guy I knew was all wrong for me? Yep. Settling for whatever attention I could get? Yep. Fantasizing about my own faceless, nameless version of my bestie’s man?
Cringe, but yep, I’d done that, too.
I never thought I’d be thirty-eight and alone. Wishing I’d found my happily ever after with a guy who wanted me as much as I wanted him. Not only single but childless, too. But the day had come. I was thirty-eight with zero successful romantic relationships.
It was almost enough to send me back to bed with a carton of ice cream and a bottle of wine. I was that depressed.
But I wouldn’t let all the men who dismissed me win. It got harder every year, but I wasn’t giving up. Especially not when Reegan and Josh just found each other. There was still hope for me.
Even if it was fading.
The only thing harder than being single was being single and not twenty.
Things were no longer perky, or cute, or tight.
Not that I’d ever been any of those things, but it was easier to pretend when the boys were too inexperienced to care.
The closer I got to forty, the less inexperienced my dates were, and the less I could hide the way my body had changed.
I thought Rob didn’t care about those things, but that was because Rob didn’t care about a lot of things. Me, for one. I’d hung a lot of hopes on Rob. Hopes that I wouldn’t go into my golden years alone.
Hopes that were dumb because I never really loved him, even though I said I did. He was a box to check. Someone to make me feel less alone. Someone to list as an emergency contact.
Yeah, I had Reegan now, but Reegan was lost in her love bubble with Josh.
I was happy for them, honestly, but I wanted someone who looked at me the way Josh looked at Reegan.
She deserved it. I was jealous of them, but I was ecstatic for her.
She was my favorite person in the world, and I was thrilled she’d not only found someone who loved her for exactly who she was, but that he lived next door to me so I could see her all the time.
But I still wanted my own Josh. My own guy who would always be there and always want me.
“Are you up?” Reegan called softly from the front door.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, spinning on my stool to face her.
“Hey, you are up. I was going to surprise you.” Reegan stepped inside. She had a beautiful potted iris in her hands.
“Is that for me?” I breathed, my gaze locked on my favorite flower.
“It is. I thought they would be perfect in the window in your bedroom since you get a lot of afternoon sunlight there.” She brought the flower closer, revealing two irises in the pot.
“Two?”
“It is February, the second month. It only made sense to get two flowers.”
I chuckled, my fingers running over the soft petals of the rich purple irises. “They’re beautiful.”
“Good. I’m taking you to breakfast. Birthday breakfast. Go put these in your room and get dressed, old lady.”
“Just wait until you’re thirty-eight and see how old you think it is,” I growled back, accepting the bright yellow pot that matched the center of the flowers.
Reegan laughed. “I’m on your heels. But I’ve always felt like I was forty. I’m more ready for getting older than you are.”
“Are you going gray yet?”
A laugh popped out of her. “No, but neither are you.”
“Oh, but I am. I found two last night.”
“Two is nothing.”
“Says the woman with zero.”
“Why are you spiraling?” Reegan asked. She followed me to my room, her gaze searching my hair.
I set the happy, yellow pot of irises on the dresser near my window, knowing it would be plenty of light for the flowers, and pointed to the offending hairs right at my part. “Could they be more obvious?”
Reegan sighed like I was being ridiculous. “Dye your hair.”
“No, I…” The thought stopped me. I’d been wanting to change my look for a while.
Since Rob. Shake off the old me. The me who was so desperate to not be alone that I settled for a man I knew would never actually stick around.
One I didn’t really want to stick around, if I was being honest. But I wasn’t being that honest yet.
Somewhere along the way, I lost a piece of myself. A piece that allowed me to say fuck you to the things I didn’t like. That gave me the confidence to be single and not care what that said about me.
“I know that look,” Reegan said with a smirk. “What color?”
“Am I that transparent?”
She shook her head. “No, but I know you. You had a new color every other month in college. And a new guy. Usually the new color was because of the old guy, though. I thought you were over Rob.”
“I am. God, I so am. But I don’t love being alone. Or wanting to not be alone.”
“I’m right next door,” Reegan said, the guilt forcing its way into her tone.
“Don’t even think it,” I admonished her. She took months to finally move in with Josh for good because she was worried about me. Even for a while after she moved in with him, she spent the night in my guest room weekly. She did not need to feel guilty for living her life.
“I just wish…”
“Nope. We’re not going there. You are not setting me up with anyone. I don’t want pity dates.”
“Not pity dates. Real dates. With real men who know how amazing you are.”
I snorted. “If they really wanted to date me, they wouldn’t need you to set things up. I think I’ll be happier alone than with a guy who doesn’t have the courage to ask me out himself.”
Reegan twisted her lips. She knew I was right. She didn’t like it, but she knew it. “Maybe he thinks you won’t give him a chance.”
“And this is going to change my mind? No. Anyway, we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about me dyeing my hair.” Although the fact that she said he made me think there was one man in particular she was talking about.
Not that I was going to take the bait and ask who. That would defeat the whole purpose of the game we were playing. Reegan would try to convince me to let her set me up, and I would refuse. It was working.
As long as I didn’t think too hard about the fact that I was still single and miserable.
All I needed was the reminder that she used to think Kannon was interested in me. That was a hard no, and my bestie being love-blind to what was right in front of her. Kannon had zero interest in me. Less than zero.
“You’re going to do it? What color?” Reegan’s brown eyes were bright and happy.
“I mean, we do live in Amethyst Bay, and I do love my irises. It only makes sense that I go purple.”
“Well, of course.”
“And if I’m going to dye my hair, maybe I should get some new clothes, too. And a new cut.”
“Who said thirty-eight wasn’t fun?” Reegan teased me.
I pointed to my part. “The gray hairs that are about to be eliminated.”
Reegan laughed. “Get dressed, then we’ll go. Make you a whole new woman.”
“After coffee.” I led the way back to the kitchen and picked up my half-full mug.
Reegan went to the coffeemaker. “Of course. I had a cup with Josh this morning, but you know I drink more than one.”
“And how is the man who stole my best friend from me?” I asked with a smile.
Reegan flashed me a grin. “He’s good. And he didn’t steal me away.”
I laughed. “I know. I’m just jealous that you two are so damn happy.”
“You’ll find someone. If you’d just—”
“Nope, we’re not going there again. I’ll get over being single.
And I’ll figure out who I am at this point in my life.
It’s not like I’m the only single woman in Amethyst Bay.
Christy and I were talking about going out next weekend.
Sage asked if I wanted to go on a cruise with her this spring.
I’m not sitting around and waiting for life to happen to me. I’m going to enjoy it.”
Reegan sat next to me and flashed me an assessing look. “I’ve missed living close to you.”
“You’ve been here for eight months.”
“I mean before that. I spent a lot of years being unhappy. Or at least not happy. There were times I was happy with Landon and in MacKellar Cove, but it never felt like I was being me. I’ve been more myself in the last eight months with you and Josh than I have been since college.”
I threw my arm around her neck and pulled her head to mine. “I’m so happy you’re here.”
“I am, too. But I want to see you happy.”
I shrugged. “I am happy. I love this town, and I love my job. I have amazing friends, my bestie lives next door to me, and I have an amazing view.”
“But…”
I stifled the wave of emotion rolling through me. “I lost who I am. I need to get her back. Stop settling for men who are all wrong for me.”
Reegan stared at me for way too long. I didn’t like it. I resisted the urge to squirm. “Then let’s go find her. What do you want to start with today?”
“The hair. I need those grays gone.” I plucked at my old tee, one I was fairly sure was left behind by Rob. “Then I need new clothes. A whole new look for thirty-eight.”
Reegan grinned widely. “Sounds like a fun day. I’ll run home and get changed. Text me when you’re ready.” She drained her mug and set it in the dishwasher. She squeezed my shoulder on her way by and hurried out the door.
I waved, then went to my room. I stared at my closet, finding it harder than ever to pick something I felt good in. Something that felt like me.
I was ready to make some changes. To be a new me. A better me. A me who didn’t need a man to be happy.
Thank you for reading Crazy Love!