21. Chapter 21 #2
He waited, silent and present even when other tenants passed by on the way into the complex. It was his steadiness that convinced me to go on, to put words to the conflict that had been warring inside me since I’d gotten home last night. If I could trust anyone with this, it was him.
“But the thing is,” I continued, gulping back the sting in my throat, “looking back on my life knowing what I know now, I can see I’ve kind of always had it.
And if I’ve lived my whole life with it” —my voice dropped until it was little more than a whisper— “what if I don’t know who I am without it? ”
Max considered me for a moment, his warmth and familiar spicy scent grounding me in the present.
When he spoke, he matched my volume, the faintest hint of a smile on his lips.
“Well, I guess then you’ll get to rediscover yourself.
” He shifted in his seat to face me head-on, careful not to smoosh the cookies with his elbow.
“There’s a beauty in that, too. I should know. ”
I returned his smile, much wobblier and one well-spoken word away from bursting into tears. “What if nobody likes that Dekker? What if I don’t like her?”
“Impossible.” His eyes twinkled as they met mine. “You’re still you, even without having ADHD run your life. As far as I know, there isn’t a permanent cure, only treatment. It’ll always be a part of you. But it’s never all you are.”
Where did the distinction end? Was I creative without my buzzing thoughts constantly spitting out a billion different flavor combinations? Would I still be kind and compassionate without such a profound reaction to rejection?
“So you think I should try getting diagnosed?” I asked, searching his face.
“I think you should do whatever you feel is right. And if you choose not to and it’s making you suffer, I’ll help you in whatever way I can.”
Strangely enough, it was that selfless offer that made up my mind. The question I’d been weighing for hours now, answered with one sentence from Max.
I didn’t want him carrying me all the time, meeting me where I was because I’d knowingly let myself struggle when it could be lessened. Mostly because I knew he wouldn’t mind at all. He’d do it without complaint.
But I didn’t want that for him. For any of my friends, really.
Wading into the unknown turned my blood to ice, but if he could rediscover himself, so could I.
Sure, I’d keep weighing the pros and cons, maybe sleep on the decision before forcing myself to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist who had experience diagnosing ADHD in women.
That might change when I went through with it, but not whether I would.
I’d made up my mind about pursuing this now. All thanks to him.
“Thank you.” I smiled, warmth blooming in my chest with the rightness of this decision. “You know what? You are a decent listener, Maxwell.”
His nose wrinkled in the most adorable way. “I think I like Maximus better.”
“ Maximiliano is worlds better than both of them, but it never sounds right when I say it.”
A muscle in his jaw flexed as he swallowed, his eyes darting over my face. His voice dropped in volume and pitch, laced with the faintest huskiness. “It sounds right to me.”
The space between us charged with the pulse-racing weightiness that had stopped time itself when he’d touched my cheek earlier.
The car became too small, too intimate, too voltaic.
The scent of his tropical car freshener combined with the familiar spiciness that was so him , I could drink it forever.
We gravitated inward like the answer to each other’s siren call, spellbound and utterly powerless to stop it.
His dark eyes deepened in color, richer than the most decadent of chocolates and far more enticing. They found my lips, and there they stayed until his body pressed up against the console.
The sensation snapped the twine of fate strung between us until the recoiling ends could be seen miles away. He shot back like he’d been burned, his breathing accelerated and his lashes fluttering rapidly as he blinked away whatever hormone-induced fog had overtaken us.
I shot back in a similar manner, shocked at the visceral, almost feral urge to kiss him that had nearly consumed my last shreds of common sense.
How could I manage to mess up being friends with someone?
Had I no respect for his wishes and desires—ones I knew perfectly well prohibited any relationships with anyone, least of all his clingy neighbor?
He fumbled with the door handle until he spilled out of the car, quickly collecting himself way more gracefully than I would’ve, and flashed a quick smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “How about we walk and talk?”
Translation: how can I get away from her faster without being rude?
I nodded, eager to end the suffering as well.
I didn’t wait for him to open my door. Just snatched the cookies and bolted out of the metal can of hormones and temptation.
I stuffed the bag back in my purse and clutched the strap with both hands, determined to keep them to myself from here on out. No. Matter. What.
We made it into the building in tense silence, a good four feet between us the entire time.
When we reached his door, he hesitated. “I’m honored you confided in me, Dekker.”
I smiled, hoping my deer-in-the-headlights panic since the weird car-leaning incident wasn’t visible in my wild eyes. “Thank you for listening. And for the whole evening, Max. Really.” Then, to prove my resolve to behave from here on out, I added, “You’re a great friend.”
And friend he would stay, no matter what I wanted. I’d get over my silly crush eventually. If the alternative was losing him, I’d do just about anything.
His smile didn’t reach his eyes again. “You are, too.”
I waved awkwardly, which really seemed like the icing on the cake, given the events of the night. “Goodnight.”
He slid his key into the lock and sent me one last forced smile. “Goodnight, Chef.”