Grief
Morgan
Stephanie was nice, but my grief weighed me down. I couldn’t even argue with Creed earlier. I couldn’t force a smile, and I felt like my insides were all scrambled up. I tried my best to be appreciative for his help, but I just couldn’t shake the grief.
Stephanie ordered a pizza from the community center for lunch and a woman named Valerie Bolton brought it with her. I couldn’t eat and I wasn’t ready to talk about Callie. Instead, both women helped me with making arrangements for Callie. The funeral director said I was welcome to stop by the following day to make arrangements, and he would call me when he was given the go ahead to pick Callie up. I also spoke with Leslie and of course she was fine with me paying for the funeral, but she wanted included in the process of making arrangements. Of course, she never once asked about Addie. Then finally, my mom heard from Brett. He was available to meet with me in the morning, so Bolton called Creed, and he said Josh could take me out the following day to run errands. Unfortunately, Creed would not be available.
Bolton left, but Stephanie said her children would be going to the community center after school and she had time to help me organize my things. I wasn’t even in the mood to do that much. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for about a week.
“So, everyone has a job in the community?” I asked Stephanie.
“No, not everyone. A lot of wives have jobs outside the community and some like me stay home. The men and women who go on missions will sign up for one if they want, but most don’t. Some members really are retired from the military, and they don’t go on missions. They might work at the bike shop, do maintenance, take care of the lake or work security. Not everyone that works here lives here either. Like the gardener and his crew. They live off site, but they are veterans and only employed by Creed.”
“Like the cleaning lady? Tina was it?”
Stephanie rolled her eyes. “No, Tina isn’t a veteran, but she does live here.” She didn’t seemed thrilled about that question.
I sat on the bed and looked at her. “I heard there are women here to entertain the men. Is that true?”
She drew in a deep breath and let it out in a sigh as she put a pair of my jeans on a hanger. “Women like Tina do have jobs, but they aren’t here for the jobs really. They have to earn their keep, but let’s just say they’re more like groupies. They like to party and have sex, but Creed has made it clear, they will work if they want to stay. Most of them have colorful backgrounds and he wants them to learn some independence. How to earn and save money, pay bills, and not depend on a man. Maybe even learn a skill or two. He doesn’t care if they want to have fun in the process. It keeps his men somewhat happy and behind the gates and finding less trouble. By trouble, I mean blowing off steam in Clarity or Louisville after a mission.”
I stood and pulled a shirt from the box and grabbed a hanger. “Were any of them prostitutes before they came here?”
Stephanie nodded. “Yes. Prostitutes and strippers. Believe me, you don’t want to go to the X club after dark if you’re not in to that sort of thing.”
“The X club?” I hung the shirt up in the closet.
“Yeah, there’s a bar at the community center. It’s nice as long as you leave by eleven. It can get pretty crazy from what I hear.”
I hesitated to ask the next question, but curiosity won. “Does Creed participate?”
She paused as she was reaching into the box. “Umm…you’ll have to ask Creed about his personal life. What I can say is once a week, if there’s not a mission, a lot of us come here and hang out downstairs. Mostly the people he served with and me. I’m the only wife of who they call the Originals. I’m sure you’ll meet all of them. They consist of Creed, Drakos, Bolton, Axton, Irons, Baros, Magnus, and my husband, Ryan Granger. Creed served with my husband, and we’ve been here since the beginning. Ryan and I have been married since before he joined Delta Force. We were high school sweethearts.”
“Where are you from?” I pretended interest, although I felt like my soul was slowly dying. Callie was killed in front of me, and somehow I had to act like a normal functioning adult. It took all my strength not to fall to the floor and let my grief swallow me whole.
She smiled as she reached for another hanger. “A small town just outside Bangor.”
“So, nobody else but Magnus is from Indiana?” My curiosity was endless.
“I think Creed has family from somewhere around here, but I’ve never heard the details. He only really talks about his dad and grandfather. I think I once heard his mom left them when he was young, so he was raised by a single dad. When I met him, he was just like all the other guys. He lived in a small apartment with Axton and none of us knew he came from money. Believe me when I say it came as a shock.” She put another pair of jeans on a hanger, while I worked on blouses.
Did that mean he hid his wealth?
“Do people like Tina and Victor know what this place is really about?”
She tilted her head. “Didn’t Creed go over the biggest rule with you?”
“He just told me about the house rules and there weren’t many.” I answered.
“The biggest rule is not to ask questions and tell nobody what you know. Victor is not aware, and the same goes for just about everyone that works in the bike shop, excluding the veterans. I can say the girls like Tina do not know, but there is one woman named Felicity that is more than aware. She was the first woman Creed ever hired here, and she keeps an eye on the girls. If they start asking questions they are asked to leave.”
“What makes her so special?” I started to hang the jeans she put on hangers in the closet.
She shrugged. “She was someone that needed help and the guys helped her out. She was brought back here for protection and she never left. That was about four years ago, and it was the last time a woman was brought here for protection. I don’t actually know all the specifics.”
I could tell by the way she acted there was a lot more to the story and I wondered if it had to do with Creed. “Was Creed involved with her?”
She didn’t look up at me. “You’ll have to ask Creed about his personal life.”
I guessed that meant yes.
“Lets talk about this little girl. You’re hoping to get custody?” She changed the subject.
“Yes, she’s six but will soon be seven. She’s a bit of a tomboy, but has some interests in the girly stuff too. She has some struggles in school because of some speech issues, but she’s absolutely adorable. I don’t know if the foster parents or social workers told her about Callie or if she understood what happened last night. That’s what is so hard, she should be with people that love her and she’s familiar with, but her grandparents aren’t the best people. I presume from the things I’ve been told by others and by Callie, that there were only a few good people around her. I know her babysitter and she’s great and her teacher is as well, but I think that’s about it. Our contact was limited to a weekly FaceTime call, so she doesn’t even know me all that well.”
“Well, she would do great here. We have an online home schooling program if you’re interested. If not, we take turns and carpool to the schools in Clarity. For the parents that work, we have an after school program. It’s ran by those of us who are stay at home moms. It’s from three in the afternoon until six in the evening. We switch off, so I do Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the other moms cover the rest. We do homework and they get plenty of playtime. We also have mom night, which is where the men keep their kids so all of us moms can enjoy a night out or we might go to the bar at the community center. There’s also an activities committee, but we can get into all that later.”
I thought about Callie and how she could have been that kind of mom. The kind that was involved in the PTO and went on field trips. That’s how my mom was and when we were little Callie clung on to my mom and ran to her when she fell and got hurt. Callie had role models, so why did she take the road she took? I reached down into the box and pulled out my little black dress and just stared at it. I was going to need that dress soon and suddenly I hated it.
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. “This can all wait for tomorrow. Maybe you should get some rest.” Stephanie tried to comfort me.
I sighed then tried to give her at least a small smile. “I appreciate that, but my mom calls me OCD. I can’t relax until everything is clean and in its place. This will drive me insane until it’s done.”
She giggled. “You sound just like Creed. He’s also a neat freak, in fact, so is my husband.”
“They’re soldiers, it’s in their discipline.” It was my best guess.
She gave me a warm smile. “Probably so.” She moved an empty box to the side. Typically, I would have been pissed if anyone put my things in a cardboard box. I had luggage and garment bags, which meant I had a specific way to pack. But it was barely a thought at the moment. My mind was spinning with everything that happened and everything that might or might not happen in the future. I was traumatized, grieving, scared, and sick about Addie. Honestly, if it weren’t for Addie I would be buried deep into my grief. But every time I thought about her, I reminded myself that she needed me to be strong. I couldn’t just lay down and stop living. I had to push forward for Addie’s sake.
I hung the black dress up then pulled out my favorite burgundy cocktail dress. It wasn’t too formal but also not casual. I laid it on the bed then walked over to another box and pulled out my jewelry box. I searched for a few minutes then pulled out my white gold jewelry set and my yellow gold set. I walked over to the dress and laid both sets down. That was when I heard Stephanie gasp.
“Which would you choose? She had fair skin and blonde hair. I think the burgundy would look nice, but would you choose white or yellow gold?”
Stephanie put her hand over her heart. “You’re giving your best friend these diamonds?”
I nodded. “She wouldn’t let me give her much in life, so I guess I’d like to make sure she only has the best now.” Their value didn’t mean much to me. They were sent to me from a few studio heads when I wrapped up Death’s Door. I just wanted Callie to look nice.
“I’d say the yellow gold.” Stephanie pointed at the set.
“I agree.” I picked up the white gold set and turned for my jewelry box. That was when I saw it. My most valued piece of jewelry. My finger grazed over the silver plated locket before I picked it up and opened it to see a photo of us in our freshman year. I got us both one as a Christmas gift. I had no doubt she no longer had hers, but mine was priceless to me. I squeezed it and grasped the locket in my hand before pressing it to my heart. Flashbacks of memories hit me. The memories were as clear as day. I could see her smiling face when she told me about her first kiss. It was from Dalton Zins, he was her next door neighbor growing up and they kissed down by the creek when she was twelve. Then I remembered one specific sleepover when we were in the tenth grade. We soaked a tampon in red food coloring and left it inside Patrick’s naughty magazine. I knew he hid one under his bed because he never cleaned his room, and I took it upon myself to clean it a few times. He gagged so hard he threw up and we got it on camera. It was the first time we laughed so hard we both peed our pants. Patrick was in middle school at the time, but his horn dog ways were already establishing themselves. We loved pestering Patrick, and he learned very young that girls indeed farted. We would wait until he went to bed then run into his room and pin him under the covers to make him suffer through Dutch ovens. Callie was lactose intolerant so we would binge eat ice cream beforehand.
With a smile of fondness on my face, I reached up to wipe a tear away. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder just before Stephanie turned me toward her and wrapped me into a hug. I cried in the arms of a stranger and once the tears began flowing, they wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t even feel embarrassed because the grief hit me so hard I was just a ball of emotions. I kept hoping the phone would ring and tell me it was all just a nightmare and Callie was with Addie waiting for me at the hospital. But I knew that wouldn’t happen, yet my heart just wouldn’t stop begging for it.
I knew Callie loved me, but I also knew our relationship was strained at times. Maybe it was because I had never been in love, but I never understood why she stayed with Shane. I couldn’t understand why she fought so hard for him despite the fact that he was a terrible person. She was resentful every single time I begged her to break up with him in high school. Then it was even worse after they married. I thought for sure she would have gotten pregnant right away, but they didn’t, and I’d always say things about leaving him before she got pregnant. Each and every time I begged her to leave she became angry and annoyed with me. She was soon to forgive, but I knew she purposely stopped bringing him up in our conversations to avoid another argument. I had resentments as well, but most of all they were toward Shane. If it weren’t for him, Callie never would have lived that life. She would have went to college on the scholarships she earned, and she would have been a writer. I had no doubts, my best friend was talented, and she had a bright future until she got involved with him.
“I tried so hard to save her.” I sobbed.
“Love is blind, Morgan. We can’t control what others do, and unfortunately your friend was blind to his evil. It happens to so many women, and you can’t help them unless they want the help. You need to grieve, but at the same time you have a scared little girl that needs you.” Stephanie tried to comfort me. “The greatest thing you can do for Callie is make sure her daughter has a great life.”
“I don’t know where I’m supposed to pull this strength from, she was the first person I loved outside my family.” I continued to sob.
“You’ll find that strength in that little girl.” She ran her hand up and down my back as she hugged on to me. While I appreciated everything Creed was doing for me, I had no support system at Creed’s Lake. I was grieving and needed my family, but all I had were strangers. Stephanie was nice, but I didn’t know her and for the first time in many years, I needed my mom.
I pulled myself together and thanked Stephanie, but she had to leave to get her children. I finished with my things and went straight to my room. I didn’t shower or get ready for bed, I simply took one of the pain pills I got from the hospital and fell asleep.