27. Collins
Chapter 27
Collins
“ T hat fucking burns, asswipe.” Riley grits in a hushed tone before I hear a loud hiss, followed by a chuckle.
I hear him hiss again, followed by a loud smacking sound, another grunt and groan, then Creed is responding. “Then stop fucking moving, you pussy, and let me clean this shit properly and it won’t fucking burn.”
One last hiss before Riley bites out, “ Jesus. You fucking liar.”
I barely make out Creed’s low chuckle.
My shoulders shake in silent laughter as their banter makes me smile. The lightheartedness of their hushed conversations and teasing jabs at one another feeds that little ember of hope that I haven’t totally fucked up the family dynamic with the two men that have already rapidly taken up residence in my heart.
I pull the blankets up over my head like a damn child when I hear them exit the bathroom as Creed tells Riley to clean the cuts again in the morning. They’re both quiet after that but I can hear soft footsteps on the floor growing closer to the bed. One set continues around to the opposite side of the bed while the other stops right in front of where I’m hiding. The bed dips behind me and I feel an arm band around my waist, yanking me to the middle of the bed as it dips once more in front of me. I don’t dare say a word, as if my silence will fool them into thinking I’m not here.
I’ve always been quick to hide from conflict. It’s not in my nature to get in the middle of it or cause it.
At least not consciously.
Fingers curl around the top of the blanket and pull down slowly to reveal a sweet face full of freckles and deep brown eyes.
“Hi,” he whispers, a soft, playful smile on his face as he lays on his side, his head propped up on the palm of his hand.
“Hi,” I squeak back. It’s all I can force out before emotion squeezes my throat as I take in the butterfly bandaging on his cheek and under his eye. I don’t think the words come out when my eyes well with tears and I mouth the words, “ I’m sorry.”
“Hey, hey, hey.” Riley murmurs, scooting closer to run his fingers through my hair. “Please don’t cry.” He coos softly, his thumb swiping at a tear that leaks down the side of my face, catching it before it hits the pillow.
“Please don’t hate me,” the words are barely a croak as they pass my lips. I’ve never hated my voice more than I do right now because I can’t get the fucking words to an audible level with how bad I’m being choked with emotion.
Riley just shakes his head, the messy waves atop his head falling over his brow with the movement. “Whatever happened, I know you didn’t intend to hurt me. I promise I’m not mad at you, Snow .” A slow soft smile spreads over his face, his eyes never leaving mine. “I could never hate you. Please know that.”
I shake my head, but a second set of hands joins Riley’s in my hair and it gives me pause, my tense shoulders relaxing a fraction. “I’m. Not. Mad.” He says more slowly. “The only thing I am, is a little confused.”
I get it. I owe him and Creed an explanation. I hate talking about my life, my past, and my fucking issues that stemmed from the two, but I promised them honesty, so that’s what I’m going to give them. I push myself up to a sitting position, pulling the weighted blanket into my lap and letting the weight of it offer a little soothing support.
Creed and Riley follow suit and turn themselves so that they’re seated in front of me, facing me. I run my fingers poorly through my tangled hair before dropping them to my lap. Nervously plucking at a stray string on the blanket, I blow a breath out through puffed cheeks, and eye the men in front of me. Riley first, then Creed. “Where do I start?” I ask.
Creed contemplates for a moment before asking, “When did these… dissociative episodes start? I assume that’s what they are?”
I nod, swallowing. “I think that’s what they are, too. Luckily they didn’t start until after I left my last foster home. So, two years, maybe?” I shrug. Because of where I work, I don’t have health insurance and I could barely afford the tiny motel room where I was living, let alone pay out of pocket to see a doctor about my brain shutting down and either reliving some of my worst moments, or blanking out altogether. “I don’t know much about them except that they fucking suck when they happen.”
“Do you know what triggers an episode?” Creed asks, and I meet his eyes. His face is carefully blank, but I can hear the curiosity and concern.
I look down, plucking at the ends of my hair gathered in my fingertips, thinking about some of my past breakdowns and what happened prior. “A lot of the time it’s something little happening around me, or a familiar phrase or even smell that sets off the episode. At first, I just thought I was zoning out because I was awake, but it’s like my mind was sleeping. Awake, but unseeing and unhearing to my surroundings. Lately, they’re more like living dreams—or nightmares, is more like it. When my brain zones out, rather than having a blank moment, it’s like a memory happening all over again in real time.”
“And that’s what happened tonight.” It’s not a question, but I nod anyway.
“Was it something I said to you? Did I cause this?” Riley asks, and my head whips up to him, seeing his big brown eyes filled to the brim with worry.
“No,” I say quickly, without thought. “God, no, Riley. It wasn’t you.” I want to reach for him, to grab his hand or pat his knee or fucking something to reassure him, but seeing what I did to him earlier keeps my hands glued to my lap. “It was…”
When my words trail off, the silence that follows sounds louder than our conversation. Creed tenses and Riley shifts where he’s seated. I groan internally because I hate, absolutely fucking loathe dumping my problems onto other people. I don’t like causing others to worry about me. What I really want is a magic button that will make Creed and Riley forget that anything ever happened, that everything is fine, and to give them zero reasons to worry about me. Their happiness and peace of mind is more important than my problems.
“It was what?” The question comes out low and slow from Creed. His jaw ticks as he waits for me to finish my thought.
Shit. My ridiculous heart can’t handle the thought of Creed being upset with me. This shit’s unhealthy but I don’t see myself stopping the habit of wanting to please him anytime soon, so, c’est la vie.
As if he can read my thoughts, his face softens and he places his large, tattooed hand on my knee over the blanket and I can feel the heat of his palm even through all the fabric. I ignore the way the simple, platonic touch makes my core heat and my thighs clench.
“Collins, what happened, sweet girl? You promised us honesty. We can’t help you if you don’t open up to us.” He’s not berating me, but his tone leaves zero room for bullshit.
I roll my lips together, still not wanting to burden him with my bullshit , but a knowing smile tugs at his lips and he laughs quietly. Riley quirks a brow at him, so Creed turns to his best friend and says, “She thinks I don’t know her, but I do. Even after all these years.”
I open my mouth to tell him to eat shit because he has no idea who I’ve become but he plows on, ignoring the hole I’m currently glaring into the side of his skull. “From the moment she was born, she had one goal; to ensure that every single person around her was happy. To make sure there was no upset to the lives of those she loved.” His eyes find mine and the ice blue seems to glow impossibly brighter as he speaks. “You were the peacemaker. The natural little caretaker. Always putting others first, with little to no concern for yourself. As long as others were happy, you were happy. You’d been like that for as long as I can remember.” His hand finds mine and he sweeps his thumb over my knuckles, the rough calluses send goosebumps up my arm. He drops his head for only a moment and sighs before lifting his head again. “God, Collins, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through for the last decade, but despite all the ways you’ve had to adapt, I can see that special part of you still exists within you.
“I can see it by the way you’re trying to protect me and Riley by keeping your troubles to yourself. Your selflessness is one of the things I love about you,” My heart gallops and my brain stutters its thoughts over the fact that he just said he loves something about me. Probably completely innocent and platonic, but still. I know it’s only been a few days since our rather shocking reunion, and beyond that, the boundaries he’s set in place. I know Creed isn’t in love with me. But to hear that he loves something about me sets my soul alight. It’s been over ten years since I’ve heard someone say that they loved me. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear those words spoken. To me. Until now.
Creed’s hand leaves mine as he straightens once again pulling me from my thoughts when the cool air of his bedroom settles over my skin, leaving a chill where his warmth enveloped me just a second before. I fight the urge to slump my shoulders at the loss of contact. He continues, “but I don’t think anyone ever told you that you’re allowed to be selfish, Stardust . That you’re allowed to let go and lay your burdens down, to let someone else help you carry them.” He runs a hand through his already wild black tresses and gives me a pleading look, Riley’s own expression nearly matching, though he says nothing, letting Creed say what they’re both thinking. “Be fucking selfish. Tell us what’s going on.”
I notice that not once did either of them ask me what exactly I saw when I fell into that last dissociative episode. They didn’t pry. Their only focus—after patching Riley up—was to simply help me, not force me to relive that moment, again.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I take a deep breath. Be fucking selfish. Creed's voice bounces around in my mind.
Be selfish.
Lay your burdens down.
Let us help.
It’s so simple. At least, it should be. But a lifetime of being a people pleaser is a habit that’s really fucking hard to break.
Be fucking selfish.
Lay your burdens down.
Let. Us. Help.
“I—” I rasp, trying and failing to clear my throat. “I got more texts. Earlier.” Both men in front of me bristle at that.
“Are they from?—”
“I think so.” I answer quickly when Riley tries to ask. “But now the numbers are just blocked, coming through my phone as ‘unknown’.” I sigh, the sound rough and exasperated. “Which means I can’t even block him now.”
“What did the texts say?”
“They were…crude. Always some vulgar text with underlying threats. But this time…he—he sent pictures.”
“Pictures?” Riley parrots. I nod.
Creed goes positively rigid, his jaw ticking from side to side. “Pictures of what.”
“They were pictures of…me.” I swing my eyes to the left, meeting Riley’s dark gaze. “And you. Us. Today at the mall.” Riley’s eyes widen and his lips part in shock. He looks like he wants to say something but he doesn’t. I close my eyes slowly and feel a stray tear I didn’t even realize had built up fall down my cheek. I don’t bother wiping it as I whisper. “I think he found me, Creed. And I’m scared”
Before another tear can fall, Riley and Creed move at the same time and wrap me up tight in a hug, their arms cocooning me and soothing my already frayed nerves.
“Hey, everything is going to be alright, Snow.” Riley says, his voice soothing, and I absorb the way his words vibrate against my skin, causing me to relax a little more.
“Just rest now, Stardust . You’re safe here. I swear it.” He says, his voice, too, rumbling through his chest melts away a little more of my anxiety. He kisses the top of my head before saying, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to take a look at your phone, is it password protected?”
I nod against his chest and rattle off my passcode.
He disappears for a few minutes but the warmth of Riley’s arms hugging around me has my head now drooping against his bicep and drifting off to sleep before Creed can return.
It’s so early that it’s still dark as I sit in the passenger seat of Creed’s Range Rover, Riley in the middle section, sitting behind Creed because he said he wanted to sit where he could see his new best friend . I couldn’t help but smile at his sweetness, even though I’d been dragged out the door at three in the morning.
Earlier, after retrieving my phone, I’d shown Creed and Riley exactly what Guy had sent. Riley told me that Creed had silently fumed for several minutes before he stormed out of the room while I napped against Riley’s arm. I say ‘napped’ because I was only out for a moment before the crackling static of Creed’s electric guitar sounded from the studio down the hall, waking me. I sat up to see that Riley just looked stunned at what he’d read. And sad. And mad. But he wasn’t mad at me. I felt guilty as shit for involving them in my problems, but I knew I’d done nothing wrong. No, he was fucking pissed because my privacy had been violated, as if his celebrity status and his own privacy meant nothing. I know because he’d told me repeatedly before leaving to go find Creed.
Apparently that’s Creed’s coping mechanism still. He plays the guitar and loses himself in a song to help release some of the rage that builds up under his skin.
Before he left the room, he told me to pack my suitcase because we had a short trip to take and by the time we get back, it’ll be time to load up on the tour buses. I stuffed all I owned into a borrowed suitcase that I found in the bottom of Creed’s massive closet, and an hour later we were on the road.
Creed had hugged me and told me he would help me figure out what to do next. He still had some tension lining his features, but he offered me a smile so fucking sexy it had my thighs clenching, despite being dead tired and mentally and physically drained from the day’s events.
He may have friend zoned me, but that doesn’t stop me from still wanting him or being insanely turned on by a mere smile gracing his sinful lips.
We’re currently headed north, and Creed said I can choose wherever I want to eat for breakfast. I’m not familiar with northern California, so I just tell him that anywhere that sells hashbrowns and pancakes.
“We’re almost there, Stardust .” Creed says quietly, checking his phone at a red light before setting it back in the cubby of the center console.
“Unless you’re talking about food, I don’t know where here is, Creed.” I sass back because yeah, I’m tired and cranky and a little hungry.
“Obviously I’m talking about food,” he scoffs, turning left when the light turns green. I narrow my eyes at him because I know he’s planned something else, I just don’t know what.
“So tell me, why did we drive three hours to get breakfast at a…” I lean forward as he pulls into a parking lot and I read the sign on the vintage building in front of me. “ Brunchy Barb’s?”
“I read online that they’ve got the best all-you-can-eat pancakes in Northern California.” Riley chimes in from the back seat. I turn to look at him as the engine cuts out and he just shrugs and smiles that damned panty-melting fae prince smile. “You wanted pancakes, Snow. So I found the best…and cheapest.”
My heart skips because he knows how much I hate them spending money on me already, so he took the time to find a place that wasn’t expensive but had good food. Nobody ever did things like this for me after Creed and Asher left for greater things and I’m hit square in the chest with an unfamiliar squeezing sensation that’s not one of pain and longing, but a fullness I haven’t felt in a decade.
“Why do you call me that?” I ask as we get out of the car, wanting to switch gears before I become an emotional mess.
“Why not?” he says, a goofy grin gracing his face. “He calls you Stardust .” He gestures to Creed, who’s pulling off his plaid flannel button down and tying it around his waist. I get distracted momentarily as I watch the way his muscles pull and flex over the motion of manipulating the fabric. The way his tattoos move and dance across his skin with every ripple of movement.
“I call her Stardust because she’s irrevocably obsessed with David Bowie. Listened to him nonstop when she was a kid.” His eyes turn to me and drop down my body for a second before meeting my eyes again, only now they’re filled with something that looks an awful lot like lust. “Apparently still is.” He smirks, rubbing his thumb across his bottom lip.
Ah, he’s remembering that Bowie inspired costume I wore.
Before I have a chance to fantasize about biting on that lip myself, he turns and starts making his way to the diner entrance, pulling his phone from his pocket and fiddles with it for a second before putting it away again. Riley and I follow him inside as he glances around like he’s looking for something or someone.
My brow furrows as I try to follow his line of sight but Riley distracts me by leaning down, his lips close to my ear as he says, “I call you Snow because I’ve never seen hair so naturally white. I also call you snow because it’s something we rarely ever see here in Cali, but when it does come, it’s pure, delicate, and graceful—it’s breathtakingly beautiful, and meant to be cherished for the time that it is here.”
I whip my head to him, my mouth forming an O . I look up to see that he’s blushing just as hard as I am. My heart is thudding hard in my chest because oh my god. It’s one of the most incredible things that anyone has ever said to me. I thought he’d called me Snow because of something cheesy like reminding him of that cartoon princess, but no. He just fucking blew me away with his words.
I’m at a loss for my own words, completely flustered that this sweet and goofy, but insanely attractive man just gave me one of the most romantic reasons for such a simple nickname. I manage to smile at him and stutter out a lame, “Thank you.”
I don’t get a chance to say more because Creed grabs me by my wrist and starts pulling me through the diner, weaving around the tables and booths faster than my legs can follow. I stumble and he mutters a half-assed apology over his shoulder.
“Creed,” I call to his back but he keeps pulling me along. How fucking deep is this damn diner? “ Creed! Slow down, Jesus, what the fu—” he stops suddenly and whips around before he grips my shoulders, a really weird look on his face that has me wary and raising a brow at his odd behavior.
“Look, I thought this was a good idea to surprise you at first, but now I’m thinking I should’ve asked you before…”
I shake my head, confused. “What are you talking about? What surprise?”
He opens his mouth to answer, but his eyes go wide with unease and a bit of what looks like regret when a deep voice behind him cuts him off. “Collins?”
I freeze.
The voice sounds familiar. So fucking familiar. A voice I haven’t heard in ten years.
I peek around Creed and meet the eyes of a tall, muscular man dressed in an expensive-looking all-black three-piece suit, and a fancy haircut with his dark blonde hair pushed back away from his face. A face that’s clean shaven with a strong, sharp jaw. Familiar green eyes lock onto mine and I release a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Eyes that soften before welling with tears. Eyes that remind me of home.
“Asher?” I rasp, taking one tentative step around Creed towards the man who looks suspiciously like my brother. My brother, who was always a little rugged, rough around the edges at times, but this guy is some clean-cut, fancy-ass version of him.
Why is he wearing a three piece suit at six in the morning?
That doesn’t matter, Collins.
What matters is that it’s him.
My big brother.
I don’t hesitate to run into his arms the moment he opens them with hope and love and pain shining in his eyes. All thoughts and feelings of the only family I had left abandoning me are pushed aside for a moment when I wrap my arms around Asher’s middle and squeeze. I breathe him in and somehow, all these years later, he still smells the same, too.
“God, Collins,” He breathes into the top of my head. Taking a shuddering breath, he lays his cheek against my hair and sobs once. “ Fuck, I can’t—My baby sister…” he trails off.
I couldn’t give two shades of shit that we’re in the middle of this diner with people looking at us like we’ve all grown two heads. Fuck them. I haven’t been reunited with my fucking family for a decade. Get over yourself and eat your pancakes, Glenda.
He just holds me tight and I squeeze him back. Creed, Riley, and everyone else fade into the background.
The moment we break apart, reality washes over me and the past comes back to remind me that I’m pretty goddamned pissed at him for the way he ghosted me for this apparent lavish life he’s been living without me. I had no idea what had happened to him after he quit his short MLB career, but apparently he’s done pretty fucking well for himself. I’m ready to scream at him and curse him to hell and back but I remember the chance I gave Creed to explain himself, so hold myself back. Barely.
As much as I want to hug my brother again and sink into the familiarity of his hold, I cross my arms over my chest and I’m vaguely aware of Creed’s presence approaching behind me. I barely catch the back of Riley’s head from the corner of my eye as he finds an empty booth several feet away and suddenly becomes very interested in the menu.
There are so many things I want to say to him. So many questions I have to know the answer to. Why did he leave me alone? Did he not want me in his life anymore? Was I that big of a burden to him? Was I always just an obstacle in his way? I need answers, but all I can think to say, in a voice much smaller than I’d intended, is, “You left me.”
The words are choked and a rogue tear escapes, but I don’t bother to wipe it away. I feel the soft, barely-there brush of Creed’s fingertips at my lower back. The touch grounding and calming. I watch Asher’s face morph into an expression of pain and regret personified. He swallows and looks down at his shoes, then out the window, before meeting my stare as he says, “I know. I owe you so many answers.”
“You do.”
“Can we…?” He trails off as he gestures to another open booth on the other side of the seating area, far enough from where Riley’s sitting that I doubt they’ll be able to hear a word of our much needed conversation. I nod and turn to Creed before following my brother.
“Are you coming, too?”
He just shakes his head and reaches out, squeezing my bicep once. “I think this is a conversation that needs to be between you and your brother.”
I open my mouth to ask him to just come with me, but I know I can’t use him as a crutch to have what I’m sure is going to be a painful conversation with my older brother. As if he senses my hesitation, he pulls me in for a brief hug and I’m immediately engulfed by his intoxicating scent. I hug him back and inhale, breathing him in before letting go. It’s only been days since that kiss on his couch, but with the line he’s drawn in the sand between friendship and something more, I take any affection I can get from him.
I pull away and take a step back, still watching Creed. His icy gaze crinkles in the corners of his eyes when he gives me a huge grin. “Go. I’ll be sitting with Riley. Order yourself the biggest fucking breakfast you can devour, it’s on Asher.” He winks.
“I’m not sure I can stomach food with all that needs to be said.” I say, trying to reciprocate the smile. Pretty sure it falls flat, but Creed just keeps smiling, his eyes dipping momentarily to my lips when I bite the corner of my bottom lip. A nervous habit of mine.
“Do it anyway,” he says, stepping back in the direction of where Riley’s seated. “Call it retribution.”
I shake my head as he turns to sit and I face where my brother is now leaning over and saying something to a man who is quite possibly the most terrifying person I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s dressed like Ash, and he’s also got a handsome profile, but he’s a massive, hulking man covered in tattoos from his neck to his fingertips, some ink even peeking under the short cropped hair on the sides of his head. His face is littered with scars and looks like he could kill a person with one of his severe expressions.
The terrifying man nods once in confirmation at whatever my brother said to him, and as Asher straightens and turns to me, I see a small, delicate hand land on Scary Man’s forearm. A head full of long, pink curly hair pops out from the inner corner of the booth and a stunning girl plants a kiss on his cheek. His expression instantly softens and morphs into something like awe.
I don’t linger on that situation as my mind drifts back to my brother and the ten years worth of questions and explanations owed to one another.
Before he sits, he unbuttons his jacket and I catch a glimpse of a shoulder harness with a handgun tucked under his arm. It’s the same kind I’ve seen Jett wear. I blanch at the sight of it .
What the fuck is he into now?
As we both sit, he sees where my eyes are stuck and glances down, as if he can see his pistol through the thick material of his suit coat. “I’ll explain everything.” He says softly as he hands me a menu.
I’m not hungry. I want answers. Because I feel like I’m spiraling, I start focusing on things that aren’t even fucking important. Like the fact that my brother is wearing a suit. My frantic mind snags on the ridiculous thought that it’s summer, and he’s wearing a fucking coat and long sleeve button up. Must be some career to have to wear such a blistering outfit.
I need to get a grip.
After the waitress comes by to take our orders, he looks at me and studies me for a moment. He shakes his head, not in disapproval at me, but at himself, if the expression on his face is anything to go by. “Where do I even begin, Collins?”
I look at him right back, trying to keep my face devoid of emotion and probably failing miserably as I tell him exactly what I’m thinking.
“From the beginning. Ten years ago.”