40. Riley
Chapter 40
Riley
AM I FUCKING DREAMING RIGHT NOW?
T here is absolutely no way that Collins just admitted that she wants us both. And judging from the look in her eyes, the way they softened as they met mine, her honesty overpowered her lust as she told me she wanted me, too. Collins isn’t after some fling or a one-time threesome between us either.
I didn’t think this would happen for me. That anyone would want me. Not just anyone, but Collins Adaire Weston . After being told my entire life by my own mother that I was unlovable, that people would get sick of me and leave, I began to believe her. She verbally beat it into my skull that I was ugly from the inside, out. So naturally, I detached myself from the world. If I didn’t connect with people, they couldn’t leave.
Then Creed came along and found me playing drums in the parking lot of a Home Depot store and refused to leave me alone. He pressed and pushed and poked and prodded for me to join his band. Eventually he wore me down to join, but he didn’t stop there. He moved me into his home with him when I had nowhere else to go and over the last few years, he showed me what it was like to have a friend, a family. I found that in Creed, Bear, and Ayla. They showed up for me when I needed them, and they stayed.
It felt like a fever dream to have loving people in my life, so I didn’t want to push my luck by trying romantic relationships. That was a whole other level of intimacy and affection that I wasn’t comfortable with.
So here I am, a twenty-three year old virgin.
Up until tonight when Creed cornered me outside of the tour bus, it was no time at all before I was confessing that I’m so far gone for the snow-white blonde, but how I’d also felt that I was in deep shit with myself because I would never betray Creed by telling either of them how I really feel about her. My need to keep the secret had backfired spectacularly because I’d ended up telling him everything anyway and he clung onto every. Damn. Word.
The psychopath had the audacity to smile at my heart attack-inducing confession. He fucking smiled. Apparently he’d had a plan in place for several days now on approaching me and bringing me into what he keeps calling a throuple . I’d felt like I’d stepped into an alternate universe because there was no way in hell that he was willing to share his girl, of whom he’s been extremely protective and possessive of his entire life.
My mind spirals back to the conversation we had a few hours ago;
Creed grabs my arm and hauls me outside as Collins finishes gathering whatever she needs for tonight.
I’m hesitant to meet Creed’s eyes, but when I do, the hairs on the back of my neck stand as he stares at me, his face a completely unreadable mask. His bright eyes search mine like he’s looking for something. I swallow nervously as he takes a step forward, his body crowding mine. I have no idea what the fuck he’s searching for, but apparently he finds it because a wicked grin plasters across his face.
I furrow my brow at him, extremely confused because even though I’ve been living with Creed for years, I can’t always tell what’s going on in his head. He could be socially normal one minute, and completely unhinged the next.
“You good?” I ask, fully concerned when his shoulders start to shake as a laugh builds within his chest.
I’m not entirely prepared for the words that escape his mouth when he abruptly cuts off his own bout of laughter. “You have feelings for Collins.”
It’s not a question. He knows.
I squeeze my eyes shut, like it’ll help my situation. I can’t deny it but I won’t admit it either. He already knows but confirming it or saying it out loud could very easily cause me to lose the only family I have.
“Ri,” he whispers, the gentleness in his tone catches me off guard and I hesitate for a moment. His hand shifts from my arm to my neck as he cups the side of it, the touch entirely too tender for how he should be feeling right now. I expected him to yell, scream, and possibly kick my ass for daring to even look at Collins the way I’ve tried—and failed—to not do.
What I didn’t expect was the soft pleading in his voice.
I finally open my eyes when his grip on the side of my neck tightens ever so slightly. His eyes give nothing away as he stands in front of me, waiting for an answer to a question he didn’t even ask.
He knows the answer, he just wants me to confirm it.
So I look at him and speak the truth, hoping it doesn’t shatter the family that we’ve created in one another. But I’d rather be honest than a liar. My voice shakes as I answer, “Yes.”
Creed nods, thinking for a moment. “What kind of feelings, Ri?”
“What do you mean, ‘what kind’?”
“Do you just want to fuck her?”
“I—what?” Yes, but that’s not all. “N-no.” What was that about not being a liar, Riley?
I feel my face and chest heat at the thought of doing just that, though. My heartrate kicks up and I can hear my pulse whooshing in my ears. Have I imagined what it would be like to kiss Collins? To be the one who makes her moan? To learn what she does and doesn’t like when it comes to her pleasure? Abso-fucking-lutely. But is that the right thing to confess right now? Definitely not .
I can tell he doesn’t believe me, but he says nothing. He just stands there, analyzing me. “Is it more?” He asks so softly I almost don’t hear him. I study his face, but I don’t see the anger and resentment that I expected. He looks pensive, sure, but relaxed.
Is it more? There’s no hesitation in my answer this time. “Yes.”
I want to belong to Collins so badly that I can scarcely breathe when I’m around her, but I was prepared to swallow those feelings knowing that she’d never be mine.
A heavy breath loosens from Creed’s chest and shocks the shit out of me when he smiles and says, “Okay.”
I blink at him once. Twice.
“O-okay?”
He ignores my mocked question and says, “You know, she hasn’t said anything to me—yet—but I’m nothing if not observant, Riley Benjamin.” He releases me and backs up a step, running a tattooed hand through his hair, “I see the way she looks at you, Ri. I see it and I recognize the longing in her eyes every time you enter the room.”
I open my mouth to protest, because if he’s going to turn this into one of those fucking overdramatic soap opera moments where he says he’ll step away from her for her own happiness, he’s fucking wrong. She’s in love with Creed. I can see it. No idea if that’s something she’s told him, but I know it’s true.
Creed just smiles wider, his grin flat out cocky. “I see it because it’s the same way she looks at me.”
I sit there dumbstruck because, what do I say? I stare at Creed, eyes wide and my mouth gaping like a damn fish out of water. I’m stunned because he’s acting shockingly cavalier about this massive revelation, and the fact that he’s telling me that Collins looks at me longingly. Like she wants me. Apparently the same way she wants Creed. And he’s okay with it?
“Listen, Riley,” he starts, “This is the twenty-first century. Sure, monogamy still exists for many, but I think the heart is capable of loving more than one person. Not just in a familial way, but romantically as well. Collins is my person. And I’m hers. I’ve always cared about her; she’s always been family. But lately she’s become so much more. All I ever wanted is for her to live her life the way she sees fit. Full of love and happiness. And I think—” he pauses, running his thumb back and forth across his lower lip before a softer smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “I think…you may be her person, too.”
All of the air whooshes from my lungs. My chest squeezes with an overwhelming feeling that I can’t name. There’s a huge lump forming in my throat but I swallow past it and manage to rasp out, the word broken, “Really?”
“Yeah, really.” He breathes. “I know I make Collins happy, and I’m not giving her up for a goddamned thing. But I also know that you make her happy, too. I know how close you two have become in just the last week but what better guy for her to fall for alongside me, than my best friend?”
Creed becomes a blur as my eyes well with tears. This is not how I expected this conversation to go. “Y-you really think Collins has feelings…for me?” I whisper into the space between us, my heart pounding out of my chest. Creed bites his lip, trying to hide another smile as he nods. “Me?” The question is nearly a plea because this all feels so unreal. “Creed,”
I don’t even know what to say. I have no idea what happens next but knowing that someone out there feels for me the way he’s describing has me on the verge of a breakdown. As if sensing my inner turmoil, Creed grabs me by the back of my neck and pulls me into a tight hug and I release the first sob. It’s brief, but my best friend just holds me while I break down. A minute later when I’ve calmed down, he pats my back and gives my neck a squeeze before he releases me.
“Like I said, polyamory is a very real thing. I think Collins is one of those capable of falling for more than one soul. You’re my best friend. You’re my family. Why would I ever deny her that right to happiness? Especially when I know that her feelings for me could never waver, either.” He glances at the windows when her silhouette passes by, her voice carrying through the walls of the bus as she sings one of our most popular songs as loud as she possibly can .
When he’s sure that we’re in the clear, he continues “I’ve never been in a relationship like this. Never even contemplated the idea of sharing a woman. I mean, fuck, I’ve never been in a real relationship period. But the three of us? I can’t explain it but it just makes sense to me, Ri. I’ve got a plan, and I need to know if you’re in it with me.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Nope” He responds quickly, popping the ‘p’ before sighing. “Of course you have a choice. You choose Collins. Choose us. ”
Well shit. I’m running out of time to answer, knowing Collins will join us out here any minute, but it’s been a no brainer from the moment I met her. Creed may act on a whim sometimes, but it’s not without thought and observation. Everything about this is a gamble but I trust Creed with my life and I know he would never drag me into something as big and as monumental as this if he wasn’t sure of the outcome.
I take a deep breath and get it all out before the subject of this crazy-ass conversation walks out that door. “Collins is…fucking special. She’s so goddamned talented, she’s funny, and so fucking smart. It wasn’t just her beauty that drew me to her. It was her fire, all that fucking sass in one tiny body, the way she could handle any argument with men three times her size and somehow still looked down her nose at them. I love her toughness, but I also love her vulnerability. It makes me want to protect her. From like, everything and everyone. I’ve never felt that with another person, but she brought that out in me.
“But you have to know, Creed, that I would’ve never acted upon my feelings, nor would I ever, had this conversation gone the opposite direction. If you told me to fuck off and leave her alone, I would respect that. I would never put her in a difficult situation that made her uncomfortable or made her feel like she had to choose. Never.”
“I know, Ri.” Is all he says, but it speaks volumes.
I look up to where the light at the back of the bus turns out, “So, how do we approach Collins with this? She’s been much better lately, but I know she gets anxiety and her dissociative disorder can’t always be helped, we need to do this carefully. I don’t want her to feel cornered and trigger either of those for her either. ”
Creed claps his hands together before rubbing his palms back and forth as a mischievous grin takes over his entire face. “Leave that to me. Just be ready and meet us at the hotel at midnight”
I glance at my phone, noting that it’s 9:30 at night.
Two and a half hours later my uber arrives after sending very panicked texts to Creed and I make my way to the hotel.