Chapter 4 #4
“I got it,” Mickey said, shooting a look at Monty and Heath before going after Alexander.
Heath reached up and took Monty’s hand before extending her other to me. “Why don’t we go upstairs and get you into something comfy, yeah? Just us girls?”
It took time before I was back in the apartment, but slowly the panic was traded for shame.
I hated that I’d broken like that. I needed Alexander to want to work with me, to see me as the strong asset he needed.
Otherwise, Creed could be put in serious danger, and it’d be my fault.
Fear gnawed to life inside my gut, eating away at me.
Monty and Heath showed me to my room, leaving some of Monty’s pajamas on the bed for me.
They left after I went silent, unable to really answer them.
I just wanted to be alone or with Creed, and since I couldn’t have the latter, I chose to wall myself off instead.
I didn’t bother changing clothes, curling up on the bed and holding myself to sleep.
Sometime in the night, someone came in and covered me up, but sleeping on my good ear, I didn’t notice until the morning.
Even then, the sunlight peering in between heavy curtains, I couldn’t get myself to move.
Mickey brought me more broth, which I was grateful for, but I didn’t know how I was supposed to face any of them after what happened.
By that afternoon, the bedroom door creaked open, and I knew by the hesitation in the gesture that it was Alexander.
He might’ve been talking. I think I heard his voice slightly muffled through the pillow.
Closing my eyes, knowing I had nothing else to lose, I rolled over to face him in the doorway.
“I can’t hear you if I’m on my right ear,” I explained.
“I’m deaf in my left, and while we’re at it, I’m also partially blind in my left eye.
” I took a breath, looking down to avoid his relentless stare.
“I’m not the perfect soldier. I never was.
The most I know is how to light someone on fire and how to get fucked over.
I’m sorry Halden has your sister. I truly am.
I know what it is to be in that place, but because of that—despite how much I want to destroy Halden and Viktor—I don’t know how to go back without panicking.
I’ve been trying to build the bomb, trying to get over it, but I think knowing I have to face him again is what’s doing this to me. ”
Alexander stepped into the room, softly letting the door click shut behind him. He slowly made his way to the bed before it dipped in front of me. I still couldn’t meet his eyes, so I stared down at the rumpled sheets.
“Honestly,” I said hoarsely, remembering the words Kane once spoke to me and how they’d glued to my soul, “I’m nothing but a well-used whore, Alexander.
I’m useless to you. Halden and Viktor know better than to ever be seduced by me, meaning I’d never get close enough to set them on fire.
I know you said explosives, but I don’t know the first thing about wiring a bomb or—”
“Arden, just stop for a second,” he said quietly. “I didn’t come in here to talk about any of that. I came in here to make sure you’re okay.”
Slowly, I lifted my eyes, following his body up to his face.
He was settled on the bed next to me, his arms folded and his face pensive.
His hair was slightly damp, curling at the ends like he’d just taken a shower.
He was in black sweats and a navy shirt.
I hadn’t seen him without sleeves, so it was the first time I noticed all his ink.
He had so many tattoos, some that looked eerily similar to Rafe’s, as if they’d had some of the same Buyers.
My chest hollowed with the realization. “I keep forgetting you were one of Viktor’s,” I said softly.
Alexander dipped his chin but didn’t say anything else. He wasn’t looking at me, just out across the room, his gaze hardened.
“You kept me alive,” I said honestly.
He looked down at that, his brows drawing together.
“I got your room,” I told him, my voice soft in the dark of the bedroom. “‘To the great escape’ was carved into the bed, and I traced over it every single day.”
His throat worked, his crossed arms loosening a bit.
“For a really long time, that was all I had—the hope that some kid had been in that room before me and had gotten out,” I explained.
I scooted up in bed, my shoulder brushing his.
He tensed, shifting away slightly, and I did the same.
“Alexander,” I said, shaking my head. “You did it. You got out. I get going to rescue Florence, but why would you ever go back to Viktor’s when you’ve finally left that life behind?
I know why I need to. I don’t really have much to lose, but you…
you have the Ravens, an entire fucking legacy. ”
He lifted a hand to his mouth, dragging it down to his neck and kneading along the muscles there.
He exhaled and dragged his gaze to meet mine.
“Because, Arden,” he said, the exhaustion on his face a twisted, agonizing kindred spirit, “no one ever really leaves that house. It needs to burn, and Viktor needs to burn with it.”
“Why?” I pushed him. “All your wealth—it must’ve taken years. Why go after Viktor now?”
He ran his hands over his thighs, his shoulders hunching as he closed his eyes a moment.
Then he looked at me and smiled weakly. It was the most honest I’d seen him in all my time at the townhouse.
“Six months. It’s all I’ve got left. Cancer, the fucker,” he said bitterly and gestured to the room.
“Aren’t you glad I didn’t make you sign a prenup?
All of this will soon be yours, Mrs. Creed. ”
My chin trembled, my fingers shaking. “You’re dying?” I whispered.
Alexander shrugged a shoulder and let go of a heavy, sad laugh. He met my eyes again, the relief on his face crushing any of the hope I’d still carried thanks to him. “To the great escape,” he muttered. “May all the devils on earth burn.”
A deep sadness settled in. Of course he was dying. That was any Creed’s luck it seemed. “Do the others know?”
“No,” he said softly.
I swallowed. “Only six months? Can’t you do chemo or something—”
“Stage four, Arden,” he cut me off, folding his fingers together and leaning back against the headboard.
“The only thing left is a miracle, and I think we both know miracles don’t exist unless we make them happen ourselves.
Considering I’m not a god, no matter how much I might try to be for the Ravens, it’s simply not in the cards for me. ”
I did know that, and I agreed with him. Honestly, if I’d been handed that diagnosis, I think a huge part of me would’ve felt relief too. A death date. Finally. I imagined there was some freedom in that. “I’m sorry,” I said.
Alexander glanced over at me. “Apologizing? We’ve come a long way since tying you to that chair.”
I snorted and we fell quiet for a moment.
“It seemed like at dinner that you were finally going to explain the marriage, and what you expect from me beyond taking out Viktor and Halden.” I noted him in my bed, and my stomach dipped.
“Is it…sex? Did you buy me because you’re dying and you wanted the full experience of marriage? ”
Alexander looked scolded. “Hell no.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “We came from the same childhood, so I get it, okay? But that kind of shit gets to me. How would you feel if someone kept insinuating that you were Viktor?”
I’d hate it. “Sorry. This is just new. Buyers aren’t saviors. Ever.”
“I know,” he said, his throat working. “I know.” I watched his profile as he rubbed his arm, his expression dark.
He was desperate as he brought his gaze back to mine.
“Arden, when the time comes, this operation will be yours. I need you to understand me, to want this. You’re the only one who could take this over, lead it in the way it needs to be led. ”
“What?” I said, my hands shaking. “What are you talking about?”
“That day Viktor had Buyers come and watch Creed run through the mock village and take out the captured—I was there. I watched you talk Thorne and Kane into performing their worst to save Rafe. Halden was fucking pissed. So were most of the Buyers. But me? I saw in you empathy and resourcefulness. You let yourself suffer to save the rest, when I’m not sure they would’ve done the same for you. ”
“They would have,” I disagreed.
“In theory, maybe,” he said, wetting his lips and steamrolling forward, “but realistically the only one of you that held all the cards was you. You control Creed. They listen to you.”
“They respect me. There’s a difference,” I said. “Thorne, Kane, and Rafe can make their own decisions.”
“Sure,” Alexander said, the word sharp, “but tell me that decision wouldn’t be to save you.
You are their heart and their glue, Arden.
If it weren’t for you, do you really think those men would’ve gone out of their way to protect one another?
Hell no. They did so to prolong your life, your light, and in doing so, it prolonged theirs too.
It’s an endless cycle that feeds into itself, and people like Halden know that. He used you to get them in line.”
He was right. I knew that. I’d thought it myself a million times. I can’t count on both hands how many times I thought about killing myself just to free the rest of Creed.