Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Maddox (Shade)
Cassie's practically radiating happiness in the middle of my club.
She hasn't so much as glanced at me since I walked in.
I know she clocked my entrance because she stiffened.
Instead of sneaking a small peek, she turned so her back was completely to me.
Her laughter and smiles with everyone tonight have only served to remind me how much I don't deserve to have them aimed at me.
She's lucky I haven't spanked her ass for walking herself here without any of us. I don't care that it was light outside. She didn't tell us she was leaving early for game night to hang out with Jake.
She did the same thing earlier this week when she left her first night at the clubhouse alone. Thank fuck Parker noticed and went after her.
"Fucking Jake," I growl, white-knuckling the neck of my beer.
I ignore Koa's quiet snort and continue glaring at Jake over my woman's shoulder.
They've been chatting animatedly for over an hour now while everyone else participates in family game night.
Well, mostly everyone. I can't enjoy myself when my woman is over there smiling with a club brother who isn't one of my partners.
I've done a good job of holding myself back from being the possessive asshole we all know I am.
She doesn't want that right now. I'm probably the last person she wants hanging around her.
Well, me and Parker. I don't know what crawled up that fucker’s ass in the past few days since he followed her home, but damn is he awful to be around.
Honestly, I'm still fucking reeling from everything that's come to a head.
I can't believe all these damn years I pushed her away have been flushed down the damn drain.
She's been here for almost a week. The more I see her fitting in and enjoying her time in the club, the worse I fucking feel about everything I've done. What if I had let her in years ago?
I'll never say it out loud, but the guys were right. I should have told her the truth a long ass time ago. The coward's way out was too easy. Break things off with the girl and shove my feelings for her down as far as I could.
It was so simple. Keep her safe by not being with her.
I figured breaking her heart would hurt less than the possibility of her being tortured by my enemies. I'd rather she be sad than dead. And it worked for a very long time.
But did it?
Maybe if I had just stayed away the whole time while I cleaned up shop.
But it's taken so much longer than I thought it would to cut ties with my cousin.
It seems like a logical thing, right? The way I missed her in the months between falling into bed together for a few hours...
I've never yearned for something or someone so much.
Keeping her safe was the only reason I left her. I was selfish and took what scraps I could. I'm not a good man. There was no way I could have just gone on with my life like part of my soul wasn't fucking missing.
So no. I'm not a knight in shining armor who makes the hard choices and gives up the girl. There was never any giving her up because I had a plan. She would have been mine again no matter how long it took to make my life safer for her. I just can't believe how hard it's been to break free.
Now it's all fucked. I don't know how to be what she needs at this point.
She has surprised me every day since she's been here, making me question all the choices I've ever fucking made.
I never thought she'd enjoy hanging out here.
Also, her interest in learning about the bikes has given me pause.
Not to mention her ability to sneak out without us knowing right away...
I have more grey hairs than I did seven days ago.
The threat is even bigger now that she's here, and I should focus on that. The fact that Victor has been silent is a big red fucking flag.
As much as I need to keep my attention on the war that's brewing, I'm anxious to repair the damage I've done to my relationship with Cassie.
She's already thriving here, and damn it, I want to be a part of it even if it baffles me.
But how? How do I get her to let me in like she's already done with Koa and Ripley?
They're so good with her from the bits I've seen.
Shit, I really need to start spending more time with her so I can maybe figure out what she wants.
Do I know her well enough to get her to fall in love with me again?
Clearly not if I had no clue she truly had been interested in the Shadows.
Plus she scowls at me every chance she gets.
"Are you going to tell her?"
Glancing at Koa for half a second, I see he's also staring at Cassie. My attention snaps right back to her, and I swear I have her scent committed to memory. Strawberries and vanilla...
Swallowing, I adjust my hard-on. "Tell her what?"
"That you love her," Koa says so matter-of-factly that I flinch. I don't flinch. Ever.
I've lied and said many times that Cassie's nothing to me, yet I can't get the words out of my mouth to deny Koa's statement. I love her with all of my being just like I do them.
Koa tries a different angle to get me to talk. "Do you plan on bridging the gap between the two of you?"
Parker snorts and kicks his feet up onto the coffee table. "How the hell would he do that? He's been using her as a—"
"I swear to fucking hell, if you call her a cum bank, I'll kick you out of the fucking house for a goddamn month, you motherfucker," I spit, already feeling an angry sweat break out on the back of my neck. He's on my last fucking nerve.
The sweetest scent cools my boiling rage, only for envy to replace my feelings as Cassie plops her sexy ass down on Koa's lap, much to his surprise and delight. Lucky bastard wraps his arms around her and kisses the side of her neck.
This is what I lack. The ability to just cuddle and be peaceful. I don't think I have a peaceful bone in my body, and that seems to be what she gravitates toward these days. Her connection to Ripley is a conundrum that I'll need to study some more.
"Is swearing multiple times in a sentence a requirement to be part of your club?" she asks, voice a little twinkly instead of tight like it usually is.
A quick check over where she was sitting with Jake tells me she had two beers and Jake left. Is she ready for bed?
If Ripley weren't in the dungeon taking care of the latest issue, he would have her tucked into bed already, I bet. Damn, he was so pissed he couldn't hang out with her tonight like he planned.
Studying her slightly lidded eyes, I lean forward and grab hold of her knee. See? I can be gentle. Guilt grips my heart and squeezes painfully when she frowns at the contact, but she doesn't stiffen, which is nice. There once was a time she welcomed my touch.
"Are you tired?" I ask softly, though it's hard to mute the gravel tone from my voice. I want to squeeze her thigh and snatch her from Koa, but she chose him, so I'll hold back.
She's living with us and knows everything now.
I may not know how I'm going to fix this shit, but she will need to get used to me again.
I'm not one to skirt around what I want.
If I want to touch her leg, I damn well will.
I'll just have to learn to be sweeter because it seems she prefers Koa's brand of loving to mine.
Blinking at me, Cassie noticeably zones out and slumps back on Koa's chest. I feel like an idiot for worrying about her calm demeanor and should just be grateful she's not shouting at me. Then Parker leans forward and stares at her hard too.
Damn it, if he's concerned then I definitely should be. "Cassie?"
"Hm?" she hums, snuggling further into Koa. He meets my gaze over the top of her head with the same thoughts playing through his eyes. Why so cuddly and sleepy all of a sudden? Or is he wondering why I'm acting weird?
"I haven't been sleeping very well. The mattress is just a bit more solid than mine," Cassie finally mutters and closes her eyes.
"Well why the fuck haven't you said anything?!" Parker snarls, shocking the shit out of all of us. I'm not sure what exactly happens, but he grits his teeth and shoves to his feet. "Excuse me."
What the fuck? I expect reactions like that from Ripley, not our stoic, standoffish Parker. I'm halfway out of my seat to go kick his ass for shouting at her when Cassie stops me.
"Don't be mad at Spider. I'm the one intruding and making things hard for him." Cassie sighs and wiggles off Koa's lap.
His hands linger on her waist for far longer than necessary, yet I can't blame him. If she was comfortable with me like she is with him, I would take full advantage of her proximity too.
"I'm going to head back to the house," she tells us and waves goodbye.
I'm out of my seat and grabbing her hand faster than she can turn around. "You won't ever walk around in the dark alone," I growl low as I bend so we're eye to eye.
"I thought I was safe here," she fires back, all signs of sleepiness fading. Thank fuck, because I don't know how long I could manage being sweet and gentle. This I can do.
Not wanting an audience to my demise, I tug her through the crowd and out into the fresh night air. "I'm not willing to take any risks with you. Just fucking listen so we're both happy."
"You think this makes me happy?!" she snaps, free hand waving between us as she tries to yank her hand out of mine. Tries is the key word. Her attempt to dig her heels in doesn't help either. My head is on a swivel, making sure we're in the clear to get her home. Home. She's never leaving.
"Don't make me shout for Ripper," she threatens, which actually makes me stop in my tracks.
Turning slowly, I study her frazzled features. "He won't be able to hear you right now." I'm not totally sure that's true, though. He's been stalking her for years, so it's possible he has her mic'd or some shit.
"You didn't sell that very well. Seriously, Shade, let go of me." Huffing, she yanks as hard as she can, sending alarm through my body.
My free arm snaps out and curls around her lower back as I release her wrist. "Don't fucking do that, you'll hurt yourself. And don't call me that." A low grunt slips out of me when she slams her little hands on my chest. Fuck she feels so good against me.
"I'll scream for him," she says yet again, pissing me off. The flash of fear across her face and her thundering heartbeat against my chest stresses me the fuck out.
"What the fuck makes you think he'll come, let alone help you? It's me, Cassidy. You think I'll actually hurt you?"
Another slam of her hands on my pecs, and a disgruntled gasp for breath urges me to release her.
Goddamn it. I don't want to, but she's going to hurt herself if she keeps fighting me.
So I let go even though everything in me knows I should kiss her and force her body to calm down. I hate the way she stumbles away.
"Okay, fuck! Just breathe, woman."
Her tits rise and fall with her rapid breathing, but I fight like hell not to look. We've had years of sex and no talking. I need to figure out how the hell I'm going to talk to her.
Chin notching higher, Cassie fists her hands at her sides. "You have hurt me."
Slicing off my fucking leg with a bread knife would have been less brutal than those words. Unable to help myself, I take a step forward and about lose my fucking shit when she takes a step back off the curb.
"Shit. Alright, I won't touch you, but could you please get back on the sidewalk?
" Thankfully she does as I ask. Honestly it's a fucking miracle I asked instead of just grabbing her again.
I don't know who I should be for her to feel safe with me again, but the fact that she thinks I could actually hurt her tells me everything I need to know.
Crossing her arms defensively, she raises her shoulders to her ears. "I don't think you'd physically hurt me, Shade. So wipe the sad look off your face. I don't deserve to feel guilty for your hurt feelings."
Even my face is screwing this up for me. I'm not comfortable being a good guy. I'm a dominant asshole who doesn't know the first thing about tenderness. How fucked up is that? I don't know how to be sweet to the woman I love?
"Emotionally and mentally hurt me, yes. Constantly. For fucking years, so excuse me if I don't want to talk to you when I'm dead on my feet and desperately want to sleep."
Not knowing what to say because I'm shit at communication, I mumble the words I thought to myself earlier. "I'd rather you be sad than dead."
"For the love of—" she growls, cutting herself off.
Zipping around on her heel, she takes off toward our home at a brisk power walk.
Not checking to see if I'm following, she continues her rant.
"Cut the fucking crap with the sweet-talking, hesitant words and soft touches.
I don't need you to suddenly start treating me like I'm fucking fragile because I'm not. I've survived you, haven't I?"
Damn. Is that relief I feel?
"For the record, you were never sweet and gentle when we were dating, and I loved you then. The Maddy I let into my heart never would have let me go back there. You would have pulled me closer and kissed me."
"You looked afraid!" I snarl, my legs working hard to keep up with her.
"Because being around you brings back all the good memories, and I'm terrified of falling just to wind up hurt again!"
"You won't ever be hurt again," I growl, but she talks right over me as we reach the porch.
"So please, for shit’s sake, I can't handle you trying to be something you're not to try to win me back. If that's what you're doing," she tacks on, running up the steps now.
"If that's what I'm doing? Of course that's what I'm fucking doing!" I shout, rushing after her. I've seriously fucked this up.
"Then stop being someone you're not!" she screams, yanking the front door open and slamming it in my face.