38. Strike
Strike
Flirting and finally laying his feelings out was fun and more of a relief than he’d imagined, but there was something behind Millie’s eyes when she smiled.
As they returned to the house, he contemplated the hints of what she’d said about intimacy. There was another way to show her he was trustworthy.
They waved to Joyce as they stepped into the house. He checked the camera feed before giving Millie a tour, showing her the panic room and the escape routes, but she kept her distance from him.
“I’ll pop over to Joyce’s and give her the last cupcake. I want to thank her for the food. Okay?”
He nodded. “Keep your notifications on.”
While she was gone, he spoke with Bear about the next steps with Hugo and his dad.
Millie returned within the hour. As he made coffee, he sensed her behind him. She shook like her world was crumbling.
“Sit with me on the decking?” he asked.
She followed him but remained silent. Her fake wedding ring sparkled in the sunlight.
“Millie, what are you scared to tell me?”
Before she replied, his phone rang.
“Luke,” Strike said, “you’re on speakerphone, and Millie’s here. What’s up? Please tell me it’s good news.”
“I got into the phone.”
“Thank fuck,” Strike grunted.
“But I’m having issues with loading the video. We might lose it for good, but I’m transferring it to another system to work on it there.”
“Okay.” Strike smiled at Millie, but her face creased with hints of anxiety.
“Millie, did you load anything new on your phone on the day of the incident? A couple of apps can cause problems.”
“No. All the apps have been there for a while.”
“Cool.” Luke made a clicking sound with his tongue. “There’s an app on your phone I don’t recognise. This could be what’s causing issues. It keeps flagging on my programmes. It’s called Hack Chat. I’ll look it up.”
Millie grabbed Strike’s mobile. “Don’t. It’s an anonymous sexting app.”
Strike stared at Millie, who closed her eyes and dropped her head.
“Oh. Right,” Luke stuttered. “It’s possibly that or something with other software. I’ll run more checks. I’ll be in touch.”
“I look forward to it,” Strike replied, peering at Millie.
She handed him the phone and backed away inside the house, but he caught up with her, blocking her exit to the corridor.
“Don’t hide from me, Millie. Why are you freaking out about the app?” His voice was low and imploring.
“I’m not freaking out.”
She reared away, turning on her heel, heading to the kitchen. He followed her. “What’s wrong?”
She rounded on him.
“I was going to tell you today. I promise.” She took deep breaths. “I talk to men on the app. I say the dirtiest things. Sometimes, I play with myself when I talk to strangers. I like to be wanted, to be slutty. I didn’t meet with any of them.”
“Why are you ashamed?”
Her jaw was tight as she met his stare. “Because the things I say that turn me on would freak you out. They make me feel like I’m someone to be wanted rather than pitied.
I lap up how men dominate me. I’m not who you think I am.
You’ve put me on a pedestal. I don’t deserve or want to be there.
Talking with these guys was the only time I felt sexy and like a woman.
I felt in control, and it helped me get off. ”
His pulse quickened. Jealousy gripped him at the revelation that other men got to speak to her like this. But he was more curious than freaked out. “There’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you like. I know you’ve changed. If they got you off that way, though, why didn’t you meet?”
Tears brimmed her eyes, and she swiped them away angrily. He held her shoulders, but she shrugged him off. “Because I can’t do the physical thing. I’ve never been with anyone. No boyfriends, no hookups, no fuck buddies. There’s no one. There hasn’t been anyone since you.”
She strode to her room.
“No one at all?”
“I tried to be physical with a friend at university. I hoped the friendship would help, but when he went to touch me, I froze. I couldn’t do it.”
Strike shook. “But you didn’t have problems with me, now or before.”
“I know.” She left her bedroom door open for him. She collapsed on the bed, and he joined her.
“This is all my fault.”
She crawled onto his lap and wept. “The day you left me was the only time I’d had sex, and that rejection meant I was always scared to let someone near me again physically. With the app, I had the power, and I could still choose when to cut ties.”
“I’m sorry.” Strike rocked her as she clung to him. His nose itched, and a lump sat in the back of his throat. “I’m so sorry.”
“All this time, you were with women, doing what you wanted, and I couldn’t let anyone close. You rejected me and never looked back.”
He held her chin with his fingers. “I’ve never been with anyone else.”
She jerked away. “You’re lying.”
“I’m not.”
“It’s not possible.”
“It’s true. When I was in the army, I wrote you a letter every month.
Initially, they were the ramblings of a broken man trying to do the right thing, but over time, I shared what I was doing when it wasn’t classified.
I told you about the people in my squad, and occasionally… ” He pulled on the back of his neck.
“You’re blushing.” Her fingers traced where his cheeks were hottest.
“Because I told you about my fantasies. Your name was the only one on my lips all that time. It was always about you.”
“I didn’t get any letters.” Her hands shook as she cupped his face.
“I didn’t send them. Eventually, I hid them in my parents’ house. That day, I closed myself off, too. The army taught me to be regimented, but I learnt it when my heart broke because of what I did to you. Initially, I allowed myself to be the man you knew, but eventually, I shut him away.”
“Where are the letters now?” she asked quietly.
“When I packed up the house, I brought them with me. They’re in the boot of the car.”
“Can I read them?”
His head dropped, and he closed his eyes. “Yes.”
“What are you scared of, Strike?”
“I’m scared you’ll realise I’m too fucked up for you and too obsessed with you.”
“That I’m worried about the same suggests we’re fucked up enough for each other.” She brushed a kiss against his forehead. “I’ll read them after dinner.”
“Okay, Sunset.”