43. Millie
Millie
He pressed his eyes tighter before opening them. He held one of her hands and moved it to his lips.
She sucked in air. “What’s wrong?”
“When you said, ‘How bad can it go, really? It got me. The last time I heard that, someone died in my arms.” His eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “I can’t let that happen again. I can’t let anything happen to you.”
She used her fingers to write MINE on his chest before brushing her lips against the sadness creasing the skin around his eyes. She rested against his chest. “The person who died, was that when you were in the SAS?”
“Yes.” He pressed kisses against her hair. “His name was Sergeant James Parkin, but he was Parky to us. Another silly nickname.”
“They’re not all silly nicknames. I loved the explanation for yours.”
He grunted, and she feathered her fingertips across his chest, teasing the smattering of hair. “Parky was a nurse. He wasn’t technically Special Forces, but he was with us on this operation to find drop zones for food and medical supplies.”
“What happened?”
“Considering some of the things we dealt with, this wasn’t particularly dangerous. We scoped out an area on the edge of a town. Something nagged me, but I ignored it because we were minutes away from getting out of there. Parky told me he needed to investigate one more place.”
“And that was the mistake?”
“Yes. I should have listened to myself. My body did that thing where it feels like I have pins and needles in my fingers. My instincts are sometimes so physical, it’s as if my brain desperately wants me not to ignore them. It’s ludicrous.”
She lifted her head, fixing him with her stare. “Not to me. It’s no different than one of my clients throwing up because they’re anxious or someone losing their voice because they feel like they have no say in a situation. The body and mind are closely connected.”
“I’ve never told anyone the pins and needles thing because I thought they’d laugh at me.”
“I’ll never laugh at you, Strike. Not even if you tell a joke,” she teased.
“Cheeky brat.”
She lay her head back down, and he toyed with her hair. “So you looked in one more place…”
“And then shots rang out. I dragged Parky behind me, but I wasn’t quick enough, he’d been hit by a bullet.
There was blood everywhere. My squad returned fire as I moved him to a safer area.
But it was too late. While back home people lived their normal lives, a man younger than we are now died in my arms, crying because he’d never see his four-year-old daughter grow up. ”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I was captured and tortured because I wouldn’t leave him to save myself. I should have gone with the rest of my command, but instead, I stayed with Parky so he wouldn’t be alone. The enemy saw me and dragged me to their holdout.”
“I can’t begin to imagine the things you went through. I’m surprised you function, let alone do what you do. I don’t know where I’d have been without you this past week. You’re an incredible bodyguard.”
“I don’t deserve your praise.” His voice dropped, and she worried she was losing him to his pain.
But if he needed to revisit it to process it, then she’d be here for every second of his suffering.
“Before we lost Parky, the lads joked I was a robot. But that was it for me. I left the army as soon as I was released. I still see him and others when I try to sleep.”
“You’ve seen many deaths?”
“More than anyone should have to. I’ve killed, too.
It seemed right then, but those were real people who might have had families.
” She stroked his chest like she did his neck to calm him.
“I wanted to be in the most dangerous missions and face the worst situations. There were kill-or-capture missions for high-value terrorist leaders and reconnaissance in a place where, if we were found, we’d be killed on sight.
I’ve been shot at and have scars, cuts, and bruises.
I never stopped until Parky. I couldn’t save him, and I wanted to save everyone. ”
“Because you’re a good man.”
His laugh was hollow. “No, because no matter how many lives I saved, I couldn’t rewrite what I did to you. You were the one I couldn’t save.”
Her brows knotted, and she clenched her fists. “I didn’t need saving.”
He stretched them out with his fingers. “You didn’t need what I did to you, either.
I was injured by a roadside bomb once, but I battled and carried on.
Nothing stopped me because Bear told me you were hurting.
I was in so much pain, but at least when adrenaline hit and panic or fear set in, I felt something else. ”
Millie crawled higher and moved Strike, so he rested against her chest. “You punished yourself.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Strike—”
“Please call me Caleb. Today, I want to be the man who doesn’t know how evil the world is. I want to be the guy who ate sweets in a shed with the neighbour he crushed on as she tried to help him with his homework.”
“Caleb, promise me you’ll stop punishing yourself.
You made a mistake. You were human. But you did it because you cared.
There were moments I hated you and wanted to scream at you, but more than anything, I missed my best friend—the man who I loved to watch smile, the man whose trinkets fill my memory box.
We can be like a memory box, tucking away only the good memories to revisit repeatedly.
Do you want to try to lose the bad memories forever? Do you want a future?”
She held her breath as she waited for his reply.
He pressed his lips hard to hers. “I want everything with you. I’ll try anything.”
She kissed him back. It was a sweet kiss of the future, with the taste of salt from his tears of the past.
He lay back against her chest.
His breathing slowed, and she whispered, “Will you be able to sleep tonight?”
“I always sleep better with you. You keep me safe in my dreams.”
“When this is all over”—she paused, choosing her words carefully—“when we’re safe and attempting a future, do you want to visit Parky’s daughter together?”
He sighed, and his body relaxed against hers. “I’d like that. She’ll be seven now. I’m still in contact with his husband.”
“Maybe you can start a memory box for his daughter of things her daddy said.”
“I love that idea. I missed you so much, Sunset.”