Chapter 7
All Cassie could do in the moment was surrender and let herself feel for the first time in a long time.
Her fingertips ran along the solid wall lines of Hudson’s chest. She’d been wanting to touch him again ever since the first kiss earlier.
No, she needed to touch him. Her body craved the feel of him, that silk over steel.
He tasted like a mix of toothpaste and fresh brew.
Damn. She’d had no idea how incredible that mixture could be.
Then again, it probably had more to do with drinking in his clean, spicy scent that put her over the top.
Cassie was hitting a point of no return with Hudson. Emotions flooded her, scared her.
She pulled back first. He rested his forehead on hers as they caught their breath.
“Did I go too far?” he asked with more than a hint of vulnerability in his tone.
“You’re perfect.” And that was the problem. Because despite every instinct inside her reassuring her that he was the real deal, past mistakes made her question everything she thought she knew and could trust.
The problem was that she could stay like this forever.
Neither budged as minutes ticked by and their breathing slowly returned to normal.
Then, she moved back into her earlier position, wishing she could be with this man in the biblical sense.
Wishing that she could set aside her doubts, while knowing she couldn’t.
It was strange how much she trusted him and not herself.
Jarek had left a scar too deep to ignore, and he wasn’t done with her yet.
The kindest thing she could do for Hudson was walk away. And she would. Tomorrow.
Leaving was tomorrow’s problem. The pain she would undoubtedly feel was an issue for future her. Because right now her could only think about how nice it was to be with someone who saw her, really saw her.
Cassie woke with a start. She bolted upright and immediately checked her surroundings.
“You’re all right,” came the voice that wrapped a warm blanket around her while causing her heart to free-fall. He sat in a leather club chair next to the sofa. “I’m right here.” His voice soothed more of her aches than she cared to admit.
It would also be short-lived.
Sitting up all the way and stretching out her arms caused the blanket to fall off her and onto the wooden floor. “What time is it?”
“Five-thirty,” he said, moving to scoop up the blanket before her brain could command her body to move. She was stiff, achy, and…
She had the chills.
Was she sick? Oh, hell no. Right now?
Hudson took a knee beside her after replacing the soft throw. “I was concerned because you spiked a fever in the middle of the night.”
She pulled the blanket up to her neck, then sank back down. “I don’t have time to be sick.”
“No one ever does,” he said with a small smile. He handed her a glass of water. “Can you drink this for me?”
She took the offering and drained the contents.
“You’ve been camping outside in the elements, and God only knows where you were before you made it here.”
It hit her. “I stayed in a dicey motel. I slept in my clothes on top of the covers because I was afraid to touch anything.”
“Germs are everywhere,” he said. “Shopping cart handles. Steering wheels. All you have to do to catch some viruses is breathe.”
“You’re right,” she said with a groan. “Everything aches.”
“Any chance I can convince you to take my bed, where I can keep a better eye on you?” He pointed to the left. “The door is right there instead of down a hallway. And I’ll be right in here on the couch.”
“You should probably stay far away from me so you don’t catch whatever this is.”
He cracked a smile as his gaze bounced from her eyes to her lips and back. “I think it’s a little too late to worry about that. Besides, stress affects your immune system, and you’ve had more than your fair share based on what you’ve told me already.”
She couldn’t argue his logic.
“I have Zinc and Vitamin C pills.” He made his way to the kitchen and back in a few seconds. He held his hand out. “Technically, they’re chewable.”
Cassie took the offerings and immediately popped them into her mouth. The fizz made her want to throw up. She quickly washed the taste away with water.
“You talk in your sleep, by the way.”
That couldn’t be a good sign. Panic gripped her with icy fingers. “What did I say?”
“You mumbled mostly about a guy named Jarek.”
That was definitely not a good sign.
She compressed her lips into a frown and squeezed her eyes shut for a second before asking, “What did I say about him?”
“We can talk about it when you’re feeling better, okay?”
“I’d rather talk about it now.”
He felt her forehead and frowned. “Cassie, you’re burning up. Let me get your fever down first, and then I’ll tell you what little I learned about your past.”
Much like bad medicine, she’d rather take the hits now and get them over with.
Shame filled her at how she’d let Jarek slip past her radar.
Hadn’t she always been careful about letting people in?
How that sonofabitch had crept through was beyond her.
Looking back, there’d been signs. But when you never let anyone in, it gets harder to spot the slippery ones who end up hurting you.
“Okay,” she finally answered Hudson. “But I’m not proud of my past.”
“No one is perfect, Cassie. We all make mistakes.”
“I doubt it. You seem pretty damn perfect to me.”
Hudson laughed. “I’m one of the most screwed up people you’ll ever meet.”
“You couldn’t be.”
He sat down on the hardwood beside the couch.
“Then, let me burst the bubble. When I was a kid, I fell head over heels in love with a girl. We were young, but it felt like the real deal.” He issued a sharp sigh, as if this next part still hurt to say.
“I’ve never talked about her to anyone. Not even my family, so… ”
She reached out to touch his hand in a show of support. He linked their fingers. His thumb made small circles in the palm of her hand. His touch was so light, so gentle, and yet so powerful for the effect it had on her body and soul.
“Her name was Adina,” he said, the words sounding thick in his throat.
“We were nineteen and crazy about each other. She got sick. Really sick. And I blamed her for it. I told her she was leaving me on purpose.” He shook his head.
“Those were some of the last words I said to her before she lost consciousness.” He took in a slow breath, closed his eyes tightly like he would be able to somehow shut out the pain that came with the memory.
“I’d been watching her slip away for weeks, and I was losing my mind.
We had our future planned out, and it felt like she was quitting on me, leaving me like everyone else in my life had.
It broke me to watch the light in her slowly fizzle out.
I never got a chance to tell her how sorry I was for being a jerk to her.
In my desperation to save her, I found a variety of herbs and tonics online for her to try.
She did, at first. Then nothing worked. She kept getting weaker.
I tried harder to find something that would turn it around and give us the life together that we’d been planning since our second date.
When she clamped her mouth shut, refusing to take yet another ‘miracle’ pill, I accused her of quitting me, too. ”
“You were nineteen, Hudson. Not much more than a kid.”
He shook his head. “That’s no excuse for what I said to her.
And I’ll never forgive myself for letting those be the last words she heard from me when I should’ve been reassuring her that whatever happened next, she was going to be okay.
That she could let go. She didn’t have to keep fighting because I couldn’t handle the thought of losing the only person I’d ever loved. ”
Tears sprang to Cassie’s eyes. She discreetly wiped them away. “I’m so sorry, Hudson.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“No, I don’t. But I am because you were doing your best, and you should forgive yourself for being young and na?ve.” More tears leaked from her eyes, hot tears that left a trail as they rolled down her cheeks.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness.”
“Everyone does.” Those words sounded hollow even to her.
“Have you? Forgiven yourself?”
The fact he’d turned the tables caught her off guard.
“I’m a grown-ass adult,” she said quickly. Too quickly? “I should know better.”
“What’s the age limit on forgiving yourself?” he continued, again catching her off balance with his honest responses.
“It’s certainly not nineteen,” she said, thinking how she’d never truly forgiven herself for the closed adoption, for giving up her baby despite being seventeen and not having a clue about life or what it took to raise a child.
She hadn’t been able to afford to feed herself without help.
How was she supposed to buy baby formula for a child?
“But we’re talking about you here, Hudson. Not me.”
“Right, because you’re off limits.” He let go of her hand, and she immediately missed his warmth. She missed the rough calluses against her skin. And she missed how his hand had covered hers so completely.
“I’m sorry,” was all she could manage before the flood of tears came.
The temptation to reach out to Cassie, to be her reassurance, was a physical ache.
She’d closed off, and there wasn’t shit he could do about it.
Frustration had him on his feet, pacing.
Talking about Adina had been like opening up a vein.
It hurt like hell to think about what a selfish jerk he’d been. “I need air.”
“Okay,” came the response as she sat up straighter and took in a deep breath. “I’ll be right here when you get back.”
Hudson made a beeline for the back door. He stepped outside and into the humid air. Breathing was like gulping from a spigot. No relief to be found out here.
He headed back inside, closed and locked the door behind him, and moved to the sink.
Palms down, he braced himself against the cold granite countertop.
A cramp tightened the knot in his chest. Decade-old pain, pain that had been stuffed down so deep that he’d almost convinced himself that it didn’t exist, surfaced. The intensity threatened to break him.
Adina had deserved better from him. The way they’d felt about each other had deserved more respect than he’d given it. Why the hell had he reacted with anger instead of being there for her like he should have been?
A wave of guilt crashed down on him, threatening to crush him under its weight. He didn’t talk about Adina to anyone. Ever.
“Hey.” Cassie’s voice was a whisper as she entered the room from behind him. He didn’t turn around.
She walked up behind him and looped her arms around his chest, holding onto him.
Not a word was spoken between them, but her presence calmed the storm brewing inside him. He just stood there.
And then he took a deep breath. Reality was a gut punch. Cassie was about to walk out of his life. Forever. Leaning on her would be a mistake because what would he do when she left? What then?
For the first time since Adina, he could see himself opening up to someone and letting them see all the layers of himself.
It would be a mistake to think she would be around.
“It’s almost sunrise,” he said. “We should get our day started.”
Cassie dropped her hands and took a step back. He didn’t dare turn around to look at her. He wouldn’t be able to stomach staring at a hurt or disappointed look on her face, especially since he was the one who’d put that look there.
The next thing he heard was her feet padding out of the kitchen and down the hallway, no doubt to get dressed. Rather than follow, he put on a pot of coffee and started making breakfast. He scrambled eggs and made toast. After plating the food, he called for Cassie and was met with silence.
Should he check on her?
Yes.
He should definitely check on her.
Hudson turned and started toward the guest bedroom where she’d left her clothes last night. Halfway down the hallway, Cassie emerged. She was fully dressed, hair pulled back from her face.
One look into her eyes, still glossy from fever, stopped him dead in his tracks.
“Can we take the food to go?” she asked.
Was she done with him?
It took a second to get his mouth to work again. “Yes,” he said, fighting against all the protests rising inside him. “We can.”
“Good. I’ve been in your hair long enough. It’s time for me to get back out there on my own.” There was no enthusiasm behind those words. No passion. They were robotic. There was no glimpse of the person she’d been a little while ago.
“All right then.” He should probably tell her not to go, but he’d already done that more times than he cared to count. If she wanted to leave, so be it. Hudson sure as hell had no plans to stop her.
“In fact, if you want to drop me off before your day gets started, that’s cool, too.”
Did she mean that?
“I can. It’s up to you.” His heart told him to speak up, but logic said to detach. This woman wanted to be around him about as much as a mouse wanted to be tossed into a snake’s enclosure.
Fine.
“Let me grab my keys, and we’ll head out right now.”