Chapter 23
CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE
I push through crowds at the 34 th St-Hudson Yards station until I’m up on the street to see this area of the city awash with geekery.
A slow, steady stream of people are excitedly and enthusiastically flowing towards the Javits Center, animatedly talking with their friends or stopping to take a photo with one of the many absolutely incredible cosplayers amongst the throng.
Waiting at the crossing light, a police officer on the street to direct traffic and ensure our safe crossings, I’m flanked by a group of muscled guys in tight, anime accurate Sailor Moon outfits, three Spider-Men, a character from an old Cartoon Network show, and a really great Thunderman, as well as a crush of men and women of various ages, all smiling and bubbling with energy, looking forward to their first show.
As we all move along the front entrance of the Javits, I peel off at the professionals entrance path, flashing my badge on the end of the Excelsior Comics lanyard I’m wearing to get entry. I tap in with security, and head into an even thicker throng of people, all of them fans of comics, movies, anime, TV shows, video games, books, any media or entertainment you can imagine. Some are dressed in cosplay, some are in plain clothes, all are absolutely vibing.
It’s amazing.
I absolutely love the buzz of Comic Con, no matter which show it is. I’ve been lucky enough to have been to a few different ones in my time, and whether it’s a small hotel lobby collector’s fair or a massive multimedia event, the positive energy of geek joy that flows throughout is infectious. But nothing is quite like New York Comic Con.
I guess San Diego Comic Con could have it beat, but I’ve yet to have the chance to go there.
The main doors aren’t even open yet, and already it’s packed with revelers of all stripes, so much so that I almost get swept up in it and forget the reason I even have a pass to get in in the first place.
I shake myself out of getting lost in the amazing artistry on display in the cosplayers costumes, promising myself I’ll take a few pics later, and head onto the main show floor. Thanks to my pass, I’m allowed entry now before the show officially opens proper, and I make my way to the Excelsior Comics booth.
We’re a short way down away from the Marvel booth, with the Image booth just the other side of us, planting us squarely between two of the big powerhouses of comics. It’s been a while, but it’s nice to see DC with a booth again, and a much bigger presence, that they normally reserve for San Diego Comic Con, too.
Our booth, just like those of the other big publishers, towers over the show floor. One main tower element goes from floor to ceiling, covered in art of our most popular characters, over a dozen feet tall, among other ads and calls to action. There’s a smaller tower with a small stairway up to a slightly secluded balcony, where you can watch over the crowds when the con starts, and our press team will undoubtedly use it to hold some small talks and interviews for the socials throughout the weekend.
Smaller pop ups connect the two towering elements, creating a shop front from which we’ll be selling exclusive Excelsior merch, plus a long table which will host signings from some of the biggest names attached to our books. There’s even a small stage, where we’ll have the Excelsior Cosplay competition on Sunday, and probably other giveaways and competitions throughout the weekend.
I rock up to the smaller tower and say hi to Jake, part of the editorial team who’s acting as point person for all the interns and volunteers working for Excelsior this weekend.
“You’re here nice and early, Jesse. I like it,” Jake says matter of factly.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I admit. “I guess I was too excited for the con!” Okay, so a little white lie about the reason, but he doesn’t need to know the real reason why I couldn’t sleep.
After talking with Amanda last night, I tossed and turned in bed, her words and Arran’s running through my head, and wondering what this meant for me and Cal. If I should pursue it, or shut it down.
Do I risk it? After all, even if he was to say yes to try becoming more than just partners in comics making, and I’m not convinced he would, after all he’s seen the mess I am. Even if, what if down the line I completely screw it all up? I could lose not just a boyfriend, but my best friend and a trusted collaborator.
Even if it gets that far. After I tell him about the text message…about the shadow looming over me all these weeks, he might just?—
“Earth to Jesse! Come in, Jesse!”
I start from my own private internal doomscrolling. Jake is holding out an itinerary. A list of what creators are signing when, along with some scribbled notes about their preferred drinks orders.
“Sorry, Jake, I guess I drifted off there…”
“I’d have preferred you come in late if it meant you were rested up and actually present, Jesse. Can’t be having you spaced out, man. I know it’s the Thursday, but it is still going to be absolute insanity out there. I need you on your A game.”
I nod fiercely, masking a gulp as my throat works. I let Jake know he’s got my full attention, and we start talking about what we’re going to do once the doors open in thirty five minutes.
I’m glad I packed a lunch to bring with me, because the food hall is absolutely heaving with people. It’s about all I can do to find anywhere to sit and eat my sandwich, and then I don’t even have a table, instead sitting on the floor with my back leaned against a large pillar.
From my vantage point, I look up at all the fans and cosplayers passing to and fro, many congregating in groups to take a break, or just make videos, dance and take selfies with their friends. A lot are taking the moment to show each other what they bought, or what signatures they managed to get, and it’s really nice to see all the smiles and faces of pure amazement and shock around the room.
For my part, I am so glad to be on a break. Not only has it been an absolutely insane rush, even today, the quietest day of the comic con, but my mind has been turning around possibilities and choices constantly, exhausting me mentally as well as physically. What’s more, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t working out ideas to pitch Hank, even though I know I’m not going to take him up on his offer. At least, I think I shouldn’t.
But it’s also niggling at the back of my brain: here’s a chance, a way in that could even fast-track my way into mainstream comics writing, and with someone like Hank at my back, who knows how far I could go.
If I’m willing to abandon my morals and my convictions. And disappoint Cal, and Arran too now, I guess.
I’m almost certain I won’t then. Like, ninety percent. Eighty. A lot.
So if not that path, what else could I choose? For some reason, I’ve been inundated with incredible guys in the last couple of weeks, and each one I can see huge ways in which they could make me happy. And I need to choose soon: I have to face the thing I’ve been avoiding all this time, before it’s too late.
Not to mention if I want a date for Ricky’s wedding, I need to nail that down soon. It’ll be weird if I start dating someone and immediately invite them to a friends’ wedding, I should at least try and get a few weeks of dating in first, right?
Will’s voice comes into my head, laughing at me feeling like I have to do this all at once. But I think if he knew why I needed to find the perfect guy to lean on, he’d understand.
“Jesse?”
I look up from staring at my sandwich, the lights haloing a figure in front of me. I tilt my head so I can see their face better, and my eyes widen in surprise.
“Seth? What’re you doing here?”
I awkwardly push myself back up to my feet, and then find myself towering over Seth and looking down at him. He’s not in cosplay, but rather quite casually dressed, even more so than the night I met him at JoyBox. He gives me a big hug before standing back and giving me a smile.
“After you talked about the comics stuff with me the other night, I figured I’d try and get myself a pass for the convention. I could only manage to snatch up a Thursday pass, so, well, here I am.”
“Oh, you should have dropped me a message, I could have arranged to meet you,” I say as I stash the rest of my lunch.
“Well, I found you now, fancy walking around with me for a bit?”
I check my watch and see the time. “I can join you for a little bit, but I’m expected back at the booth for work soon. How about we walk in that general direction, and we can chat while we go?”
Seth agrees, and I throw my bag over my shoulder and we start making our way back up to the main floor. As we walk, I ask about Perry and Tom, and Seth needles me about taking them up on their offer of hanging out sometime.
“Soon, for sure,” I vaguely promise. “I’ve just had a lot on right now, is all.”
Seth frowns. “Just for this?” He gestures around the show floor.
My lips go to a thin line as I measure out what to tell him. “Yes. And no. I’ve actually kind of got a lot on my mind, lately. A lot of things to try and work out.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
A beat passes. “I guess…have you ever felt like life is moving a little too fast for you to keep up, and that you need to get some of it nailed down fast so that you don’t lose out forever?”
Seth grins. “You could say that. I actually kinda felt that way about my transition.”
“You did?” I look down at him, as he puts his hands in his pockets, slightly shrinking into himself. I wonder if he’s thinking if he should open up? Maybe he’s worried about scaring me off? “You know, you don’t need to tell me if it’s too much this early on in our friendship or whatever, but if you did want to share, I’d like to be there for you.”
Seth looks up at me with bright eyes and grins. “I’d like that.”
As we round the corner from a block of Artist Alley tables and head towards the larger booths, Seth gives a brief sigh, and then, “I started thinking about transitioning as I was coming to the end of high school. I had known for years that something wasn’t right, and when I saw these guys online who’d already done it, and were sharing their progress, looking more and more like the men they really were, I wanted it so much. And I thought, ‘hey, high school is almost over, I’m heading outta state for college, why not now?’
“I remember thinking I could be in a whole new city, meeting whole new people who wouldn’t have the baggage of a preconceived identity for me, I could just be who I really was. But that didn’t give me much time, and I wanted to be at the end stage, looking like the guys who’d been on T for years. Not to mention, politically, legally, it looked so scary, like my chance to become who I wanted to be, no, who I really was , could be taken away from me at any moment.
“So I threw myself into it. I made appointment after appointment, begging to get to the next stage faster, my medical team pushing for me to slow down, to relax. When I did start hormones, I was overjoyed at first. But then after just a few months, and not seeing as much change as I wanted too, I got scared. I was a little stupid, and sometimes would double up on doses, to try and get to the finish line faster.”
“That doesn’t sound safe,” I venture.
“It wasn’t. I kinda wound up making myself sick. I sorta almost burned out on my transition journey. Thankfully, my family was there for me, and some friends caught on to what was up, and they didn’t care that I was changing in front of their eyes. They reminded me that they were there for me, whatever I was going through.”
Seth grabs my arms and turns me, stopping amongst the crowds that now flowed around us like a river around a large rock, with only a minor amount of grumbling as the people who were directly behind us pass by.
“I suppose what I’m saying is, whatever it is you’re dealing with, you’re not alone in it. There are people who’d like to be there for you, if you let them.”
The meaning behind Seth’s words isn’t lost on me, and it is exactly what I wanted to hear, what I needed to. It’s what I’ve been searching for. “I…I know. And I want to. It just feels a little… big right now. I think I need to get my own head around it first, and then…”
“I get that. But don’t wrestle with it too long, Jesse, that way leads to crashing out, hard,” he takes my hand. “Look, me, Tom and Perry are going to this comedy show tonight. Why don’t you join us?”
“I’d like that,” I smile. Then I realize I was supposed to be getting back to work, and check my watch. “Shit, I need to be back at the booth.”
“No worries!” Seth laughs, shooing me on. “I’ll text you the details. I’ll see you later, handsome!”
Seth waves at me as I walk away, looking back as he gets swallowed up in the crowd. I turn and head to the booth, taking in Seth’s words.
I need to make my choice soon, because I need to get on top of everything, and I can only do that with support. But with Seth’s heartfelt opening up and kind words of empathy, I’m even more confused about which choice is the best one to make.
When I get back to the booth, Hank is there.
He sees me and immediately makes his way over to me, taking me gently by the arm.
“Jesse! So good to catch you here, I hoped I would,” he smiles. “Have you given any thought to what we discussed the other day?” This last question he says in a lower tone, almost conspiratorially.
“I…I have, Hank. I don’t know if?—”
He throws an arm over my shoulders, thick and strong. “Hey, hey, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But I like you, Jesse. I think we could have a lot of fun together, and I know I could be a lot of help to you. With my years of experience, I’m sure I could get you where you want to go,” he pauses, looking around us to make sure no one is eavesdropping. Everyone is so busy serving the masses of fans, we’re barely registering on their radar. “I could help you professionally. Or I could just help you…physically. You helped me after all, I owe you.”
I laugh stiltedly. “You don’t owe me, Hank, really.”
He looks at me through half-lidded eyes. “I kind of like owing you, though.”
I gulp hard.
He claps my shoulder, standing up straight, broadening his chest. His shirt parts, revealing a hairy, muscled chest, a mix of brunette and white fur coating them. “Well, just have a think about it…you know where to find me. I’ll be up late tonight and tomorrow, Jesse. Would be good to have some company.”
Hank leaves the booth as I watch him walk into the crowds.
“What was that about?” Jake startles me.
“Oh, nothing. Just comic stuff, you know,” I laugh, and then throw myself at the nearest fan and beginning selling them a t-shirt.