Amelia
FORTY-TWO
DECEMBER, THREE SEASONS AGO
GE
Can’t wait to land in Denver!
Me
Any particular reason why you’re excited for Colorado in December?
Big fan of the snow, right?
GE
Please.
It’s been six months since we hung out, Green.
I’m excited to see you.
Me
I’m excited to see you too.
I thought we’d be able to hang before our game, but I’m busy.
Lainey is getting recognized by the NBA team she works for, and we’re doing dinner tonight.
GE
Hell yeah! Go Lainey!
Celebrating friends is way more important than hanging out with me!
See you on the ice tomorrow night?
Me
Just like always, Everett.
GE
I like kicking your team’s ass on your home rink ;)
“I know I’m getting older, but this is difficult to read.” I squint at the dinner menu. “Do I need to order a pair of glasses?”
“Seriously.” Sienna sets the wine list down. “Someone get me a flashlight.”
“Thank you for struggling through shitty lighting for me.” Lainey smiles. “I’m glad to have you all by my side.”
“Cheers to ten years of working for the same sports team.” I lift my glass of champagne her way. “That’s an incredible accomplishment in this industry.”
“And to think I almost quit when I was in box office ticket sales. Look at me now. I made it!” Lainey takes a sip of her drink. “Can everyone catch me up on what’s happening in their lives, please? Any holiday plans? Noteworthy hookups?”
“I slept with a guy who had his own name tattooed on his dick.” Sienna wrinkles her nose. “It’s truly the most revolting thing I’ve ever experienced with a man.”
“Hang on. Like, on his dick? Or above his dick on his stomach?” I ask.
“Is one option better than the other?” Lainey asks. “They both seem narcissistic, no?”
“Consider it curiosity,” I say. “I want to make sure I’m understanding this douchebag.”
“On his dick. Over every vein and ridge,” Sienna explains. “And it wasn’t a short name.”
“Fucking hell.” I shake my head. “So much for ordering meatballs.”
“A psychologist would have a field day with him.” Lainey throws her head back and laughs. “What about you, Amelia? The season is in full swing, but there has to be something exciting happening in your life besides hockey.”
I sip my champagne and savor the bubbles on my tongue, knowing there’s a lot of excitement in my life.
It’s been six months since I last saw Grant, and no one knows that we spent time together this summer. No one knows how much I wanted to kiss him, and not a goddamn soul is aware I have feelings for him.
Carrying the secret around is hard, and it might be time to call in the big guns.
“Okay.” I put my glass on the table and nudge it away. I need a clear head. “I’ll catch you all up, but you have to swear what I tell you never leaves this table. If it does, there could be serious consequences for all parties involved, including me.”
“Did you get in some legal trouble?” Sienna frowns. “My friend from college is a kickass attorney.”
“I can loan you money,” Lainey adds, and I’m reminded how lucky I am to have these two as my best friends.
“It’s nothing like that.” I pause to take a breath. “There’s a guy in my life, and it’s complicated.”
“Why is it complicated?” Sienna asks.
“Because he’s a player in the league, he’s years younger than me, and he’s totally off limits.
My career and reputation are at stake here,” I blurt.
“I stopped talking to him for a couple months when I realized I was developing feelings for him. I tried to put distance between us and sever that connection, but it didn’t work.
We saw each other over the summer and… I learned those feelings haven’t gone away.
I like him so much, and I don’t know what to do about it. ”
“Shit,” Lainey whispers. “That is complicated.”
“We need the full scope of what’s going on. Has there been any sort of physical relationship between you two?” Sienna asks.
“No. We’ve been close to having a moment, and I want him to kiss me, but nothing has actually happened.
I stayed at his place when I visited him.
In a separate bedroom,” I hurry to add when Lainey’s mouth pops open.
“I haven’t seen him since June, but the distance hasn’t stopped me from liking him. ”
My feelings for Grant were strong when we were under the same roof, but they’re even stronger now.
Time has stretched on, a slog from July to December wrapped up in texts, hurried FaceTime calls from our hotel rooms in different cities, and late nights where I wonder how he’s doing and if he misses me as much as I miss him.
On the days when I’m feeling reflective, I’ll stumble into a vision of him sitting by my side. Tossing a smile my way. Quiet peace in the lovelorn mundanity we found ourselves in back in June.
“You’re sure you can’t be with him?” Lainey asks. “What if no one knew you two had a relationship?”
“Secrets can’t stay secrets forever. Someone would find out eventually, and when they did, my ass would be the one to take the brunt of the blame.”
“That’s the unfortunate truth of being a woman in sports.” Sienna sighs. “So you want him, but you can’t have him.”
“Exactly.” I nod. “What should I do?”
“You have two options,” she starts. “You could tell him how you feel and pursue a relationship with him.”
“Impossible.” I don’t even entertain the thought. “What’s next?”
“Dating other people. You should figure out what you’re looking for and what your type might be,” Lainey chimes in. “You haven’t been serious with anyone since we’ve known you, Amelia. And it’s hard to fight feelings when there’s nothing else to distract you.”
“The guys I’ve met on dating apps have been mediocre at best, and I don’t want mediocre,” I say. “But you’re right. I need to get rid of my attraction to him.”
“What do you want?” Sienna asks. “Like Lainey said, you haven’t really been with anyone since we met. Maybe if you tell us what you’re looking for in a guy, we’ll see if we know anyone.”
“He has to be funny, but not in an attention-seeking way. I want to genuinely laugh, not put up with stupid jokes he’s doling out to try to impress people,” I say.
“He has to be humble. Even if he’s good at his job, he has to be able to receive feedback without getting upset.
Nice, smart, and considerate are all important traits too. ”
I cut myself off before I add anything else because the more I talk, the more one very specific man comes to mind: Grant.
“I know someone who works for the team in premium ticket sales,” Lainey says, and I blink away all the times Grant has made me giggle.
How he always holds the door open for me and thrives on feedback.
“He’s a nice guy with great style. He’s really smart too.
I’d trust my drink around him, which is my litmus test with men. Do you want his number?”
“It can’t hurt, right?” I say.
“It definitely can’t,” Sienna agrees.
“Here.” Lainey slides her phone across the table. “His name is Mason.”
“Thanks.” I plug in his number and save his contact. “And thanks for making me feel like there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.”
“He’s just a man.” Lainey smiles. “You’re going to get through this, Amelia.”
We toast Lainey after that, but there’s a pesky voice in the back of my head that won’t stop asking the question I’m afraid to ask myself.
What if I don’t get through this?
I come home to an empty apartment. I turn on the heat and stare at the living room while a pang of loneliness hits me square in the chest.
I’ve never felt like I needed a man to be happy or fulfilled, but tonight, the space is too quiet. The air is too sharp, the missing piece too noticeable, and I reach for my phone. I back out of Mason’s contact information and tap over to my text thread with Grant.
Me
Do you ever feel like you’re surrounded by so many good things in life, but still feel wildly alone?
My phone lights up a second later. I can’t help the smile that blooms across my face at the sight of his name.
GE
Yes.
Sometimes I sit in my apartment and feel like I’m the only one in the world.
Me
That’s a good way to put it.
GE
Are you okay?
Am I okay?
I don’t know how to answer that honestly, but my fingers type without thought.
Me
I’m fine! Just feeling lonely tonight.
GE
Are you sure?
Me
Totally :) Thanks for listening to me. See you tomorrow at the arena!
It’s bullshit enthusiasm, but it’s easier than explaining why I’m feeling this way.
Him.
Him, who I like. Him, who I want to spend time with. Him, who I can’t fucking have.
Grant doesn’t respond, and I’m sure he fell asleep.
It’s late in Denver, and being on East Coast time makes it even later.
I put my phone on my bedside table and strip out of my dinner clothes.
A long shower helps soothe the sting that won’t leave me alone.
The warm water reminds me that Grant isn’t the only man out there, that this Mason guy might be incredible, and I need to give him a chance.
I’m better by the time I slip on my pajamas, but the knock on my apartment door scares the hell out of me. I frown and head to the foyer, not sure who might be here. A quick glance through the peephole shows me I have a visitor, and I practically rip the door open.
Grant Everett, in the flesh.
His cheeks are pink. His hair is messy from the beanie he pulls off his head. The glasses he’s wearing tilt sideways, and he fixes them with long fingers.
Goddamn my wretched heart for picking him.
“What are you doing here?” I whisper.
“I need you to know that you’re never alone, Lia.” He steps inside. The door slams shut behind him, and he puts his hands on my cheeks. Cold palms, smooth skin. “Not while I’m around.”
My breath comes out as a tangled rasp. I lunge for him, enveloping him in a hug he returns without thought. I stay there, my face buried in his sweatshirt that smells like clean sheets and the hint of cedarwood. My eyes prick with tears as his hands move across my shoulders.
Steady, strong.
How much longer can I fight this battle with myself?
“You should be sleeping.” I pull away so I can look at him. “You have a game tomorrow.”
“And you should know I’d drop everything for you.” He rests his forehead against mine. Long eyelashes. The faintest flecks of green in his dark eyes. “Fuck the game.”
I’m drowning in him. Drifting out to sea, and I don’t want to come back to land. Not when his palms move lower, down to the base of my spine, and press me into him tight.
Never in all of my life have I wanted to pause time so I could stay in the moment as much as I do right now. I want to tie myself to him so I never have to leave.
He’s my favorite person in the world, and second place isn’t even in the same galaxy.
“I’m so glad you’re here. And I appreciate you so much. How you just… just knew that I needed some reassurance.” I hold his sweatshirt tight in my fist, keeping him close. “You know me better than I know myself.”
“You’re pretty easy to read after four years.” His mouth pulls up in the corner. “I have you all figured out.”
“Do you want to stay? I can make some tea. Or coffee, if you’re feeling adventurous.”
“I so badly want to stay, but it’s late.
We both have important things to do tomorrow with the game and all, so I’m going to head out.
” Grant blows out a breath. For half a silly second, I think he’s about to kiss me.
“I couldn’t go to sleep without letting you know in person that I’m always going to be here for you, Lia.
If you’re bored, lonely… It doesn’t matter.
Being your friend is the greatest honor of my life, and if you ever need someone by your side, I hope you’ll pick me. ”
He’s the most devastating, gut-wrenching part of my existence. I despise myself for walking into that Italian restaurant the first night we met, because now I’m staring at a man I can’t have while knowing no one else will ever be good enough.
“Right. Yeah.” I bob my head. A tear falls down my cheek, and Grant wipes it away with his knuckles. “It is very late.”
“Why the tears?” he murmurs. “What aren’t you telling me?”
I don’t want you to go, but I know you can’t stay. This was only supposed to be a crush, not a full-fledged adoration of another human being. I’ll always pick you.
“It was a long but good day, and I’m tired. I promise I’m okay.” I smile. “Do you want a ride back to your hotel?”
“Nah. I’ll Uber and hope Coach doesn’t catch me breaking curfew.”
“What if he does?”
“I’ll tell him something very important came up.” Grant’s gaze flicks over my face. I wonder how I look through his eyes. “It wouldn’t be a lie.”
“Will you let me know when you’re back?”
“Of course.” Grant pulls me into another hug. He lingers a beat too long before he lets go. “Good night, Lia.”
“Good night, Grant,” I whisper.
He gives me a final look, a drawn-out glance he struggles to break. When he does, he touches his bottom lip with his thumb, a soft laugh filling the space between us.
The sound plays on a loop until I fall asleep, and I hear it again in my dreams.