18. Colette #2
He swerves to the shoulder so fast I grab the dashboard. Khan yowls in protest from the backseat.
I practically leap out, wading through knee-deep snow to the back of the vehicle. Finding my balance, I quickly drop my pants and lean against the fender for support.
"Don't look!" I yell.
"I'm watching for traffic," he calls back, his voice carrying over the wind. "Your dignity is safe with me."
The relief is immediate and glorious. I don't even care about the cold or the ridiculous situation.
"All good?" Hendrix calls out.
"Just... give me a minute." I reach down to pull up my pants, but something's wrong. Very wrong. My bare skin won't budge from the freezing metal fender.
Oh no. No, no, no.
I try to push myself up, but it's like I'm superglued in place. The metal burns cold against my flesh, and panic starts to bubble up in my chest. All I can think about is that scene from A Christmas Story where the kid gets his tongue stuck to the flagpole. Except this is so much worse.
"Um, Hendrix?" My voice comes out squeaky. "We might have a problem."
"What kind of problem?"
"I'm... stuck."
"Stuck how?"
"My... my behind is frozen to your fender."
There's a long pause, followed by, "Your what is what?"
"My... my butt is frozen to your truck."
Silence. Then a snort. Then full-blown laughter.
"This isn't funny!" But I'm fighting giggles myself. "I'm literally freezing my butt off here! I can't move!"
The wind whips around me, and I shiver, trying desperately not to think about how much skin-to-metal contact is currently happening. Or how I'm going to explain this to the emergency services if we have to call them.
"Don't you dare peek!" I warn as I hear his boots crunching in the snow. "Just... help me figure this out."
He rounds the corner, takes one look at me trying to cover myself with my sweater, and doubles over laughing.
I try to maintain some dignity as Hendrix rounds the corner, but it's impossible when you're half-naked and stuck to a truck fender in the middle of nowhere. His eyes meet mine, and he loses it completely, doubling over with uncontrollable laughter.
"This isn't—" I start to scold him, but then the absurdity of the situation hits me. A snort escapes me, then a giggle, and suddenly I'm laughing so hard tears freeze on my cheeks.
"I'm sorry," Hendrix wheezes between fits of laughter. "Though I have to say, you've really made an impression on my truck."
"Oh my goodness, stop." I'm laughing so hard my abs hurt.
He finally catches his breath and straightens up, assessing my predicament with mock seriousness. "Okay, so you're really stuck?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, okay." He tries to compose himself, but his shoulders are still shaking. "We need something hot to melt you free."
"What about the truck's heater? Could we redirect it somehow?"
"Unless you want to rip out my entire heating system, that's not going to work." He scratches his chin, thinking. "I could try breathing on it?"
"Hendrix, focus!" I'm torn between laughing and crying now. "I'm losing feeling in places I'd rather not mention."
"Right, sorry." He pulls off his coat and drapes it around my shoulders, careful to keep his eyes averted. "Let me think. We need something hot..."
The wind whips around us, and I clutch his coat tighter, trying to maintain what little dignity I have left. Khan meows from inside the truck, probably wondering what kind of circus he's gotten himself into.
"Maybe if we—" Hendrix starts.
"If you suggest peeing on it, I will end you."
"I wasn't even thinking that," Hendrix gasps between renewed fits of laughter. "But now that you mention it?—"
"Don't you dare!" But I'm giggling too, despite the freezing wind and my increasingly numb posterior. "This is mortifying enough without you making it worse."
His laughter echoes across the empty landscape as he wipes tears from his eyes. "Hold on, I have an idea."
I watch him trudge through the snow back to the driver's side, still chuckling to himself. He returns with a metal thermos, and relief floods through me.
"You had that this whole time?"
"I grabbed some coffee for the road." He unscrews the cap, steam rising in the frigid air. "It's probably lukewarm by now, but it might work."
"Just pour the coffee already! And don't look!"
"Okay, but... where exactly should I?—"
"Hendrix!"
"Right, right. Eyes closed. Though technically, I should keep them open to aim properly?—"
"I swear I will murder you and hide your body in these woods."
"Sorry, sorry. Okay, here goes nothing."
I feel the first splash of warm coffee and yelp at the sensation. "Warning would have been nice!"
"I literally just said 'here goes nothing.'" He continues pouring, and after a few agonizing seconds, I feel the metal's grip on my skin start to loosen. "Almost there. Just don't move yet."
The coffee does its job, and finally, FINALLY, I'm able to peel myself away from the fender, yanking my pants up so fast I nearly lose my balance in the snow.
"Freedom!" I announce, trying to salvage what's left of my dignity.
Hendrix hoots, throwing a fist in the air.
I smooth down my clothes, trying to regain some composure while avoiding eye contact with Hendrix. My cheeks burn despite the freezing temperature.
"Can we please get back in the truck and never speak of this again?"
"Are you kidding? This is the highlight of my year." Hendrix grins, shaking the empty thermos. "And here I was thinking that instant coffee was completely worthless."
"It was truly awful,” I agree
He helps me wade through the snow back to the passenger door. "Well, it was good for something in the end." He snorts. “Get it? In the end?”
“Har har,” I say sliding into the front seat. "If you tell anyone about this, I swear?—“
He sprints around to the driver's side and shuts us in the warm truck. "Tell everyone about how I saved your… behind?"
"The puns never stop with you, do they?"
"Nope." He starts the engine, cranking up the heat. "And now you owe me a dance at the school’s winter ball."