Chapter 24
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR
The sound stage was bright. Mara always forgot how bright TV studios were.
She had her bronze medal around her neck. Lindsey had the silver around hers.
And Kirby had two bronzes around hers.
Mara felt breathless just thinking about Kirby on that straightaway coming into the stadium during the relay. She’d never looked faster.
When Kirby had crossed the finish line, she’d screamed. A primal, visceral scream that Mara had felt in her bones. Mara wanted a frame of that scream on her wall. She wanted to live in its echo.
Janette Collins shook all their hands before sitting down on the couch opposite them. Her co-anchor, Michael Johnstone, smiled at them. He was a kind and gentle foil to Janette Collins’s sharkiness.
Mara had been interviewed by both over the years. Janette more recently. Michael during the Beijing Olympics.
“This evening, we have the three veteran medalists on the Women’s US Cross-Country Ski Team,” Janette said.
“We spoke yesterday with the whole relay team about their emotional third place finish, but we wanted to highlight the historic nature of these Games by talking to the racers who have the experience to understand its impact.”
Mara smiled like she was supposed to at that. She glanced at Kirby. Lindsey was between them on the couch.
They hadn’t spoken since before the relay. Kirby had mouthed “Thank you” during the celebration after the bronze, but Mara hadn’t gotten close since then.
She’d wanted to. But she also couldn’t imagine putting herself, or Kirby, through that again.
“Were you expecting the US Cross-Country Ski Team to come home with so many medals?” Janette asked. “With the potential for more on the horizon, by the way, with the team sprint and the fifty-kilometer mass start still upcoming.”
Mara didn’t answer, hoping someone else would. Kirby could typically be relied on for that.
“We all want to do our best,” Lindsey said. “And often our best is medal worthy. But things have to align. There are a lot of variables in cross-country skiing.”
It was a perfect, media-trained answer.
“Mara, as the veteran here with the most Olympic starts, and the most lifetime Olympic medals, why do you think these Games have been so special?” Michael asked.
“Kirby will pass me,” Mara said. “On the medal front.”
That didn’t answer the question, and she wasn’t sure why she’d said it.
Both women on the couch looked at her, but Kirby turned away quickly.
“I mean.” Mara’s face got hot. She didn’t know what it was about speaking to the press lately. She just couldn’t say the right thing. “I think she will. Eventually.”
“We have a lot of tenacity,” Lindsey said, taking the focus from Mara. Thank God for friends. “A lot of fight on this team. Mara and Kirby are a great example. They have this rivalry that’s momentous. They push each other to be better.”
Michael asked a few meatball questions about training and teamwork. Lindsey answered the majority of them. Mara added a rote answer here or there. Kirby didn’t say a word.
“KB,” Janette said, her eyes a bit narrow.
It was supposed to be a fluffy interview, but Mara was worried Janette had smelled blood in the water and wouldn’t hesitate to bite.
“You haven’t said much. Are you looking forward to the team sprint?
The unfortunate news dropped today that Brandilyn Rogers won’t be skiing it with you. ”
“Yes. I’m looking forward to it.”
Mara frowned, confused by Kirby’s demeanor. She’d watched every interview Kirby had done since getting bronze in the relay. Kirby had been her usual sly and playful self. It might have been a front, but Mara didn’t think so.
Kirby had moved on, moved past their personal upheaval.
So Mara didn’t understand why Kirby was acting so strange now.
“Do you know yet who will race the team sprint with you?” Michael asked.
Kirby shook her head. “Not yet. The coaches are figuring it out.”
“Well, there are two incredibly fast racers next to you. Could it be either of you ladies?” he asked of Lindsey and Mara.
It was a well-meaning question, but Lindsey wasn’t a sprinter, and Mara had been focusing on distance races for years. She raced sprints on the World Cup circuit, and raced them well, but it wasn’t her priority.
Lindsey laughed. “KB does not want it to be me. We have many, many skiers who are better suited to that event.”
Mara didn’t know what to say. It would be the coaches’ decision, and they would never ask her.
“The US Ski Team likes to focus on the individual needs of racers,” Kirby said.
Her voice was wobbly. “We’re all different.
We have different training needs, off-season needs, and competition needs.
Once in race mode, I get better through the course of competition, with repetitive starts.
If I take breaks that are too long, too many days apart, I lose momentum and that killer instinct, so I prefer to compete in as many events as I can.
I don’t want to speak for Mara, but I think it’s fair to say that she’s different.
She needs different things. She skis better with rest, recovery, and mental and emotional space between events.
Her focus is and should be the fifty-k. I would never want to jeopardize that. ”
It was a decent answer but devoid of the humor and cleverness Kirby was known for. It honestly didn’t sound like her at all.
I would never want to jeopardize that.
It was a loaded response, full of double meaning only Mara and Kirby understood.
And Mara’s first thought, one she didn’t say out loud, wasn’t like her at all either.
Let’s race. I would race with you.
Mara leaned forward so she could better see Kirby on the other side of Lindsey.
Kirby’s hands were clenched in her lap, and her jaw was tight. She swallowed a few times like she had something stuck in her throat.
Mara stood up, and everyone in the studio reacted in surprise. She sat back down.
“Sorry. Can we take a second, please? A break. This isn’t live. Can I have a second? Off the record or whatever,” Mara asked.
The producer off-camera said, “I guess.”
And Mara jumped back up. She went to Kirby, kneeled in front of her, and grabbed her hands. They weren’t cramped up like Mara had expected them to be.
“Are you okay?” Mara asked. She rubbed Kirby’s hands roughly anyway.
“I’m fine.” Kirby glanced around, checking everyone’s reactions. Mara didn’t care about anyone else’s reaction.
“Are you sure? I’ll cause a scene, and we can end the interview if you need me to.”
“You’re causing a scene already, babe,” Kirby said, drollness creeping into her voice.
“You seemed… I thought—”
Kirby almost smiled. “I know what you thought, Mara. I wasn’t having a panic attack.”
Lindsey stood up and moved away, giving them the illusion of space.
“I’m so sorry, Kirby.” Mara squeezed Kirby’s hands.
“About stopping the interview?”
“No. About everything else.”
Kirby pulled her hands slowly out of Mara’s. “Now’s not the best time for apologies.” She looked pointedly at everyone watching them openly.
“I think I’m bad at interviews,” Mara said.
“No shit. But you’re also sometimes really good at them.”
“You might rather have Jordan, but I would race with you. In the team sprint.”
Kirby immediately started shaking her head. “You’re being very fucking weird right now, Mara.”
“So?”
That seemed to throw Kirby. She stared at Mara, her brows furrowed. Mara wasn’t the best at reading people, but Kirby seemed extra inscrutable.
Kirby finally looked over Mara’s head toward the producer and said, “We can keep going.”
Mara couldn’t do anything but sit back down in her seat. But she didn’t want to sit in her seat. She sat in Lindsey’s so she was closer to Kirby.
“So can we ask what that was about?” Janette asked before the cameras were rolling.
Kirby took a shaky breath. “Sure.”
They all got settled again, and Janette immediately jumped into it. “We just took a small break from filming. It seemed as if Mara and KB had something important to discuss and asked to do so off camera. Can you explain what’s going on, Mara?”
Mara ground her teeth together. “No.” It wasn’t her story to tell.
“She thought I was about to have a panic attack. She was checking on me,” Kirby said. “Everyone thinks we hate each other, but Mara actually is a kind person. She’s seen me have one before and thought I was showing similar signs. She was being a good teammate.”
“A panic attack?” Michael said, concern etched on his face. “Have you ever spoken about having panic attacks before?”
“No,” Kirby said uneasily. “I probably should have used my position and celebrity to advocate for mental health causes and stuff but—”
“That’s not your responsibility. It’s okay to just live your journey, Kirby,” Mara said. “It’s no one’s business unless you want it to be.”
“Says the ice princess,” Kirby said wryly.
“Hey.”
“I don’t like to talk about it because I don’t feel like I’ve got a handle on them. Sometimes I’ll go months or even years without one. Sometimes I’ll have a few a week. I had two during pre-Olympic training and one this morning during breakfast in the cafeteria.”
Ah. She hadn’t been about to have an attack. She was coming down from one.
“Does something trigger them?” Janette asked.
Kirby shrugged. “No. I don’t know. Stress.
Bad sleep. Overactive thyroid. Too much coffee.
A combo of multiple factors. I’ve never been able to pinpoint it.
Our sports psych said it could be lots of things, and I’ve got doctors’ appointments scheduled for after the Olympics.
But my mental health is part of my overall health story.
It’s a difficulty we all contend with, and the team does a great job providing resources.
I appreciate Mara being concerned for me and for the chance to explain, but I’m fine. ”
“Thank you for being so open about it, KB,” Michael said.
“Without going too inside baseball, or rather inside cross-country skiing here, I interviewed Mara and KB together during training before they came to Italy,” Janette said.
“It was one of the most interesting and perhaps contentious interviews I’ve ever done.
It hasn’t aired yet, but it will air before the fifty-kilometer race in a few days.
It is a bit shocking to see the difference between how Mara checked on you during this interview and how you two fought during that one. ”
“We’re teammates,” Lindsey said, clearly jumping in and all over the question. Because she was a very, very good teammate. “We’re competitors, and that can get tense, but we also care about each other.”
Kirby’s knee bumped Mara’s on the couch. It might have been unintentional, but it reverberated through her whole body.
“Mara and I are not best friends,” Kirby said.
“I’d say there have been lots of times where we were quite unfriendly even.
Rivals. Enemies. Those instances are well-documented, including in your interview.
But she’s motivating. She pisses me off more than just about anyone in the world, but pursuing her, catching her… in a race… is very motivating.”
An ache of something—aggravation or longing or discomfort—pulsed through Mara’s chest. Her breath sped up, and she had to force herself not to touch Kirby, not to grab her.
“Mara, what do you have to say to that?” Janette asked.
I like being pursued. I like being caught.
“Nothing.”
A laugh snapped out of Kirby, and Mara couldn’t keep her smile in. A real smile, not the media-trained one. Not her podium smile.
“I get the feeling you guys enjoy messing around with each other,” Michael said.
And then Lindsey laughed. And Mara wanted to bury her head in her hands because he really had no idea how apt that statement was.