Chapter 37 Andie
Thirty Seven
Andie
“This went on every day for years until I turned eighteen and got the hell out of their house,” he mutters, eyes glassy.
“Why are you still in touch with them? I remember your father calling you?” I ask on a strangled breath.
“Because no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to cut them out of my life.
I think I still hope that one day they’ll realize their mistakes and love me, be proud of me.
But no, all they’ve ever wanted from me was my money,” he scoffs, shaking his head with a humorless chuckle.
“Though Henry has been quiet for a few weeks now that I have stopped answering his calls.”
“That’s…awful.” I can’t even imagine not only being unloved by your parents but also them being selfish and greedy enough to ask for your money.
I don’t realize I’m crying until he says, “Oh, Rainbow, please don’t waste your precious tears on someone like me.” His shaking hands cup my face, wiping beneath my eyes with the pad of his thumbs.
With a hiccup and racing heart, I turn my body to him, sitting on my knees, Millie hopping down the bed and rushing away as if sensing that we need some time together.
My trembling hand reaches out, seeing his tattoos in a new light. “A…Are these to…”
“To cover my scars, yes,” he admits with a sad smile, caressing my head.
My fingers trace the bumps on his neck, veiled by the tattoos he so gracefully wears. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, biting my quaking lower lip.
“What are you sorry for, baby?” he asks, looking genuinely confused as he searches my eyes.
A tear rolls down my cheek when I blink. “I’m sorry for not seeing how much pain you were in.”
That’s when the first tear slides down his handsome but tortured face as it crumples. And the sight alone pricks my heart like a thousand needles bleeding me to death.
I open my arms, wanting to embrace him and erase all his pain and wounds, and heal his heart. Make him forget every awful thing he’s suffered ever since he was a child.
Noah takes a shaky breath and lets himself fall on my chest, his head right over my heart, that aches for him as intensely as it beats for him.
And for the first time in my life, I see a larger than life man break and cry in my arms, seeking comfort he was denied all his life.
Tremors rack his body in my arms, my hands splayed across his scarred back, each of his wounds a battle scar, telling tales of a fighter that survived the hand in life he’d been dealt.
Noah clings to me with the last of his strength, his silent cries making me murderous, as I weep alongside him, rocking him back and forth as I let him expel everything he has kept bottled up for years.
“I’m right here,” I choke on my words, the agony in his cries tearing me up inside. “Let it all out, let yourself grieve, my love,” I offer him words of comfort. I don’t say it’s okay. What he suffered through was not okay.
It never will be.
But I do know that I’ll be right by his side through it all.
I don’t know how long we stay like that, with him in my arms, seeking the warmth and love he never received.
Soon, his tremors subside, but he retains his hold on me when he speaks again, his voice choppy and raspy, “I’ve often wondered whether anyone would care if one day I left this world.”
His admission hangs in the air between us, sucking the oxygen from my soul. He can’t…He isn’t saying what I think he’s saying, is he?
When I don’t respond, he continues, “I’ve had nightmares all my life.
” I know that, but I don’t say a word, scared of what he might reveal next.
“I’ve woken up so many times with terror coursing through my bones, my body soaked with sweat as breathing became hard.
So many times, I’ve considered not leaving the bed or waking up at all.
Maybe then everyone around me would be better off and happy.
Maybe then my parents would finally be happy. ”
No.
No. No. No.
God, no!
My breathing has stopped, worried that the slightest movement would spook him. I want to look at him, look into his eyes.
He can’t think that.
He can’t do that.
With shaky hands, I cup his face and make him look at me as tears streak down my face. “Listen to me, Noah Miller,” I say on a sniffle, “Don’t you ever say that to me again. There are so many who would be affected by your absence.”
“Who? Certainly not my parents,” he wonders, his tone relaying his disbelief.
“Maybe not them, but I know a few people. Ezra, your friends on the team, Kaeli, the family you made for yourself,” I tell him of everyone I know who cares for him. “Even Millie would miss you now,” I chuckle, but sober up pretty quickly.
He doesn’t say a word, as if willing himself to believe me.
“And me. I would care if you lived or died, Noah,” I choke on his name, finding it unbearable to even think about him lying unconscious. My hand covers my mouth to keep in the whimper that wishes to escape. Right now, he’s important.
So, I clear my throat, reminding myself he’s alright and he’s with me.
He’s alive.
“I would care, Noah. So, no, please don’t ever say or think anything like that. If something happened to you, I’d die,” I say, desperate for him to hear the plea in my words.
Noah cups the back of my neck and presses the softest of kisses on my lips, our tears mingling together, their salty taste exploding on our lips.
He crushes my body against his chest after the kiss, holding me in his arms. “Don’t say that, baby. I’m not worth all that trouble,” he whispers into my hair, his hold on me tightening as if I’ll disappear if he lets go.
Whereas, after what he has revealed, it’s me who’s scared to let him out of my sight.
“You don’t get to decide that,” I mumble on his naked chest, my breath fanning the tiny hair there.
He leans against the headboard with me on top of him as I lay my arms over his abs, seeking comfort in the heat of his body and his heart thudding against my ear.
“Your parents are wrong, by the way,” I voice after a few minutes of silence, interrupting the sounds of our breathing.
“About what?” His hand rubs over my back in a soothing motion—up and down, up and down.
“That nobody would love you.” His hands still, his muscles tightening underneath me.
“I love you, Noah,” I rest my chin on his chest and tilt my head to see him.
I let him see the honesty in my eyes as he peers down at me with his wide green eyes that look scared, hopeful and beautiful all at the same time.
The declaration might not be grand, but it rings true in every cell of my body. And I know Noah needed to hear it, too.
His face scrunches in pain. “I d…don’t know how to love, Andie,” he stutters. And my heart breaks once more for him. I don’t know how much more it can handle.
I cup his cheek, and he instinctively leans into its warmth. “I’ll love you enough for both of us,” I promise on a sad smile, tears unstoppable at this point.
He shakes his head, and my breath ceases, worried that he’ll reject me once again. And I’m not sure if I can handle it this time around, not after I’ve laid myself bare to him.
“Teach me,” he mutters, then turns his head as he presses his lips into my palm.
My breath stutters at his words. “What?”
“Teach me how to love you, baby.”