Chapter 39
Thirty Nine
Noah
I’ve spent my entire life feeling unloved, worthless, and trapped in the walls of my own making.
I never wondered what I had been missing until I had it. And now that I have Andie Moore in my life—the woman who literally breathes oxygen into my lungs—I’m not sure if I can ever let her go.
There goes one more adjective to add to the list: Greedy.
I’m not even ashamed about it. But I am afraid. Afraid of making mistakes and hurting her. Afraid that one day she’ll wake up and realize that she made an error by trusting me, loving me.
Terrified that even though I asked her to teach me how to love her, I’ll fail and let her down in the worst way possible. She has worked so hard on herself to be where she is today—happy and thriving—and I detest the idea of pushing her back into cold days and even colder nights.
That’s one of the many things I talk about during my therapy sessions over the next month, along with my past, my nightmares, and my instincts to not give a damn about my own self.
It’s difficult to open up to a total stranger, especially when I spent every day waking up and wearing a mask, shoving everything so deep inside me so that no one would ever suspect that something was wrong with me.
Now, I’m scared to reach it and open Pandora’s box.
But the look of love when I get back home from those sessions, I get to see on Andie’s face, keeps me going back. “I’m proud of you,” is the first thing she says the second I step inside, kissing me softly with those words on her lips.
I’d crawl through hell on my hands and knees for her to look at me with love gleaming in her ocean eyes.
Every day for the last month, I’ve been trying my level best to learn what love feels like, racking my brain to understand how you know if you love someone. Spending your entire life being rejected, abhorred, and devoid of love does that to you.
I’ve never felt more incapable and hopeless in life than I do when I have to fucking wonder if what I feel for the woman who’s imprinted in my soul is love.
In my desperation to figure out my own fucked up mind, I even asked Ezra how he realized he loved Kaeli one day when we were the last ones left in the locker room.
For a second, he looked at me with eyes that were trying to peep into my soul, and I almost panicked and blurted out about Andie. But luckily, the mention of his fiancée is enough to put the man in a good mood.
“For so long, hockey was my everything, and while I craved someone to go home to every night, I’d never have imagined loving something or someone as much as this sport,” Ezra spoke, a deliberate expression on his face, his eyes unfocused as he thought about his words.
“Then what happened?” I asked, leaning just a little bit closer to understand what changed.
A small smile played on his lips as he answered, “Then it became increasingly difficult to control my rage every time she had tears in her eyes. She’s the only thing I’m thinking about, no matter where I am or what I am doing.”
My brows furrowed, wanting to know more. “So you figured you love her because you wanted to kill anyone who messed with her?”
“Pretty much,” he agreed, shrugging his shoulders. “And mostly because I know I’ll never look at any other woman for as long as I breathe, Noah. She’s it. She always will be.”
Wrapping up the conversation there, we both left for the day. And eventually, Ezra’s words started to make sense.
I relate to every single thing he said he feels. I want to obliterate the world when Andie’s hurt, and there’s nothing I won’t do to see her smile. It has been the case for as long as I can remember.
I’ve never even looked at a woman twice. Then there’s my Andie, the woman I can’t take my eyes off of, even when she should be the last woman I should be pursuing. Nothing in this world can keep me from her, not even my most important friendship—a friendship I’d die for.
But I would lose it in a second if it meant I get to have her for just one more day. And that realization is frightening, not because I’m afraid of love, but because this means that I’ve never not loved her, even when I didn’t know it myself.
She has always been the one flowing through these veins from the moment I saw her for the first time, all those years ago, tagging along into the bar with her brother, hitting me like a freight train right in my solar plexus.
It’s always been her.
What bothers me, though, is that she doesn’t even know this. She doesn’t know that I’ve always loved her. The woman who filled my life with colors, hope, and abundant love doesn’t know she’s the center of my entire fucking universe.
I hate that.
I need to tell her, but at the right time.
Andie Moore doesn’t deserve a dry confession. She deserves something unforgettable. Because that’s what she is—entirely unforgettable.
I’m drying my hair with a towel after the morning shower, wondering what to do to make her feel special, when my phone pings with a notification on the bedside table. Excited, thinking that it’s from her, I rush to pick it up.
My smile falls the second I see Seb’s name gleaming on the screen. My pulse races in panic the second I read the notification.
Rookie added you to a group chat.
Rookie named the group chat ‘Noah’s Hiding Something’
I told him not to say a word about what he saw. If this fucker ever dares to reveal anything about Andie and me before she’s ready, I’ll wring his fucking neck. It hasn’t even been a minute since this thread was created, and my phone goes off like a rocket with incoming texts.
Oliver: What is this about?
Lucas: Tell me now!
Levi: Has he finally confessed he’s bisexual?
Ezra: Just because you’re bisexual doesn’t mean everyone is, Levi! *insert eye roll emoji*
Levi: But where’s the fun in that? *insert smirking emoji*
Oliver: Somebody, please kick this nuisance named Levi out.
Levi: Fuck you!
Ezra: Silence!
Rookie: This is not the locker room, Cap. Calm your tits.
Oliver: Oh, shit!
Lucas: *insert biting my nails GIF*
Levi: May God rest Seb’s soul in peace.
Our rookie has that knack for making people scared for his well-being. Like right now, he’s definitely getting a smack on the back of his head from Ezra the next time they’re in the same room.
The chaos only distracts me from the topic at hand for a minute. The pounding in my chest resumes the second Seb’s text comes through.
Rookie: Let’s not overreact and get to the point. As the name of the chat suggests, our broody goalie is hiding something. Any guesses?
I wish technology had advanced enough for me to hit this son of a bitch right through my phone screen. What is this? A reality TV show where the winner would get millions?
The asshole.
I warned him.
My pulse skitters as the team guesses one by one.
Lucas: He met someone?
Levi: He’s gay?
Oliver: He’s retiring!?
Ezra: Oh, for fuck’s sake! Kids, the lot of you!
Me: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Rookie: Oh, the man of the hour is finally here! Got anything to confess, Daddy?
Me: Yes, to the cops after I kill you for blabbering on about God knows what.
Rookie: Ooooh, touchy, I see.
This kid seriously needs to learn when to shut the fuck up. His big mouth is going to get him in trouble one day.
Levi: Spill it, Rookie! I’m balding at this rate.
Rookie: Our Daddy is really a daddy!
Oliver: WTF!?
Lucas: He’s got a kid!?
Levi: He’s pregnant?
Ezra: Dude, you knocked some chick up and didn’t even tell me!
Me: What!? NO!!
Rookie: Guys, you got it wrong. What I meant was he has a cat. He’s a cat daddy. He always has orange hair all over him.
I huff a shocked laugh. This motherfucker is certifiably crazy. He just about gave me a heart attack and put me in an early grave.
I shake my head, and am about to type out a response correcting him that she’s Andie’s when my fingers freeze. I’d be putting my foot in my mouth if I told them that. The flurry of questions leading to my doom would never cease.
And agreeing to it would be a lie.
I drop on the bed with a sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose at the bubbling headache. We really need to come clean to Ezra before we get caught. It would cause unimaginable damage to our friendship, and it’s too important for me to let it get to that.
* * *
Andie’s head is leaning on my shoulder, her arms entwined around mine, setting my soul on fire and calming it down with her presence all at once.
We’ve been together for months now, from the moment I agreed to help her explore her sexuality. Yet, every day with her feels like a privilege, one that’s fragile and could be stolen from me at any moment.
I’ve discussed my pessimistic thoughts in therapy, and even though I’m well aware that this is just me being paranoid and overwhelmed by the happiness I’m experiencing, there’s still a faint, nagging voice at the back of my skull telling me to be careful and to enjoy these moments while they last.
I’m half convinced that it’s because I’m on edge of Ezra finding out about us before we tell him. It’s obvious that he’ll be furious either way, but maybe if we tell him first, his anger might be reduced by some margin.
At this point, I’m desperate for any silver lining in the dark clouds that seem to be hovering over us.
“Where’d you go?” Andie tugs at my shirt, catching my attention.
“Huh?” I look down at her, bringing my eyes back into focus. “Nowhere, just thinking about what Seb pulled today.” Shaking my head at the thoughts of that sly jerk. He loves to pinch people.
“What did he do?” She asks, her eyes locked on Millie as she saunters ahead of us on the sidewalk, her locks swept by the crisp night wind.
An amused chuckle leaves her mouth when I finish rattling the story, annoyance creeping back in.
“We need to tell him, though,” she sighs, leaning her weight into my body as we walk freely near my place, glad that there aren’t many people milling about. Still, I adjust the bill of my cap, not wanting to get recognized.