Chapter 15 NORA #2
The stoic expression doesn’t waver as he nods slowly. ‘I see.’
Michelle heads into the kitchen and the conversation steers from us momentarily. I’m able to breathe for the first time since I sat down. As usual, my siblings share news of all their accomplishments, and I sit silently, hoping and praying it’s almost time to go home.
When Michelle rounds the corner carrying the first two plates, Kyle gets to his feet and helps her bring the rest out. I’ve attempted to help in the past and was called ‘useless’, so I sit and wait quietly now.
My stomach falls. They’ve cooked a casserole in the sauce I hate.
I can barely tolerate one single bite and they’re very aware of this; apparently it’s become the new dinner they want us to have each time we met up.
We used to always eat something different, so I don’t know why all of a sudden this is the dish that’s being served on repeat.
Michelle meets my eyes and smiles widely, as if reading my thoughts.
‘This looks delicious,’ Zayden says.
My father stands and comes around the table to serve himself.
I place a scoop onto my plate and put the spoon back. Zayden’s brow furrows at the small amount.
‘Is that all you’re going to have?’ he asks.
‘Yeah, I don’t like this sauce,’ I say quietly. ‘I struggle with the spice.’
‘Ah, yes, that is something you will soon learn about my daughter,’ my father interjects, his deep voice drowning out any other conversations that were happening around the table.
‘Fussy eater. Won’t eat this, won’t eat that,’ he screws his face up as he speaks.
‘Doesn’t seem like she has too much trouble eating now.
’ With his free hand, he leans down and pinches the side of my stomach.
I flinch, cheeks burning. I sink low into my seat and beg the ground to swallow me up whole. Zayden’s speechless as he stares at me, his eyes bouncing between us with a horrified expression. I stare down at my plate, unable to meet his gaze.
I feel the sting crawl up the back of my neck, the heat of humiliation blooming behind my ears.
Crossing my arms over my stomach, I wish I could disappear.
I’ve been working so hard on being kinder to myself, building new, healthy habits, trying my hardest to push out his cruel, condescending voice.
I press my fingernails into my palm, focusing on breathing and hoping the redness in my cheeks isn’t as noticeable as it feels.
He always finds a way to make me feel small. Shrink me in a way no one else can.
For a moment, I want to cancel every positive thought I’ve ever had about myself.
I want to give in to the familiar darkness of self-hatred, because at least in there, nothing can catch me off guard.
Instead, I sit up a little straighter, even though my chest feels like it’s caving in, and force a smile onto my face, attempting to remind myself that his thoughts and opinions don’t matter to me anymore. He has no control over me.
Casually, my father continues piling the food onto his plate before returning to his seat. Lindsay has a smug smile on her face as she does the same.
I’m going to get through this dinner, the damn wedding, and then I won’t be attending any more events. I’m going to distance myself, because I just can’t do this. I can’t feel like this all the time. The anxiety of being around them is eating me alive.
Reaching for my glass, there’s a noticeable shake in my hand. I’m always like this around them. A shell of myself.
Zayden is quiet as he stares down at his plate, and I’d love to know what he’s thinking. I’m so embarrassed that my father said and did that in front of him. No one reduces me to my size quite like he does.
‘What do you do?’ Michelle asks after she’s taken her seat. ‘What sort of hobbies do you have?’
‘I do a lot of different things, but mainly I play football.’
Her lips tug downward. ‘Oh, I hate that sport. It’s so violent. I’d rather watch paint dry than watch a game of football.’
Zayden’s fork clunks loudly as it slips from his fingers. He stares at her, gaze unwavering. I’ve lost the ability to feel surprised at this point.
‘Oh, that’s a pity. It’s a great sport. Has a massive community behind it. I personally love it.’
‘Good for you,’ she says in that patronising way of hers.
‘He’s a fantastic player,’ I say, hoping my voice sounds more confident than I feel.
‘Are you the captain?’ my father probes.
‘No, sir. My best friend has that title and rightfully so.’
‘He’s a better player than you?’ he asks, voice as bland as the expression on his face as he spoons a mouthful of the casserole into his mouth.
‘I’d say that everyone brings their own strengths to the team. I don’t think it’s fair to view players as better or worse than others.’
‘That might be why you’re not captain,’ he mutters, but he may as well have shouted it across the table.
Tears burn in my eyes and my throat feels dry. I’ve given up on pushing the food around my plate to pretend I’m doing something with it. This night is going worse than I’d imagined and I already had low expectations for it.
‘Okay,’ Zayden says, lowering his cutlery onto the table.
‘I think we are done here. I was hoping this might be more pleasant than I expected after hearing how you treat Nora, but now that I’m seeing it firsthand and experiencing it myself, I truly believe you don’t deserve to know anything about her life.
I didn’t understand why she kept so much of her success a secret from you, but I get it now.
You’re awful people and she deserves so much better than you. ’
My jaw is on the floor as Zayden gets to his feet. He holds out his hand for me and I take it, my legs feeling wobbly as I stand. We are met with surprised looks, though my father’s expression is unchanged as usual.
‘Her success?’ my father barks, his voice dripping with ice. ‘I’d hardly call an arts degree successful. She hasn’t even completed it.’
‘I’m talking about her writing.’
‘You mean her scribbling in a notebook? Writing poems about her feelings? God help us.’
My face is burning as I watch this escalate, completely out of my control.
‘The fact that you don’t know anything about her is sad.
She’s one of the smartest, most wonderful women I’ve ever met and the fact that you don’t care to get to know her is your loss, not hers.
If you call her being number one on The New York Times Best Seller List, translations across twenty languages, film productions in the works, earning her enough money to comfortably live for the rest of her life simply scribbling in a notebook about her feelings, then sure.
Undermine her success all you want. I’d think you’d be proud of all that she’s achieved, given she has done it completely on her own. ’
Silence falls like a dropped plate. My father shifts in his seat.
His expression warps, caught between confusion and irritation, as if he’s not used to being challenged, especially not like this, while also appearing completely blindsided by this information.
Michelle tilts her head, as if she’s trying to compute what she’s just heard, looking comically shocked with her slow blinks and wide eyes.
Lindsay’s brows knit together as she glances around the table, possibly wondering if this is news to anyone else, and Kyle raises a brow.
I can’t tell if he looks amused, impressed or shocked. Possibly all three.
I look around the table. At the people who have made me feel small for most of my life.
Who dismissed every achievement before they even knew what it was.
Who wrote me off, not because of who I am, but because I refused to become them.
At first, I didn’t want them to know anything about me, but seeing their shocked expressions is way more satisfying than I expected.
My skin is bleached white as time around me moves in slow motion. I let Zayden pull me towards the door, where the fresh air from outside seems to revive me and I begin to process the last few minutes. Zayden’s hands are shaking as he slides behind the wheel. He exhales heavily, starting the car.
‘Sorry, I couldn’t sit there for another minute,’ he says through clenched teeth, jaw flexing. ‘All of that wasn’t my secret to share. I’m really sorry I let my emotions get the best of me and took that right from you.’
I place my hand on his arm and he glances at me, looking far more pissed off than I expected him to.
‘No one has ever stood up for me like that. No one has ever cared. What you just did there means more to me than you could ever know.’
His face softens as his eyes scan mine. His playlist plays softly in the background and the red lights of the dashboard light up his handsome face as he shakes his head.
‘I’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with that,’ he murmurs, threading his fingers through mine. They’re big, warm and perfectly enclose mine.
‘Thank you for standing up for me. I can never do it for myself when I’m with them.’
‘I feel like I could have said and done more, but I didn’t know how far to take it.’
‘It was perfect. Thank you.’
‘I might be uninvited to the wedding,’ he chuckles.
‘Don’t worry, I won’t lose sleep over being dismissed,’ I smile. ‘Knowing them, they’d still expect me to turn up with a smile. They care about image, and people might talk if Wayne’s daughter doesn’t attend.’
‘Sounds like their problem.’
‘Exactly.’
My family don’t care about what I have to say. But Zayden does, and that’s something really special to me.
‘I’m still amped up from dinner,’ he says, shifting the gearstick and reversing out onto the road. ‘We gotta do it.’
‘Do what?’ I ask, side-eyeing him in curiosity.
‘Go for a ride.’