2. Stella
Chapter 2
Stella
“Stel, I know this might be hard to swallow and all, but?—”
“Stop!” I barked. I needed a minute, but Shelby, like the rest of these heifers, just kept trying to get me to hear her. I’d fucking heard her. Loud and fucking clear.
I needed air.
I needed—I tried my best to just tune her ass out.
I’d heard her…correctly. Right?
Had I really, though? ’Cause what I’d heard and what she’d said had to be two different things. Maybe! This could be my ears not hearing correctly. Had I hit my head and not remembered it? Or was I stuck in one of those bad dreams that make your worst nightmare come to life?
A bad dream! Yes!
Sweet heavens above. What had I done to deserve this? Was I being punished for some misdeed I didn’t remember doing? Was I destined to be locked in a padded room for losing my ever-loving mind?
I could do nothing but blink at the small strip of paper and the little white square of plastic in Shelby’s hand. I’d come in with an upset stomach and heartburn from hell. I was thinking the chili we’d eaten at the roadside cafe on the way back from Shreveport the night before last had been bad, not this horse shit.
“Stel, did you hear me?” Shelby stood before me.
Blink.
Blink.
Blink.
This wasn’t possible. It had to be a false test. Or better yet, she was playing some horrible trick on me. That was it! These heifers always threatened me with the ‘just wait, you’ll see what it’s like one day’ pregnant woman grumblings.
God, at this moment, I hated them all. I slid from the exam table and made my way toward the door. I wasn’t doing this. “Shelby McKenna, I never thought you’d stoop so low. This is beyond cruel!” I snapped, my anger growing with each second. My mind was telling me this was a joke, but in my heart, I knew it was true. I just couldn’t handle this.
“Stella! Wait!” Shelby grabbed my arm and hauled me back into the room. I pulled free of her grip and rounded on her.
“How could you!”
“It’s not some cruel joke, you psycho!” She shook her head and took my hand in hers. “I’d never do such a thing. Believe me when I tell you, these tests are accurate.”
“No! It can’t be. I was just checked. I had a new IUD put in a few months ago. I can’t get pregnant with that in me!”
“Stel, sweetheart, listen. You could if the IUD is not working properly. We need to make an appointment and have you go in and have it removed.”
“I can’t do this. I just can’t.”
“Hey, listen to me. You can. You’re not alone. We’ll all be here for you. And for Trace. This is going to be a huge adjustment for you both.”
“You don’t understand, I don’t want to have kids. I can’t do it.” She looked me in the eyes and after a moment, her gaze softened. “I can’t do it!” I repeated; this time my voice sounded broken even to my ears.
“Stel,” she tightened her grip on my hand, “Women have babies everyday?—”
“I know that!” I snarled, trying to pull my hand free of hers. Shelby just tightened her grip and moved closer.
“They have happy, healthy babies. Some have babies that are born differently. Some have health problems, but some of them will grow up to be doctors, lawyers, and bounty hunters. You think I wasn’t scared each time I found out I was pregnant? I’m an OBGYN, Stel…I know what can go wrong. I know the statistics of this happening and that happening. They were truly the scariest moments of my life. Each time it happened I had the same panicked reaction. Scarier than my father coming after me. But you know what beats all that? Knowing that Charlie and I made a sweet little baby. A little piece of us both to carry on our legacy. The happiness your child will bring you will outweigh the worry and unease. You just have to give it time.”
I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears. The sob that broke free scared me. My body shook as her arms went around, encasing me.
“Oh, Stel, it’s going to be alright. I promise. We will get through this. You’re not alone.”
I pulled back from her, taking a deep breath and shaking my head again. She didn’t get it. No one could possibly understand what was happening to me right now. No one.
I pushed away from her, wiped my eyes, and hurried from the exam room. I needed to—God, I didn’t even know what to do.
Did I keep it? Could I trust myself to go through with this…could I have a baby? Would I even survive being pregnant?
With that question rolling through my head, I climbed into my truck, started the engine, and sat; my mind was all over the place. A child—pregnancy—means so many unknowns. I wouldn’t be able to work a bounty with the guys. A pregnant bounty hunter…Jesus! I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I wasn’t like Shelby or any of the others. I couldn’t do all of what they did and raise a kid.
Though, hadn’t I already? Carter had turned out pretty good, I guess. He was alive, had all of his limbs, fingers, toes…his own teeth, so I could take that as a win.
I was only twelve when he was born. Dad was busy working, and the jerks were all off in school or working themselves, so it was just me and Carter most of the time.
I wiped my eyes again and put the truck in gear. I needed to clear my head and truly think about this. I wasn’t one to just go with the flow, nor did I want to do something just because everyone else expected me to.
This was my body, my choice, right? If I really was pregnant, and I had a feeling Shelby was right. I didn’t think she would actually pull a trick this cruel on me or anyone else. The look of pain that had crossed her features when I’d thought she was joking cut deep. She had never lied to me before.
That was a truth I could grab hold of.
There was more to consider here. Could I take this away from Trace? Would he forgive me if I did? I wasn’t about to try and keep a secret like this from him, but on the other hand, I wasn’t sure I was mentally ready for such a commitment. What if something happened to me? What if…what if I died? Mama had. If I died, I’d leave my baby and the man I love alone. They’d have no one to take care of them. Would that be fair to either of them? It wasn’t fair to us when Mama died. She was taken away so quickly with no warning. Not only from me, Daddy, and the older boys, but from Carter. He didn’t get to have a real mother.
I had been driving on automatic pilot, not really sure of where I was going until I pulled into the old cemetery. The tears started again. I drove up the path and stopped at the small plot of headstones in the back corner. I hopped down from the truck and ambled over to the seating area that sat before my mama’s marker in our family plot. The tears I’d been fighting to hold back fell harder as I flopped down on the metal and wood bench.
Sobbing, I pulled my feet up and wrapped my arms around my legs, cocooning myself and muffling my cries. I felt like I was in a lose-lose situation. If I kept the baby and something went wrong, or something happened to me—I didn’t want to leave Trace and my family. I didn’t know if I could handle something being wrong with the baby. I saw the hurt and pain Lori had at losing her daughter, and then there was Katie. Her daughter had a heart condition that, thanks to surgery, was better, but look at the years of hurt and pain she’d had to endure before that happened. Not to mention that sweet little girl’s pain.
I was not strong enough to handle something like that.
My gut started to churn.
“Mama…” I choked out. I turned to lean my cheek against my knee and let out a shaky breath. “What do I do? Please, I can’t do this without you.”
I let the tears wash out my vision until I saw nothing but blurs moving before me. Then my anger started to churn. and I lost what little sanity I had.
“You should be here for this! You should’ve been here for it all!” I stood, my anger—my defense mechanism—bringing me back to myself. “You left us! You left me! Why? What in the hell was wrong with me that you had to leave? I needed you, Mama. I fucking need you now, and you’re not here!”
I fell to my knees before her headstone, my hands going out to either side of the image embedded in the marble. Her bright smile and fiery red hair gleamed back at me. It made my heart hurt even more. She’d been taken from me…from us while giving birth to Carter.
What if that happened to me?
That question kept rolling around in my head.
I sat there, my knees pressing into the wet grass. My pant legs getting wetter by the second—I was sure my boots were digging into the grass, but I didn’t care. I wanted answers that I’d never be able to get from her. She was gone. My world hasn’t been the same since that day.
I loved Carter, more than anything, but right now, I wasn’t sure I understood why.
I didn’t understand any of it.
Getting to my feet, I looked back down at Mama’s headstone and let my fingers run across the indented letters.
Grace Elizabeth Malone
B. 1960 D. 1996
Beloved Mother & Wife
“Why, Mama? Why did you have to leave us?” I watched as her name became blurry once again with the tears filling my eyes. With a deep sigh, I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, stood, and walked away. My heart was aching, stomach churning, and worry was holding me so tight I was choking.
This was a bunch of bullshit.
I climbed back into my truck and looked around. My cell was ringing. Where was it? I patted my pockets, ran my hand along the seat, and looked under the seats. There it was on the floor pad of the passenger seat. How it had gotten there, no one knew.
Shelby’s name was on the screen, so I ignored the call, started my truck, and put it in drive. I had to clear my head before I got to the bar. I was meeting Trace and Chip there to discuss a case I’d probably be off the second the words ‘I’m pregnant’ fell from my lips.
A long, heavy sigh left me as I turned from the cemetery and headed back toward town. My eyes were puffy, my stomach hurt, and I was feeling…utterly lost. That changed, though. Something happened when I pulled into the parking lot at the bar.
I think I became possessed by the Hounds of Hell—or better yet, the sanity that I held onto like a whisper in the dark finally took a long overdue hike.
At the sight of Trace’s truck, my stomach flipped. He’d done this to me. He’d made me…pregnant. His sperm. That grubby bastard was the reason I was going to get fat, irritable, and completely miserable. I was probably going to die while pushing out his spawn!
I parked my truck, opened the back door, pulled Louie out, and stalked over to his monster of a truck. This asshole was going to ruin my lady bits and give me stretch marks! If I survived this thing, the bastard was going to pay. I swung as hard as I could when I got close enough to knock the mirror from the passenger side of his truck.
“You stupid son of a bitch!” I screamed as I smashed one light, making sure to break it completely. The grill was next. The crunch of my bat against the thick plastic was deeply satisfying to my soul. I slammed the bat down across the hood, the metal fighting back but inevitably denting. I screamed again as I swung Louie around and brought it down on the hood before aiming for my next target.
My heart was pounding as I stalked around, pacing as I tightened my grip on my bat. Each hit put another dent in my soul. I didn’t know how to control the rage and panic billowing up inside of me. It was an active volcano with no off-switch. I knew this would hurt him, make him upset. I wanted to show him what I was feeling. Maybe that wasn’t fair, but it was how it was going to be.
I flipped the bat in my grip, swung, and took out the other headlight. The white and red plastic fell to the ground in pieces. Those pieces ground under my boots as I made my way around, smashing the bat against the windows. The damn safety glass didn’t shatter like I wanted it to. It cracked though, spider-webbing.
“You did this! You son of a bitch!” I pushed at it with my hand. When that didn’t work, I put my fist through it, opening the hole even more. The next one did the same. The damn glass finally crumbled into a million pieces, falling onto the ground and into the truck.
“This is all your fault! I was protected! You bastard!” Glass crunched under my boots as I moved to the back of the truck, swinging, smashing the tail light. Broken plastic fell to the asphalt. My stomach churned, but I kept going. The last light cover cracked, falling to the parking lot. My bat cracked with the impact. I felt the handle press back and bite into my hand.
I ignored the pain and moved to the driver’s side of the truck. The windows taunted me. I pulled back, readied myself, and swung as hard as I could, over and over until the glass started to crumple into a pile in the window frame and on the ground. I was breathing hard. My chest pounded, aching with the exertion I’d used to destroy his truck.
A sob broke free as I swung, breaking the last of the glass free of the window.
“Stella Grace! What the fuck are you doing?” I turned, glaring at the big asshole stalking my way.
“Don’t you snarl at me, Tracey Everette Daniels!” The look he gave me was one of pure rage.
Fine! This was his fault anyway, guess he was going to be next!