60. Rhys
RHYS
The wind whirled around, chilling me to the bone as I stared up at the night sky. Firelight Nocturnae weren’t meant for the cold. Our bodies ran hotter than other Nocturnae, and cooler temperatures could be downright painful. But I deserved every ounce of agony headed my way.
My earlier words played over and over in my head. “You might make me want to fuck you, Rae. But I’ll just hate you all the more for it. And I will never love you.”
I was a cruel fucking asshole. I’d always known I had that in me. But Rae? She could bring it out like no other.
I pinched the bridge of my nose where a headache was forming.
“You need to eat.”
I fought the urge to whirl at the sound of Pax’s voice. I should’ve heard him coming a mile away. Should’ve scented him. But I hadn’t. My mind was too screwed up over Rae, and that was a problem in more ways than one.
My people needed me. After the demon attacks here and in Firelight, I knew something was brewing. They were clearly getting information from someone—someone who had intel on where Rae was.
I was fighting a losing battle, trying to protect my people and Rae. I feared there was no way to protect both.
“I’m fine,” I gritted out.
“You’re not.” Pax shoved a bag of blood into my hands.
My gaze dipped, and I read elk on the label. “It’s gamey.”
“Better than you passing out on us and being of no use to anyone.”
I sent a glare in my best friend’s direction. “You really think me that weak?”
“I think you’re that starving.”
Moving in a flash, I sank my fangs into the bag of animal blood. It tasted wrong in every way, especially with the scent of Rae still living in my system. Jasmine. Black currant. Life. I swore I could taste her on my tongue. That was how close I’d come to kissing her.
Black currant, jasmine, and something I couldn’t yet identify.
But I would.
Because I knew now. There was no doubt in my mind that I’d have Soraya. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. The same way she wouldn’t. We would both hate ourselves afterward, but the chips were already falling.
When I finished downing the bagged blood, I tossed the container into the air and engulfed it in flame.
Pax handed me a bottle of water. “Such a drama king.”
I gulped some down and then swirled a bit around in my mouth, spitting into the snow and turning the white pink. “I think I’m allowed, given all that’s going on.”
He studied my face for a moment. “What happened?”
“The attacks here and in Firelight aren’t enough? Ayden demanding to send out raiding parties into the Dark Lands?”
Pax didn’t look away. “I know you.”
He did. Better than anyone else. “I almost kissed Soraya.”
He let out a low whistle. “No wonder you’re in a particularly foul mood.”
“Then I told her I’d fuck her, but it would only make me hate her more, and I’d never love her.”
Silence reigned as I let those words hang, the cruel shame carving itself into my bones. I wasn’t sure what I expected from Pax. A guilt trip? A heart-to-heart?
What I didn’t expect was for him to haul off and sucker punch me in the jaw. I could’ve stopped him. He’d telegraphed his move. Maybe because of his shock. But I let his fist connect with my jaw in a brutal blow.
The bone cracked. I heard it. Felt it. White-hot pain arced through my face. But I let it come. Because I deserved that, too.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Pax snarled.
I worked my jaw back and forth, unable to speak quite yet as the bone knitted back together.
“She’s a good person,” he went on, fury and disgust radiating through every word.
“She didn’t get to choose who her father is or what magical lineage she came from.
But she is good. She is kind. And she sure as hell doesn’t deserve you pulling her into whatever fucked-up shit is going on in your head. ”
He was right. About all of it. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from hating her. And it was only made worse by the fact that I was starting to like her, even admire her—the way she hit the training gym every day from morning till night, trying to get stronger. Trying to understand her magic.
“I can’t stop,” I gritted out. “She’s part of a family—a group of people—who only want to take, take, take. Who don’t care who they hurt in the pursuit of power. Even innocents.”
Pax stared at me, disbelief in his green gaze. “She’s innocent. And what sort of hypocrite does that make you? Because you’re crushing her. You’re no better than Mikel Morningstar.”
And with that death blow, Pax stormed off.
I stared after him, shock and horror racing through me in equal measure. Because he was right. Rae was an innocent. And even if I would never stop hating her father or her people, she didn’t deserve that.
“Fuck.” I spat into the snow, blackish blood from my healing injury spraying across the blanket of white at my feet. It tainted the peaceful scene just like I infected everything.
Stalking back inside, I started down the hallway. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I was nearly to the gym doors.
Following Rae’s scent.
For what purpose? To let her pull my still-beating heart from my chest? Even that didn’t feel like atonement enough.
Still, I pushed on. I opened the gym door before my senses could warn me of the danger inside.
I froze. There she was. My temptress and torturer. She was pinned to the wall as Kian drove into her time after time. But I couldn’t see him. I could only see Rae, her head thrown back in ecstasy as she took him.
She was free. Completely uninhibited. Wild. Trusting him to have her, to care for her. Giving herself freely.
Everything she wasn’t around me.
Gray eyes gone silver collided with mine. So much passed in that single moment. Emotions warred on her face. But seeing what she could be? It killed worse than any blow I’d ever received.
And I deserved that, too.
So I did what I did best. I turned on my heel and left.