67. Rae
RAE
We sat huddled around a fire in the massive hearth of some great hall.
I couldn’t help looking around, trying to make sense of the oddities of the space.
Worn furniture was clustered around the hearth, now filled by a tense-looking Rhys and Nyx, a stoic Kian and Kyrie—Kian having retrieved her from our new friends—and a quiet Torrin, who still hadn’t let go of me.
Pax and Rayne had hunted some things for Kyrie and me for dinner and spread them out in a picnic of sorts as Bandit grabbed a piece of meat, swallowing it without chewing.
Odin eyed her, seeming to wonder if he could get away with the same thing.
But my focus was still on the space. There were more names scrawled over the walls in here, and the castle was falling apart in places, with crumbling rock and drafty windows.
I tried to twist on Torrin’s lap so I could see his face. “You live here all alone?”
He nodded slowly, then cleared his throat. “Yes.” The single word was rusty, as if barbed wire had raked his throat.
My hand curved around his massive one. “I’m sorry you’ve been alone. But you’re not anymore.”
Torrin studied me for a long moment, shifted slightly as though uncomfortable with the idea, and then nuzzled my neck. “You need to eat.”
Keeping hold of me, he bent to grab some apple slices and what looked like chicken. “Eat,” he commanded.
I tried not to smile, but I bit into the apple. “Eating. See?”
He nodded gruffly.
“I’ve got tonic for everyone,” Rayne said as he moved around the circle with a pitcher. “I’d say we all need it.”
“I need some fuckin’ whiskey,” Rhys muttered.
Kian made a sound of agreement. It was the first time I’d seen Kian agree with anything Rhys said. Kian had been distant since he’d arrived and was the first to volunteer to get Kyrie, as though he couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
I just didn’t know why.
Torrin nudged my arm, and I understood what he wanted. I popped the chicken into my mouth, chewing and then swallowing. “Happy?”
His mouth curved, and he nodded.
I started to stand, but Torrin gripped me harder. I squeezed his forearms. “I’ll be right back. I promise.”
He didn’t let go right away but slowly loosened his hold on me until I was able to extricate myself. This had happened about four other times since my arrival. Each time, he let go of me a little more quickly, as if I were proving to him that I would, in fact, return.
I gave his arms one more squeeze and started for the hallway that I knew housed a bathroom. I heard footsteps behind me, but I already knew who it was, so I didn’t turn. “I’m just going to pee, Pax. Is that allowed?”
“Just be glad they aren’t making me follow you into the bathroom,” he shot back.
I did look over my shoulder then. “You try to do that, and I’ll zap your ass so fast…. Remember the hole I put in the gym floor?”
Pax barked out a laugh but sobered. “I’m sorry all of this is happening. I promise we’re gonna figure it out.”
Pressure built behind my eyes. “Thank you. For everything. You had to put your life on hold to make sure I was safe.”
Pax shrugged. “I’d do it again. You might not believe me, but you were a friend when I really needed one.”
I did believe him. As complicated as our friendship had become, I believed him. “And you were way more than the bodyguard you were hired to be. You were the friend I needed, too.”
His mouth curved. “I think you might become a good bodyguard with all that firepower you’ve been hiding.”
I let out a soft scoff and slipped into the bathroom. After I’d relieved myself and washed my hands, I stayed at the sink for a moment longer, staring at my reflection. I looked…different.
My face was windburned, my cheeks rosy and a little raw. My gray eyes were brighter somehow—not sparking from magic but more full of life. My hair was a tangle, even with the braid trying to keep it contained. I felt…wilder, stronger, and I was proud of myself.
It was only the beginning of my journey, but I wouldn’t simply let that journey happen to me. I was going to take control.
Rolling back my shoulders, I exited the bathroom and came face-to-face with six feet six inches of grumpy, scowly Rhys.
I didn’t say anything, and neither did he. We simply stood there in a silent impasse for at least a minute.
Finally, I sighed. “What do you want, Rhys? To tell me again how I’m ruining your life? How much wanting me makes you hate yourself?”
“It does.” He spoke the words through a clenched jaw, his teeth mashed together.
“Awesome. Thanks for that, you grade-A prick. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are people who want to spend time with me.” I started down the hallway.
“I’m sorry.” His voice wasn’t loud, but it wasn’t soft either. It sounded pained.
I stopped in the middle of the hall but didn’t turn around.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “You don’t deserve this.
You don’t deserve me. You’re innocent in this, and I’ve treated you like you were the aggressor.
But I…” His voice seemed to catch. “I do hate myself for wanting you. It feels like a betrayal to my father and my sister, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to reconcile that.
But I promise you, from this moment on, I won’t take that out on you. ”
I wanted to turn around, to see Rhys, but I couldn’t.
Because it hurt too much. Because I knew he was speaking the truth.
It wasn’t cantankerous attitudes, rude comments, or cruel coldness.
It was the absolute brutal truth. Because even if I could somehow make Rhys love me, it would mean killing a part of him. And how could I ever want that?
So I didn’t turn around. Instead, I simply forced out a single strangled word: “Okay.”
And then I kept pushing on. Because it was the only thing I could do.
I forced my feet forward, my boots striking the stone floor beneath my feet.
It was only when I was almost to the great hall that I saw Kian.
He was housed in shadow at the edge of a doorway, his hand curved around a glass.
He lifted it to his lips, swallowing down a healthy slug of an amber liquid.
He turned at the sound of my footsteps, but he made no move to cross to me. His violet eyes swept over my face, and I knew he registered the pain there. Still, he didn’t come to me.
“What did I do?” I croaked. Because I knew it was something. He was angry at some supposed transgression, but I couldn’t think of what it could be.
His long, tattooed fingers tightened on the glass. “You didn’t come to me.”
“What?” Confusion swept through me.
“You ran from me,” he rasped.
Shock hit me hard and fast. “I didn’t.”
“You did,” he ground out. “You ran. Could’ve gotten yourself killed. But worse, you didn’t trust me to have your back.”
“Kian—”
“Don’t.” He shook his head. “Just don’t.”
And with that, he stalked out into the night.
Pain swirled inside me. I’d found my fourth, but I’d lost the others along the way. Not that I’d ever really had them. But I’d at least had the idea of them.
Now? I only had the shattered pieces of the destruction I’d wrought. Ones I’d have to try to put back together again.
I sucked in a breath and, again, forced myself to keep moving. I went back to the couch and sat next to Torrin. He instantly wrapped an arm around me. I tried to smile, but I knew Kyrie saw through it when she mouthed, Are you okay?
I nodded and picked up the tonic, drinking deeply. I forced myself to eat a little bit more and not look at Rhys or Kian when they returned. I stayed focused only on what was right in front of me.
It wasn’t long before sleep tugged at me. And as I curled into the arm of the couch, I let the fire fill me with a false sense of warmth that I wasn’t sure I’d ever truly have. Then, sleep took me under.
I wasn’t sure how long I was out, but I had the sense of being jostled. I let out a grumble.
“Shit. She’s waking up,” someone said.
I tried to blink against the dark. “Wha—?” I slurred.
A face blurred in front of me, familiar somehow but also not. “I’m sorry.”
There was a pinch in my neck, and then the darkness claimed me again.
Rae's story continues in Throne of Traitors and Thorns!