Chapter 29 #2
“I was… I was afraid. I should have done something, and I am sorry, Vyr. I am so sorry.” I did not have the courage to reach for her, to beg her to stay when her sombre eyes blazed with wrath.
“I should have gone for the guards. I should have done something. I should not have hidden there and done nothing. I could have done something. Know that this… my failure haunts me. I relive it and I deserve to relive it. I am sorry.”
She shook her head, her cheeks mottled with pink as she squeezed her glass so hard I feared it would shatter.
I summoned my magic, stealing the glass from her so she could not accidentally hurt herself.
Or throw it at me.
“How could you?” she bit out and the shadows grew restless around her.
“I failed them. I know I failed them. I failed you,” I whispered.
Her fall of onyx hair caught on her shoulders as she shook her head and came at me, shoving her palms against my chest and knocking me back with the force of her blows.
Let her strike me.
I deserved her wrath.
“I am sorry. I am sorry I let that happen to them,” I murmured and did not fight her as she battered me, her fingers curling into fists that she rained down on my chest as tears spilled down her cheeks.
That fracture in my heart split wider, and I could not stop myself from wildly grasping her wrists, holding them so tightly I feared I would hurt her as tears burned my eyes and I husked, “Do not leave me, Vyr. I know I failed you all… but please… do not leave me.”
Her eyes widened.
“Leave you?” She shoved me backwards with such venom that my back met the wall as she bit out, “Leave you? You think I would leave you?”
I sagged into the wall, needing it for support as the words leaked from me, filled with that same desperation that rioted within me and demanded I take hold of her again, that I bind her with steel so she could not leave.
“Because I am wretched. I am weak. Because I should have done something. Because I know you are angry with me for failing you. For failing them. For not being stronger… or braver… or everything I should have been.”
“Not that.” She shook her head as she rounded on me, as she struck my chest again, hitting it so hard I could barely breathe.
Or perhaps it was the thought that any moment now she would walk out of that door and I would never see her again, as I deserved.
She thumped me hard, her face crumpling with frustration before she stormed away from me again.
“Not that! How could you keep this from me?”
“I regret keeping it from you, I swear that I do.” I pushed away from the wall, risking moving within striking distance again. If she hit me, so be it. “I should have told you sooner that I was there… that I saw it all and did nothing.”
“That is not what I meant!” she barked and her face twisted, making her look as if she could not decide between striking me or throwing her hands up in the air as frustration rolled off her.
Her fingers flexed as she raised her hands, and then let them drop again, resignation coating her voice along with sorrow.
With a bitterness I felt as a thousand tiny daggers in my chest as she slowly shook her head and said, “How could you carry this guilt all this time and not share the burden with me? How could you allow yourself to suffer rather than allow me to tell you that it was not your fault our parents died? If I am angry with you, Kaeleron, it is because you did not trust me with your pain and you have suffered alone all this time. I cannot change the past, but goddess, I wish you had told me.”
It was a relief to hear that, a weight lifted from my shoulders and heart that left me feeling unsteady without it pressing down on me, but it was sheer torture at the same time.
I had kept it from her so she would not leave me, and so I would not hurt her with the knowledge that I had done nothing.
I had thought I was protecting her, but perhaps I had been selfishly protecting myself, afraid of how she would look at me and no longer see a brother she loved, but one she despised, and in doing so I had gravely wounded her.
She pivoted away from me and then spun back to face me.
“The nightmares. You said you relive it. All those nightmares. All those centuries of nightmares. Not once did you tell me.” Her glare was pure accusation and I did not deny that she spoke the truth.
I did relive that night in my sleep. I relived my failure.
She shook her head, lips flattening for a moment as more tears trembled on her lashes, and then she croaked, “Not once did you trust me to carry this burden with you.”
She stormed to the silver tray of glasses and poured herself another drink.
No, she poured two drinks.
I stared at her, unable to believe what I was seeing as she brought one to me and pressed it into my hand, curling my limp fingers around it.
“If you had, I would have told you that you were not to blame. I am still mad at you.” She lifted her own drink to her lips and glowered at me, making that very clear. She was angry with me, but not for the reason I had expected.
She was angry because I had hurt her by keeping the truth from her.
“I wish you had told me,” she whispered into her drink, gaze solemn as she stared at the amber liquid, and then her shoulders heaved as she sighed and lifted her head, her gaze locking with mine.
“I am sorry. I believed it was my burden to bear alone and that if I had told you…” I had never seen my sister so dark as she was when her eyes narrowed on me, making my words wither under her glare.
“If you had told me,” she prompted. “If you had told me…”
I braced again, deeply aware she would not take this well. “I thought you would hate me for being so weak, for letting our parents die.”
“Goddess! Kael, you did not let our parents die. I would not have hated you if you had told me, but I hate you a little for not telling me… not sharing this with me when we have always been in this together.” She paced away from me, shadows trailing after her, and drained her glass before refilling it with one of the decanters on the sideboard.
I opened my mouth to speak when she turned back towards me and she held up a single finger, her stern look silencing me.
My sister had been born to be a queen.
Even I could not dare to overrule her.
“You never allowed our parents to die.” She nursed her glass as she paced back towards me, frowning as she shook her head, her sincere gaze holding a wealth of love that I still felt I did not deserve.
“You were not responsible for what happened. You were a boy. A child whose powers had been far from fully manifested. You did as our mother wanted, and I am glad you followed her orders and obeyed her.”
She halted before me and laid her hand on my arm, her brow furrowing as she gazed up at me.
“If you had not, I would have been without any family, and that is something I do not want to imagine. I never want to be without you, Kael.” She lifted her hand to my face, cupping my cheek, stroking the wetness from beneath my eye with her thumb.
“I am glad you listened to her, that you survived and are with me now. I could not have gone on without you. It would have been unbearable.”
I nodded and clasped her nape with my palm, lowering my head so our brows touched as I whispered, “I am glad you survived too. I could not have gone on without you. It would have been the end of me.”
“It was not your fault,” she murmured, her hand slipping to my chest, coming to rest over my thundering heart. “It was not your fault.”
Her words were a balm, easing that heaviness within me, repairing that fracture in my heart as they lifted the darkness from my soul.
She surprised me by wrapping her arms around my waist, locking them at the base of my spine as her head came to rest on my shoulder.
I hesitated, startled by her embrace, and then sank into it, wrapping her in my arms and holding her close to me, surrendering to her silent demand.
I was certain she had never hugged me before, at least not since we had become adults and not like this.
She had always remained at a certain distance from me.
Or perhaps I had remained at a distance from her and that is why she had never embraced me like this.
My eyes slipped shut as I rested my cheek on top of her head.
“Forgive me?” I whispered, so much hinging on those two words and that question that felt as if it might slay me if she denied me.
“There is nothing to forgive,” she murmured against my chest. “You are not to blame… well… perhaps you are to blame for being a stubborn, foolish idiot.”
“It will do, I suppose.” I smiled against her hair.
I was still not sure I deserved any form of forgiveness from her, but my heart felt a little lighter for telling her.
And I felt as if I had taken a step towards forgiving myself.
A step back towards that male I had been all those centuries ago, before I had let my hunger for vengeance consume me. The male Vyr could still see in me.
The one Saphira had brought up to the surface for me to see too.