Chapter 30
CHAPTER 30
Pilar
Ben had sent me flowers along with an apology letter when he found out that Kayla was responsible for slashing my tires. I heard he sent Aramis a ridiculously expensive bottle of scotch. I could only imagine how horrified he felt about the entire thing, even though it was not his fault.
It had been one week since I’d seen or heard from Ben, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. It wasn’t just sadness, it was despondence. I’d had a boyfriend for years before Ben, and I didn’t feel this way when we broke up. These days, I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. It took me three days to continue business as usual. I went to London with my mother and was currently helping Adeline put together a dinner party for Parliament.
“You realize you can hire someone to do this, right?” I asked for the third time since making our way around the flower shop.
“Obviously, Pilar. My mother owns an event planning business. I just want to make sure my vision is executed correctly.”
“And you don’t trust your mother to do that?”
She shot me a look. “I didn’t say that.”
“You sort of did.”
“Just…look for bronze containers, for the love of God. And stop snapping at me.”
“I’m not snapping at you.” I frowned.
“You’ve been snappy all week. I understand you’re going through a breakup, but it’s a lot for all of us to handle.”
“It’s not…it’s not technically a breakup.”
“It’s a breakup.” She eyed me up and down. I looked down at myself.
“What?”
“You’re basically wearing pajamas out in the streets. I’m embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed?” I gasped. “These are designer.”
“Designer or not, they’re still pajamas.”
“You act like I’m wearing Crocs.”
“God, please save us.” She covered her face with her hand.
“I was barely with him, you know,” I said finally. “I was with my ex much longer.”
“I know.”
“This feels like a slow death.”
“Because you’re in love with him.”
I bit my lip. I’d come to that conclusion myself recently, but hearing it from someone else’s lips made it real. I focused on finding the bronze vases and thought about that the rest of the time. Was love enough? Would love help me overcome the fear I had of not being enough for his son? I shook my head. I couldn’t.
“Hey, P. I know this is bad timing and all, but there really isn’t good timing for this,” Adeline said as she crouched down to get a vase. She glanced up at me. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” The vases in my hand shook. “What?” I repeated.
“I’m pregnant.” She stood up, smiling.
“Does my brother know?”
“He was there when I peed on the stick. Of course, he knows.” She laughed. “But I figured you should get over your thing with kids soon. Say within the next seven months. Because, well, you’re going to be an aunt.”
I could only stare at her with my mouth ajar. Adeline pinched my cheek and kept shopping, leaving me standing there frozen. When my thoughts were no longer jumbled, I walked after her.
“Does Aramis know?”
“Not yet. I think Eli’s telling him today.”
“Do you know what you’re having?” Suddenly I was smiling and excited. “Is it a girl?”
“We don’t know yet.” Adeline smiled wide. “Whatever it is, it’ll be loved.”
“Yes.” I blinked. “It’ll definitely be loved.”
I was just leaving the primary school I’d done today’s rounds in when I spotted him—head full of curls, bright green eyes, and a smile that promised trouble. A pint-sized version of his daddy, but definitely his father’s son. Amir and I shared a look, and I didn’t have to tell him where my feet would lead me next. It wasn’t like I’d planned this. I hadn’t even known this was his school.
“Hey,” I said to the boy.
“Hey.” His eyes narrowed slightly. “You’re my daddy’s princess.”
I let out what sounded like a strangled laugh. “I’m a princess, yes.”
“Hmm.” His lips moved when he made that sound, and a small dimple appeared. “Are you the reason he’s sad?”
“What do you mean?”
“My dad. He’s sad. I tried to give him ice cream but even that didn’t cheer him up. I asked him if he still liked the princess and he looked even sadder.” The boy pouted.
“I’m sorry he’s sad,” I whispered, kneeling down to eye level with him. “I bet he’ll be happy soon.”
“Not even my hugs are working.” He shook his head. “And he says my hugs heal everything.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What’s a princess doing in our school anyway?”
“Spending time with kids.”
“Princesses like kids?” His brows rose.
“I guess they do.”
“Kids like princesses.” He smiled, the one that looked identical to his father’s and made my heart melt.
“Do they?”
“I do.”
“You do?” I felt myself smile wider. “Because they wait for their prince to rescue them?”
“Nah.” He shook his head. “Daddy says princesses don’t need saving.”
“He said that?”
“He says they’re the ones who do the saving.”
“Really?”
“Yup.” He frowned. “Do you think he’s right?”
“I’m not sure.” I sighed, repositioning myself so I was more comfortable. “What’s your name?”
“Asher. Asher Drake,” he announced proudly.
“I’m Pilar.” I extended my hand to him. He took it in his small grip and bowed before kissing the backs of my fingers. I laughed.
“That was very official.”
“I know. I saw it in a movie.”
“You may just be my new favorite kid, Asher Drake.”
“Does that mean I can be a knight?”
“Definitely.”
“Will you knight me?” His eyes widened.
“Only the king can knight you.” I winked. “It’s a good thing I know him.”
“Ash.” The voice came from a woman, and we both turned in that direction. His mother. I stood quickly and patted his curls.
“It was great to speak to you, Asher.”
“You too, Princess.”
I felt a tiny rip in my heart then swallowed back the emotion that threatened to overwhelm me.
“I’m sorry. I was in the school and—” I began to apologize to his mother for speaking to her son, but she put a hand up and dismissed the apology.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
“Oh.”
“It’s not like I could exactly get ahold of you.” She smiled. “And normally I wouldn’t want to, but I know Ben, and I’ve never seen him this distraught.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I bit my lip.
“He told me it was because of this.” She turned her head slightly toward Asher.
“It’s not just this. It’s not this at all actually.” I smiled sadly. “It’s me. I’m the problem.”
“Because you don’t think you’re ready for this.”
“I’m not.”
“No one is. I mean, I don’t think I am most days.”
“That’s what Ben said.”
“He’s not wrong,” she said. “And my boyfriend, Jack, it’s all new to him too, but he’s trying, and he’s doing so great.” She paused, exhaling. “Anyway, I’m speaking out of turn, and I don’t know your full story or issue. But I just want you to know that we’re here for you. If you love Ben half as much as he loves you, we’re all here for you.”
The tears came then, even though I batted them away quickly. “He loves me?”
“He does.”
“He said that?”
“He didn’t have to.” She smiled. “When you know, you know.”
I licked my lips, nodding. “Thank you for this…”
“Tamara.” She laughed. “I should have started with that. My name’s Tamara.”
“Thank you, Tamara. Truly.” I looked at Asher again, who was now talking to the little boy beside him. “You’ve done an exceptional job with him.”
“Thank you.” She smiled and reached for her son’s hand. “I hope to see you around.”
I smiled but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what I could say. I’d dismissed Ben and his feelings for me because I wasn’t sure I was ready to assume a role in his child’s life. Because I wasn’t sure that I was prepared for that. I didn’t know how to even speak to a child most of the time. I hadn’t thought about Ben’s feelings toward me or mine toward him. I hadn’t thought about all of the extra stuff I’d be throwing away when I said goodbye to him. I hadn’t taken into account the hollow feeling in my chest or how every single day would be consumed by thoughts of him. And I sure didn’t know how to fix it now. But maybe it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone and try.