Chapter 17
Alexiana – A Week Later
I tap my finger on my thigh as I watch Kayden catching up on his math homework, not wanting to fall behind, and my frustrations just keep building to the point I feel like I’m suffocating.
I gave in, I allowed Hayes to touch me and my goodness, it felt amazing.
I felt like I was home even if it did start out of anger but then when he was finished, I saw his pleasure with her.
I-I felt dirty, something I have never felt with him before, so now I’m not only hating myself because I felt that with my husband, but I’m frustrated I gave in to begin with.
I get it, the love is still there, the attraction, the feelings, but none of that means anything without trust. He lost mine, and honestly, if he hadn’t screwed her within a few days of me leaving, his being drunk a pathetic excuse, I could have worked through it with him, but he did sleep with her.
How can I get over something like that?
How can I forget every picture I was sent?
How can I try again without feeling like I’m my mother?
I can’t, it’s just too much, it all is, and him trying to use marriage counseling to stop the divorce, it's just argh, he’s reaching.
“Mama, is Daddy coming around today?” Kayden asks, and I blink and look at my little boy and swallow hard.
He’s his daddy’s double, right down to his eyes and is probably why I could never move on.
Hard to date when your first and only love doubles as your child, reminding you of him every single day.
“I’m not sure, babe, probably, he hasn’t gone one day without coming to see you,” I say softly, and he nods once before looking at his math book, looking like he’s in his own world.
We’ve been in the motel for a week, using money I don’t have spare.
Since I gave in six days ago, I’ve managed not to be left alone with my husband who would probably smirk each time he sees me knowing I’m dodging him.
I have canceled two sessions with a therapist I know for a fact is a woman screwing the brothers, he’s pissed but I’m not sure what he expected.
“Do we have to go home?” Kayden whispers, and I swear it takes everything inside me not to cry right now.
“I have work, Kayden,” I remind him softly, “Responsibilities,” but he shakes his head.
“You don’t even like your job!” he snaps, his eyes tearing up, and I swallow hard.
I knew he’d find this hard, but I never thought he’d get upset with me over this.
“Knock, knock,” I hear as the door opens, but I don’t look, recognizing Trick’s voice, and I say to my son, “I may not like my job, but it pays for the roof over our heads, and it’s paying for my college and your football fees,” and his bottom lip wobbles.
“I hate you!” he snaps, and I flinch as Trick snaps, “Kayden!” but my son shoves away from the table and storms to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him, and I slowly close my eyes.
He’s never told me that before…
“Alex, he didn’t mean it,” Tricks sighs and I nod as a few tears fall, but I quickly wipe them away and look at Trick who takes a seat on the bed and explains, “He can’t play football for a year, he’s having nightmares, and he’s just met his dad after being shot by a crazy woman not making sense.”
I bite my bottom lip and sniff hard to try and stop the tears before I choke, “It’s fine,” and he shakes his head.
“It isn’t fine, you’re not happy, Alex. Why are you going back? He wants to stay, and I know you’re hurting, but you and Crusher, you belong together,” he says lowly, but I shake my head.
“Don’t start, Miles!” I snap, “I’ve had enough of people telling me what to fricking do. I’ve had enough of Hayes denying the goddamn divorce. When does what I want to come into things?”
“You want Crusher,” Trick grits back, “You’re just being stubborn because he fucked someone else eight fricking years ago and he’s missed enough of his son’s life because of–”
Trick slams his mouth shut, cutting off his own words, and I raise a brow at the man, and I encourage, “Go on, Miles, say it, I dare you!”
He swallows and shakes his head, but I goad, “Because of me, right? I’m the reason why he hasn’t gotten to know his son?
Not because of his mom, who didn’t give me a chance to tell her who I was?
Not because of the woman he cheated on me with, who has done everything to keep us apart?
Not because of the prospect claiming he was with her?
But me, right? I’m the reason why he missed out on seven years of his son's life? I’ve been punishing him out of pettiness for hurting me, right?
Is that what you wanted to say?” He flinches, “I mean, it isn’t like I’ve been working my ass off since I left town after he chose the club, it isn’t like I was a single teenage mom.
It isn’t like I’ve been trying to pay for my own college for a career that bores the shit out of me but would give my son the life he deserves or anything, right?
All while calling him several times, only to be threatened with a lawsuit, threatened with a restraining order, right? ”
“Alex, I-I, I didn’t mean it, sweetheart.
I just, I’m frustrated because you fucking love him,” he whispers, and I scoff, “Because love fixes everything, right? I mean, if he loved me so much, he wouldn’t have had sex with her, and I wouldn’t have it ingrained in my head because of that damn photo I was sent!
” I shake my head at him, and I demand, “Get out!” and he flinches again.
“I’m sorry, Alex,” he whispers, but I shake my head and repeat, “I said get out,” and he sighs as he stands.
“I came to tell you that Kayden can now travel,” he admits, and I nod before calling, “Kayden, out now, we’re going home!” and Trick flinches again just as Kayden shouts in anger, and I hear a crash, and I take a deep breath.
I’m pissed, very fricking pissed, and my only saving grace right now is that I’ve left the bags in my car and only brought out what was needed inside.
Instead of snapping at my son, who is rightfully upset, I storm past Trick and grab Kayden's things off the table, then his backpack and shove everything inside.
“Please don’t go, Alex, at least wait until Hayes has finished work,” Trick pleads, but I ignore him as Kayden stomps out of the bathroom, and I say, “Let's go,” and he scowls at me, but I ignore the look.
It isn’t my past with Hayes or even my job that is making me leave. I also don’t want my mother finding out about Kayden. I’m not sure if Dad is still around, but if he is, my son isn’t safe. Even if he is upset with me, this is the right thing to do, going home.
We live in Rose Hill, and I need to start living for me instead of living in the past.
Shaking my head at my scowling son, I walk to the door and open it, but pause at the figure on the other side, and I lock my jaw as my protective instincts take over.
“Kayden, get to the car, now,” I demand coldly, not taking my eyes off the figure before me, not trusting her.
“So, it’s true then, you had a biker scum’s baby, whoring yourself out and leaving me to fend for myself!” my mother sneers, and I clench my jaw as Trick comes up behind me, causing her dark green eyes to narrow.
“Kayden!” I snap when my son doesn’t move, and he grabs his bag and storms over to the car, thankfully not arguing, seeing the tension, and I tilt my head at my mother.
Her once full red hair has thinned and greyed over the years, her cheeks are sunken in, her skin pale...
Life hasn’t been kind to this woman, but then again, she did take Dad's dirty money for a café that no one likes to go to, so I’d say karma is a bitch.
“How’d you find me?” I ask coldly, and she curls her lip, her yellow teeth coming into view.
I wonder if Dad got her on heroin again?
“It doesn’t matter how I found you, Alexiana, you are my daughter, yet you didn’t even have the decency to tell me you were back in town with a kid in tow,” she snaps, and I nod.
“Tell me something, Mom, is Dad still around?” I ask, and her nostrils flare.
“Thought so,” I mutter, “and that is the reason why I haven’t told you I was in town, that is the reason why I never called to tell you about my son, the reason why I stopped calling you to begin with.
While you are keeping a murderer under your roof, I want nothing to do with you. ”
Mom scoffs, “You’re being a hypocrite!” she sneers at me, “You’ve had a baby with a biker, who is exactly like your father!”
“No,” I deny, “the only thing my husband didn’t do differently than Dad is cheat, a murderer? He doesn’t kill innocent people!”
And he really doesn’t, which is why I always turned a blind eye. I know the club isn’t innocent, but they don’t do what the Chargers do. It’s something I learned while with Hayes.
“Hus-husband?” she chokes in shock, a little hurt etching her features, but I shake my head and walk past her.
I love my mom, I do, but sometimes she’s just so goddamn selfish and inviting that man into our home growing up was always her downfall.
“Alexiana, do not walk away from me after confessing to getting married and not telling me!” she snaps and grabs my hand before yanking me back and Trick snaps, “Get the fuck off her!”
Mom doesn’t listen, and she snaps, “You left me alone just like your father does every time he gets bored, you’re selfish just like him!” before my head snaps to the side, my cheek stinging, and Mom gasps as she lets go of my hand, and I look to see Trick shoving her against the wall.
“I-I, oh my, Alexiana, I’m…”
Trick cuts her off and growls, “Stay the fuck away from her!” before he stalks my way, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and slowly guides me away from my sobbing mother, who slides down the wall apologizing.
Everything inside me is telling me to comfort her, and I stop Trick from moving me before I walk over to my pleading mother, and I kneel and cup her cheek.
“I love you, Mama,” I whisper, making her sob harder, “If I didn’t I wouldn’t have kept a roof over our heads, but this has to stop, what you are allowing him to do,” my eyes race between hers, “You bought your café on blood money, you’re not even showing love to it, get rid of him, and maybe, we can talk, but until then, this is the only way to keep myself and my son safe. ”
“I-I’m sorry,” she sobs, and I nod as I lean forward and kiss her head, probably for the last time because I know she won’t ever change, that she relies on my father, that she has the taste of the dark side of life, selling her body.
The woman screwed the person I gave my virginity to, for Christ's sake, but at least I can tell myself that I tried.
Standing, I walk away from her without looking back, Trick watching me with concern, and I squeeze his arm when I stop near the driver's door of my car.
“Don’t make me put your name in the database,” he pleads softly, and I shake my head.
“You won’t find anything anyway, just leave it be, please,” I whisper, but he shakes his head and admits, “I’m going to be speaking to Crusher because things are starting to make sense, the real reason why you won’t come home, not the reason you are giving us.”
He looks frustrated, and I get it, I do, but my father isn’t just the reason, and he knows it.
“He cheated,” I remind him, “After I allowed him in, after I spent years being closed off and he pushed his way into my life, he hurt me in the worst possible way, a way I have seen growing up and I’ve lost trust in him.”
Trick shakes his head and asks, “And what about therapy? Why can’t you try that? Why do you have to keep canceling it on him? Lying about Kayden being sick?”
“Because therapy is a lost cause,” I whisper before I kiss his cheek and murmur, “I’ll see you soon,” before I climb into my car.
I don’t look at my son, too ashamed of what he’s just witnessed, and I pull away from the motel.
“I love you, Mama,” Kayden whispers, “I don’t hate you,” and my eyes tear up as he grabs my hand and I squeeze his hand tighter and choke, “I know, baby, I love you too.”
A few tears fall, but I ignore them as Kayden holds my hand tighter and I drive out of town, his whispered, “I wish I got to see daddy before we left,” breaking my heart and making it hard not to sob as doubt creeps in.
This is the right thing to do, right?