Chapter 17 #3
Liam’s eyes flash and his face hardens. He’s always had such a babyface, but that expression is entirely “I’m not talking about that kind of unhappy. I mean terribly heartbroken.” All the menace remains in his voice.
Cruz bows his head in silent acknowledgement and when he looks at Liam, there’s nothing but sincerity and respect, maybe even a little bit of admiration.
“Are you sure you don’t need a ride back to the clubhouse?”
Cruz shakes his head, then catches himself and nods. “I’m sure.”
“Will you go see Archer?”
I don’t know who that is, but probably a doctor that the club uses. I don’t doubt that they probably have private doctors or even a whole clinic that they go to. I doubt they’d use a public hospital or go to a regular doctor where silence would hardly be assured if it was needed.
“Maybe.”
“I think you should. I’ll come with you. At least get it checked. Don’t damage yourself beyond repair because you’re proud.”
Cruz tips back in his chair, throws back his head, and laughs. I cross my arms because I know what he’s going on about, but it’s so nice to hear that great, deep sound, that I can hardly be annoyed that his thoughts are likely trending straight to the fact that I appear to have taught Liam well.
Liam throws up his hands. He kisses me on the cheek and squeezes my arm. “I’m going to be in my room. I’ll let you two talk.” He stresses that last word.
My face heats up brutally, but the rest of me wants to collapse in a relieved heap. Liam’s not angry anymore. He might still be in shocked, still processing, still worried, but he’s not dead set against this. That reluctant blessing is the most important thing in the world.
Cruz stays frozen in the chair long after Liam’s door closes down the hall.
My single step toward him is all it takes for him to open his arm to me and guide me down to his knee.
I carefully keep all my weight on his left, the knee that doesn’t hurt him.
I feel horribly ridiculous sitting in his lap, but it’s wonderful when his arms come around me.
Safety. Comfort. Assurance. I need that.
He nuzzles my neck and kisses my hair. He pauses there, simply breathing me in, cradling me like I’m precious.
I’m not going to fall apart in the aftermath, but this is more than comfort.
He turns his face and kisses my ear and then my cheek, cupping my face in his big, calloused palm so he can turn me to him.
His nose brushes against mine and his lashes flutter against my cheek.
He doesn’t kiss my lips. This is all so much more intimate, but even so, I’d probably flare up, hot and bright.
My body isn’t mine to control when Cruz is around.
“Will you go to Archer’s? Is that a doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, as in… you’ll go, or yes it’s a doctor?”
“Yes, to both.”
I grasp his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Okay. Thank you.”
Neither of us moves. This isn’t a spell, but it’s a moment we might not get back as soon as it’s over. I don’t want to believe that it’s a moment we might not get again. He must be thinking the same thing.
“Can I take you out somewhere on Sunday? Not dinner or to a movie or anything. Somewhere we can talk, where it’s just us?”
All of me screams yes. The old fears, and some new ones, crowd in. Not just straight gut fear, but worries, apprehensions, what ifs. I don’t want to guard myself, but it’s not going to be possible to relax.
Still, I want to be brave. I want to take the advice that I know I’d give to Liam if he came to me, asking me if taking a chance might ever be worth it, or if chances only lead to heartbreak and hurt. “Do you know a place like that?”
“I think so. Some of the guys talk about fields and back roads around here where the stars are beautiful and no one’s around. They usually ride out on their bikes, I’d love to take you out sometime. Though it’ll be in my truck right now, not on my bike.
Cruz isn’t the kind of person to ask me to go down a back road with him because all he wants is a quick fuck in the backseat of his truck.
If he says the stars are beautiful, it’s because they absolutely are, and he’d like me to see them, to share that joy and majesty and wonder with me. Some of his heart for mine.
That’s who Cruz is.
That’s why I can trust him, and why I’d say that yes, there are risks that are worth it.
I untangle myself first. I stand and offer my hand, guiding Cruz up. He pretends like he doesn’t favor his knee, but I see the way he balances hard on his left, keeping his entire weight off the bad one.
He hobbles to the door, not even bothering to hide that he’s limping, but he does try to keep most of the pain from his face. “Don’t feel obligated,” he tells me. “I’ll understand if you need to cancel. This is… tenuous. I won’t be offended, and it won’t affect the way I think about you or Liam.”
I don’t want this to be a right person, wrong time situation.
I ache for Cruz. Ache because he’s a good man who deserves good things in return and who hasn’t always had them.
I ache to have him at my side, quietly or talking.
I ache for what he showed me is still possible when he touched me in the kitchen.
It’s more than just his mouth, his hands, his body, though if I think about that, I’m going to tear out of my skin long before Sunday.
It’s the way his soul seems to see mine in a special, private way that no other person has ever done.
“You can call me or text me,” I say, though my voice is so quiet coming out, it’s hard for him to hear.
He leans back in slightly. I want to pull him all the way from the door and ask him to stay, but I can’t.
Not yet. Maybe not for a good while, but I still have hope for one day. “If you want to, you can.”
He leans in, his breath hot and sweet against my cheek. He still smells like peanut butter. That shouldn’t be such a massive turn on. “Thank you. I will.”
He lingers at the door. “I’ll let myself out and lock up.”
“I have to go down and clean. I can lock up after you.”
He handles the stairs masterfully, even though it likely hurts like hell. He pauses at the door again, after he unlocks it. “Goodnight,” he says, so simple. So full of meaning. So soft and kind, straight from his heart.
“Goodnight.” Like he would do for me, I watch until he’s safely in his truck and driving away before I turn around and start my cleaning.
Hopefully, the methodical tasks will help. Help everything.
I said goodnight, and not just because that’s what people say. It could have been a very bad night, but it’s not. Liam’s not mad at me. He grew up faster than I knew. Goodnight could have been a goodbye, but it wasn’t. I’ll try very hard to ensure that it never is.