Chapter 19 Colby #2
“But not too much,” I whisper back, hoping he understands what I’m trying to say. He is a lot, always, but I can handle it. I want to handle it. His eyes crinkle at the edges and his lips part in the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on him.
“Are you ready to tell me what’s on your mind now?”
He untangles his fingers from mine and combs the hair at my temple.
I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensation and that insanely powerful feeling of safety he seems to bring out in me. It makes me brave enough to spill everything that’s inside me.
“I feel like I’m at the end of a really high tightrope, like only the perfect next step will mean I’m going to get to the finish line.
I don’t even know what the finish line is, but I feel like everything that’s happened the past month, everything I survived, all the work we did, will be for nothing if I don’t say the exact right words.
If I don’t speak in the best way possible. ”
I can tell from his frown that he’s following along with my weird metaphor as best he can, but that it’s still not making complete sense to him.
I don’t blame him. It hardly makes perfect sense to me.
I feel like I need to keep going though, because . . . because maybe I’m just an inch closer to the ledge, to the solid ground.
“I want to ask what comes next. I want to know if . . .” I gulp, knowing this is the bravest thing I’ll ever say.
“If you want Maggie and me to stay here. I don’t know how much more I can actually offer you in terms of my work.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next there, but I—” God, why the fuck is it so hard to say exactly what I want to happen?
I already told him I love him for fuck’s sake. This is nothing compared to that.
Well, not nothing, I reason with myself. Now more than ever I need to think about Maggie.
“I don’t really want Maggie and me to go back to the apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I kinda love that little place because it was Maggie’s first home, and the Murphys are great neighbors, but at the same time I . . . I love it here. I think Maggie does too.”
Though that last part comes out slow and low, I’m not worried about Eian hearing me clearly, and his smile, still so big and brilliant, gives me the final push to say everything I need.
“It’s because of you, of course. I don’t want to assume .
. . anything with you. I think I need you to spell things out for me, maybe.
And I don’t want us to stay here to freeload or anything.
In fact, I’d like to contribute in some way if we stay permanently.
I have money from the sale of my apartment that—right, you know about that.
You told me when you did that crazy scary speech the first time we talked.
I have a lot of . . . issues with money.
Like, mental issues. Because of my childhood.
Because we really didn’t have much at the orphanage, and I lived there for eight years before my dad adopted me.
Even growing up with him in his apartment and having more than enough, I still always think that I have to be careful.
Save money, you know? For a rainy day. So yeah, I can contribute.
“And when it comes to Maggie.” I take a breath to buy some time, and finally I can’t hold eye contact with him anymore.
I close my eyes. “I know you said you loved me and wouldn’t let me leave, but I don’t want Maggie to feel like an afterthought for the rest of my life.
For you. I want you to be—shit,” I hiss, hating that there’s no good way of saying this, of asking.
“I know you’re a good father because I’ve met Bran.
And I understand this is very different, and I don’t want to be pushy, but I mean, if we’re together .
. .” I open my eyes. He needs to know I mean this.
“Then Maggie is part of the package, you know? There’s no me without her. ”
I’m panting by the time I finally shut my damn mouth, and though his smile didn’t vanish, there’s now an imperious arch to his brows, as if he’s asking me if I’m done.
It brings out a smile in me, despite every uncomfortable emotion swirling in my chest.
Then he’s moving in, rolling me to my back, pinning my wrists to the mattress, and holding my body hostage with his own.
“There is no if here, Colby.” That dangerous growl is unfair warfare.
I’m jelly under him, smiling up at him like a willing fool.
“We’re together, we’re going to keep being together, and of fucking course you’re not going back to your apartment.
I’m not gonna let you pay for shit. Keep your savings, having it will make you feel better.
You wanna work? I’m sure I’m gonna need your help with this Turris bullshit, or you can help with the business, but investigating is what you like, so the Turris thing makes more sense to me if that’s what you want.
“And I know Maggie is part of the deal. I knew that from the moment you woke up delirious and beaten in my arms and fought like hell to get to her. I already love her too, and I’m going to spend my life making sure she’s safe, making sure she gets to do whatever the fuck she wants.
She’s your daughter, so of course I love her.
I love playing with her and seeing her discover things with those big brown eyes, and I love watching you with her.
One of the reasons I love you is because of how fiercely you protect her, Colby.
I know I did all of this way too fast—and I don’t regret it—but I’m not going to rush you when it comes to her, even if I do hope that someday she can be ours.
She’s not something I’m just accepting, she’s a gift, a treasure like Nan says, just as much as you are. ”