Chapter 32 A Matter of Honor
A Matter of Honor
Heat bloomed through my body.
For a moment, nothing else existed but his lips, which pressed against mine with a hunger and an urgency that threatened to unravel me.
And then, just as suddenly as his mouth had collided with mine, it was gone again.
Octavian pulled back mere inches, looking down into me. His azure eyes were bottomless, like dark, twin pools swirling with wild secrets.
“Forgive me,” he rasped. “I shouldn’t have just—”
I silenced him by tilting my face up and kissing him again.
His arms slid around me, pulling me tight against his body. During our first kiss back at the masquerade, he’d been in complete control of himself—using his handsome smile and warm charms to draw me in, teasing and flirting with practiced ease.
This was different. This was desperate, hungry. His hands moved over my back, touching me everywhere as if to assure himself that I was, as I claimed, free of harm despite his fear and guilt.
His touch was like fire, hot and wild and spreading over my skin, burning where it roamed and leaving pulsing embers of sensation in its wake.
His lips were unyielding. I felt like a leaf caught up in the wind, pulled about by a force much stronger than me—powerless yet unafraid, instead marveling at the exhilaration of flight.
I was floating, and burning, and dizzy with the thrill of it.
He leaned forward, shifting me so that my back pressed against the side of the bath.
The cool stone was a stark contrast to the heat of my skin—and to his, which continued to blaze beneath my spread fingers as he leaned against me.
His tongue slipped into my mouth, and I relished the taste of him.
Not sweet and tart, like the first time we kissed, but as alluring and layered as the rest of him.
This was a side of him I hadn’t seen before—as untamed as the beast he’d kept hidden from me. Now I could see it, feel it, taste it—the animal in him, the part that answered only to instinct and primal urges.
His teeth grazed my bottom lip. I whimpered against his mouth as pleasure shot through me, and he took that as encouragement.
His hands moved down, scooping me up and lifting me from the bathwater.
My legs hooked around him automatically as he set me on the edge of the basin, then dipped his head and kissed me deeply once more.
It wasn’t until then, with the cold air hitting my skin as the suds dripped off my body, that the conscious part of my brain become hyperaware once more that we were both already completely naked.
And the way our hips were locked together—allowing me to feel every carnal inch of him between my legs—made it impossible to ignore exactly where this was going.
A frisson of panic shivered down my spine.
Octavian must have felt me stiffen, because he froze, then pulled back slightly, practically shaking with the effort of holding himself back.
His eyes were heavy-lidded and dark with desire, and a tremor went through my core, even as I battled the knot in my stomach.
“I’m fine,” I assured him, my voice scratchy.
“I just…” I would have thought it was impossible to feel even hotter, but I could sense the flush spreading up my face.
“I’m not very experienced in this area. I just feel like I should warn you before we go any further.
And maybe request that we keep things gentle at first when we get to the… uh…”
Octavian pulled further away without releasing me, the lust-fueled haze in his eyes giving way to confusion, then, abruptly, understanding.
I could see the exact moment everything clicked into place for him. “You’re a virgin.”
“Guilty as charged,” I replied, keeping my voice light even though I was beginning to wish I hadn’t said anything at all.
I hadn’t wanted to make a big deal out of this…
I just didn’t want there to be any surprises in the middle of everything, especially when he clearly knew exactly what he was doing—and how to do it very, very well.
Judging by Octavian’s face, though, we’d already zoomed past big deal and were well on our way into this-changes-everything territory. His arms were still around me, but he’d gone very rigid. His breathing was ragged.
And I was starting to worry. I hadn’t wanted to stop—in fact, I very much wanted to continue, to give myself over to those primal urges that burned between us—but he was unmoving.
“I just thought you should know before…you know,” I said, looping my arms around his neck and trying to pull him back toward me, desperate to recapture that fire, that yearning, that wild, overwhelming hunger.
I might as well have been attempting to move a hundred-year-old tree, for all the good it did me. Octavian didn’t budge.
“I assumed you had…” He cleared his throat, which sounded like a small avalanche. “My impression was that in your world, most women your age have some level of sexual experience.”
“Most women do,” I said. My flush had spread all the way down to my breasts. “But some women choose to wait. For many reasons.”
He absorbed that information with an unreadable expression.
“It’s not a big deal, I promise.” I tried to pull him toward me again, and when that didn’t work, I leaned toward him instead, bringing my mouth to the side of his neck. I only managed to brush my lips against his throat before he pulled back once more.
“Why did you wait?” he asked.
“Is this really what you want to do right now?” I replied.
“I’m happy to have this conversation, but I can’t see why it can’t come later.
After the fun stuff.” I flashed him what I hoped was an inviting, seductive smile, even though throwing myself at him like this was starting to feel uncomfortable.
And more than a little embarrassing. “It doesn’t matter why I waited. ”
“Of course it matters!” He finally released me, taking a step back and running a hand through his short hair.
“Why?” I demanded, still confused as to why he was reacting this way. Radven had practically been thrilled by the news that no man had ever had me before. I crossed my arms across my chest, suddenly feeling very exposed.
And then I remembered something Radven said to me: Oak would never intentionally deceive a woman—he’s too honorable for that.
“Oh,” I said, realization dawning on me. “This is about what you told me in the woods. About not being able to love me. You’re worried that because I waited so long to lose my virginity, this means more to me than it does to you.”
He hesitated. “I understand that this can be an emotionally complicated event for—”
“Oh, please,” I interrupted, starting to feel a little pissed.
“You’re the one who kept talking about indulging in little pleasures.
That’s all I’m trying to do. And anyway, it’s my virginity.
Can’t I be trusted to make my own decisions about it?
” I drew my legs up out of the water, then rose, looking around for my towel.
“Marigold,” he rumbled, “I didn’t mean—”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I snapped. “The moment’s over.
” I grabbed my towel, wrapping it quickly around myself.
I wasn’t sure what was the most humiliating—being sexually rejected for being a virgin, having Octavian question my ability to emotionally handle this situation, or having him make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that any sort of feelings between us were absolutely off the table.
He straight-up told you that his heart is unavailable, I reminded myself about that last point.
It’s your own fault if you chose to ignore that and hope for something more.
But I quickly shoved that shaming voice down.
It absolutely wasn’t my fault that this man thought I couldn’t handle making my own choice about this.
It didn’t matter how honorable he thought he was being.
“Marigold.” Octavian was already climbing out of the bath, but I was too worked up to have a productive conversation about any of this right now. I was done.
Without bothering to grab my dirty clothes off the floor, I pushed the door open and darted into the corridor outside.
And slammed right into Talon.
A pair of birds startled from his shoulders, rising into the air with a string of chirps.
“Whoa, there.” Talon caught me by the arms, steadying me. “Everything all right?”
Octavian burst through the door behind me.
“Mari—” His deep rumble cut off when he saw his friend. He hadn’t even bothered to grab a towel before chasing after me, and his huge, naked, dripping form took up the entire doorway.
Talon raised an eyebrow. “Lovers’ spat?”
“No,” both Octavian and I said at the same time.
Talon’s eyebrow rose even higher, and his eyes sparkled with barely repressed amusement.
“Well, perhaps my dear old friend should put on some clothes,” he said. “This isn’t a pleasure house, after all.” His voice was slightly raspy, but in a pleasant way. His dark eyes fell to me. “May I escort you back to your room?”
“That would be lovely, thank you,” I replied. I was very aware of the fact that I was in nothing but a towel, but nothing about Talon’s manner made me feel uncomfortable with that.
Octavian looked like he wanted to say something more, to argue with his friend or with me, but he seemed to think better of the idea.
His expression became unreadable once more, the emotions in his eyes once again disappearing behind his practiced control as he turned to retreat into the bathing room without another word.
He’d do what he believed was the right thing, even when another part deep inside him wanted something very different.
“I trust Oak didn’t try anything untoward?” Talon asked as he walked me down the passage.
Despite the wording, there was genuine concern in his tone, so I assured him, “No, nothing like that.”
“Good.” He nodded. “I would have been shocked to learn my old friend had changed so much.”
“Nope, I can promise he’s still as honorable as he ever was,” I said, too worked up to stop myself from talking, even though I probably should have. “That’s precisely the problem.”
“Ah,” Talon said knowingly. The birds had resumed their perches on his shoulders, and one of them gave a little warble that sounded suspiciously like a chuckle.
“I mean, obviously it’s good that he’s honorable,” I said.
“I’m not complaining about that. But there’s a difference between being honorable and acting like you know more than the woman you’re supposedly trying to protect in the first place.
Don’t I get a say in any of this?” Realizing I was dumping on a stranger, I quickly added, “Not that you need to know any of this. I know he’s your friend. And we’ve only just met.”
“I don’t believe we’ve even been formerly introduced,” Talon said, his amusement plain on his face. “I’m Talon, though I trust you’re aware of that by now.”
“I’m Marigold, which I assume you know as well.” I hugged my towel across my chest. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to put you in the middle of all this.”
“No apologies necessary. It just goes to show that even the best of men can become complete asses when it comes to matters of lust and love.” He grinned at me.
“He always was the best at everything growing up, and I don’t mind being reminded that he has a few flaws.
” He struck me as the sort of amiable person who could find humor and joy in just about anything, which was refreshing after the tumultuous couple of days I’d had.
It was unsurprising that someone like him had attracted an entire crew of people ready to join his cause.
I smiled, in spite of myself. “You two were really close, huh?”
“We grew up together in Riversend. Back then we were the same size.” He reached up and rubbed one of his little birds on its downy head.
“We were extremely competitive as boys, always racing, wrestling, getting into all sorts of trouble together. He almost always came out on top, of course, especially after he basically doubled in size overnight. But he was humble about it, so I never held it against him.” His tone suggested he found the whole thing endearing.
“It probably helped, as we got older, that we were never competing for lovers. Most of the young women in Riversend were ready to drop anything at a moment’s notice just because he happened to glance in their direction. ”
“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” I muttered.
Talon nodded. “By then, he had already gained something of a reputation as a hero, traveling all around the surrounding countryside slaying monsters and saving villages. He could have had any woman he wanted, but he only had eyes for Esmerine.”
That wasn’t the first time he’d mentioned that name since we’d arrived here. Something contracted in my chest, and before I could stop myself, I asked, “Who was she?”
Talon eyed me sidelong. “I’m surprised she’s never come up between you—but then again, maybe not. Esmerine was, he claimed, the love of his life.”