Chapter 24
Elsie
I’d written five different texts today.
The first was to Lukas, and it was a book-length apology text. It explained why I hadn’t told him and how I had been scared to tell him who my father was. It begged for forgiveness and was emotionally raw.
Too raw. I deleted it.
The next was to Lena—my estranged best friend. The friend who wasn’t really there for me when everything happened during the love potion attacks. I’d written a short message saying I needed her to come over so I could have someone to talk to.
Ultimately, I realized she hadn’t bothered to reach out to me since the semester ended. Three texts I’d sent previously had gone unanswered. So I deleted that text, too.
Then I wrote out a text to Henri. It was a simple message asking her if she’d been feeling okay. It had been three days since the incident, and I had no updates on her yet.
I sent that text.
The fourth was to my father, telling him that I was moving out within the week. But then I realized that the idea was absurd because I didn’t even have a way to pay for a place to live, and I wouldn’t leave my books behind without a plan.
I deleted that text, too.
The last text was to Lukas.
Hey. Can we meet up and talk?
I sent it before I had the chance to delete it, along with all the other graveyard messages. Bile rose in my throat as I placed my phone facedown on my bed and walked away.
Everything was a mess.
And it was all my doing.
I’d had so much time just to be honest with Lukas and tell him everything, and yet I still didn’t. I’d found every excuse not to.
If there were any chance of me saving what I had with him, I had to talk to him sooner rather than later.
More importantly, I’d found something that he needed to see as soon as possible.
It didn’t take Lukas long to respond to my message, and the second I heard my phone vibrate, I launched across the room to check it.
Lukas
I’m available this afternoon.
Midnight Mug at 3?
My heart sank at how clinical his response was, but I tried not to dwell on it. I waited with bated breath for his reply.
Lukas
See you there.
My eyes landed on Lukas the second I stepped into the dimly lit tea shop.
The strap of my bag suddenly became heavier as I walked towards him, seeing that he’d already ordered something for me.
Steam was billowing up from the teacup in front of my seat, and next to it was a plate with purple macarons.
Lukas stood as I approached the table, the look on his face hiding none of his thoughts. Unease held the corners of his eyes, his mouth set in a tight line. He was clearly upset with me, which I couldn’t blame him for.
“Hey,” he breathed, pushing my chair in as I sat. He pulled the bag off my arm and rested it against the back of the chair. Lukas was ever the gentleman, even when I surely didn’t deserve it.
“Hi,” I responded awkwardly, knowing it showed through in my voice. He rounded the table and sat back in his chair, picking up his mug to sip. Those large blue eyes looked at me expectantly.
I took a deep breath—one that I was sure would give me the strength I needed to dive into this conversation.
“I’m sorry, Lukas. I know you have no reason to believe me or forgive me, but I want to explain myself.” I refused to let my fear or nervousness break my eye contact with him. His expression remained neutral, so I continued.
“First, I’m very sorry that I never told you who my father was.
It was incredibly wrong of me to get involved with you without being honest up front.
I was scared. Father saw you at the bookshop the day we bought the books for Henri and told me to stay away from you.
When I found out you worked for Ed Hildonbrand, I realized you probably hated who my father is. I was scared that if you—”
“Elsie.”
“—realized who my father was, you would no longer want to see me. And I pushed you away because I knew it could get me into trouble in the long run with my father. I knew he disapproved, and he told me time after time that I couldn’t be with you.”
“Elsie.”
“I wasn’t sure what I wanted, because my life has been so messed up ever since…well, since my mom died, but especially since the potion attacks. I just wanted to be in control of my own decisions, but I didn’t know what I wanted. And once I realized that I truly did want you, I—”
“Elsie.” Lukas grabbed my hand, punctuating his interruption.
I jerked upright, realizing I had looked away from him and was rambling.
There were tears in my eyes. Slowly, I moved my gaze back to his.
There was the smallest hint of a smile on his face, but his eyes held something…
tender. I took a deep breath, trying to recall all that I had already said.
“I get it.”
I flinched back in surprise. “You do?”
“Yeah. You’d heard me countless times how much I hate Aster and desire to see her receive justice. And your father…is her defense.”
“I…I just couldn’t straighten anything out in my head.
I decided that I was going to tell you, but couldn’t find the right time.
Then, everything happened with Henri, and I really didn’t think that was the right time.
And then the library at my house…and…yeah.
” I couldn’t keep track of what I was saying, or if I was saying enough or too much.
My mind was spinning on its axis, contorting as it tried to cling to the hope that Lukas would forgive me.
“I just have one question.”
My eyes shot back to his at the seriousness of his tone. His expression was all hard lines and severity now.
“Whatever you want to know,” I encouraged, hoping he would understand that I would be candid.
“Do you support your father? In defending Aster?”
This time, I flinched in shock, pulling my hand away from him. The hint of accusation in his voice stung me in the chest.
“Of course not,” I whispered, aghast. “I-I could never…support him with everything that happened to me during the attacks. I wouldn’t—” I cut myself off, realizing my ramblings had opened a door I hadn’t planned on walking Lukas through yet.
His eyes widened slightly before a softer look came over his features. “Do you…want to tell me what happened to you?”
My bottom lip was between my teeth as I considered his question.
He wasn’t forcing me to tell him, but rather giving me the space to do so if I wanted to.
He’d most likely put the pieces together over the past few weeks of us spending time together that something had happened.
But he never pressed. Not then, and not now.
And that made up my mind for me.
I took another deep breath, gazing around the back corner of the tea shop. There was no love potion here. I was not on campus. Grounding myself, I noted the sights, the smells, the feelings. I reminded myself that I was in the present, not in a memory.
“I went with Lena to the football game Forrestbriar played against Castleton. We usually went to the football games just to do something fun, and I never thought twice about it. Even after the attacks began.” I paused, collecting my thoughts and slowing them down.
Every time I thought back to that night, my heart rate would pick up, and my mind would race.
Slowly, Lukas reached across the table to take my hand again, and I let him.
“I’m sure you know because you were there…but when the potion hit, I was trying to race back to my dorm like I did all the other times. It affected me a little, but the guy I was interested in hadn’t been at the game, thankfully.” I paused, breathing slowly as I recounted the memory.
“Unfortunately…the guy who was interested in me was at the game. I knew he was. And everyone else was too busy to notice or even care. I tried to run out of the stadium, but it was so crowded, and I didn’t want him to catch up to me.
It’s why I hate feeling trapped in a crowd now.
” I took deeper breaths, focusing on looking at the teacup, the framed artwork on the wall, and the crack near the edge of the wooden table.
The air smelled of tea and spice. The indistinct murmur of the other patrons played in the background.
All things to remind myself where I was.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to continue.” Lukas’s voice was so soft and so considerate. But I shook my head.
“I’m okay,” I reassured him before continuing the story.
“I’d known he was interested in me. He would blow my phone up during each attack, and in the class we had together, he would always ask me where I was during the attack.
He made his feelings known to me, but I tried to let him down easy each time.
I was walking back to my dorm with my hood up, hoping no one would see me.
There were students—and professors—everywhere.
They were all…unable to stop themselves from what was happening.
I was just desperate to lock myself away.
“Right as I was walking back to the main part of campus,” I paused again—one last breath.
I could do this. “He—he had followed me. He grabbed me and pulled me into the alley between Hearst Hall and the Willowcrest building.” I was shaking my head and squeezing Lukas’s hand to hold myself in the present.
“I couldn’t get away from him fast enough, and obviously, he was much stronger than I was.
He held me by my arms and didn’t listen when I told him no over and over.
I yelled for help, but everyone was too dazed by the potion. ”
My words hung in the air for too long, and when I let myself look at Lukas again, I was shocked to find the anger and worry mixed in his eyes.