Chapter 17 #2
Daddy followed me as I moved quickly from room to room downstairs.
When we passed the kitchen, some great food smells lingered.
I pointed at things like paintings and the big fireplace but hopped on to other rooms and objects before he could ask questions.
My daddy was polite. He would never interrupt.
I showed him the gym by walking through it as fast as possible.
I was already panting as I led us upstairs. So far, Sorel had now shown up. For which I was grateful. Later for that.
Finally, he spoke. “Slow down. Just a bit, please.”
I spun fast, then turned away. I got enough of a glimpse of him to see wide eyes as he turned his head back and forth to take in everything. But I still didn’t know his emotional state.
I headed to one of my favorite rooms first. My toy room.
I had only played in here with a few people from my life.
Mostly, it was me alone. It wasn’t that Grandfather didn’t allow my friends to come over.
That was all on me. Kids became easily jealous.
I found that out at an early age. I’d lost friends over my toy room.
Only my bestest friends came in here with me.
And usually, I bribed them to be kind and not go away. That almost made me feel worse.
I pointed quickly at all the things, listing them as if it was all some boring chore sheet.
“Skee ball over there. Air hockey.” I ran my hand over the chrome rail.
“Pacman. More old video games. Grandfather owned an arcade once. My two crane games were fun for a while until I won all the stuffies inside. They got refilled but my shelves were full.” I patted them on their glass sides.
“And this is my train.” It was a rideable train, big enough to hold even adults, and the track ran all along the walls of the room in a big oval.
I turned it on and watched it go at its slow pace tootling along the tracks.
The room was full of more toys than I could name in a day, so I hurried back to the door and led us out to the hall.
Grandfather’s rooms down at the end of the other hall were locked up at my order.
So we didn’t go there. Instead, I took him to my room which was as big as the toy room with everything a boy could want, including my nighttime toys.
When we entered, Daddy walked ahead of me looking around.
I stood frozen in the center of the room. “So.” I cleared my throat. “This is me.”
“You.” The word came from him like a sigh.
I pointed where he was already looking. “That’s my bed.”
“I see.”
He was responding now but I still wasn’t sure what that meant. I went to the bed and pulled back the Shrek duvet. I showed him my Shrek sheets and pillowcases. Then I gestured up to the shelves over the bed. “Shrek and Donkey live right there. They share with my other favorite stuffies.”
“You must love that movie. How come we’ve never watched it together?”
His voice sounded normal. A surge of hope went through me. “I do love it. All of the Shrek sequels, too. Except I used to ship the princess with the pink dragon and Shrek with Donkey. Until when I was eleven one of my friends said it was bestiality and I was sinning.”
Daddy clutched his stomach, laughing.
Something inside me wilted. “Are you laughing at me?”
“No, with you.” He stopped abruptly. “But why all the secrecy?”
I bowed my head trying not to pout. “Don’t you know?”
“No. Is it about trust?”
Slowly, I nodded.
“Did you think if you showed me all this earlier I wouldn’t want you?”
“No. You might want me. But not really want me for me.”
He moved forward. “Oh. I think I understand.” He put his arms around me.
I stood very still, not reciprocating. I didn’t understand myself, so how could he?
“What do you think you understand?” I asked.
“You’re afraid because truth doesn’t always follow money, or maybe it’s the other way around.”
I backed up, hands still at my sides. Even now, I couldn’t look at him. “Are you mad?”
“Should I be?”
I scrunched up my face as I stared at my lime green carpet. “I think you should.”
“Tell me why.”
“Because I’m a scaredy-pants insecure little who can’t even trust someone who’s the nicest person ever.
I’m bad and wrong for keeping this secret from you.
That’s what you really want to say, isn’t it?
” I stomped my foot. Tears came to my eyes.
“I’m not your baby. Not really when I held all this back from you.
You should unfriend me, thumbs down, frowny face. ” I gasped to hold back a sob.
He crossed his arms. “Interesting way of putting it.”
Daddy was serious now. Which I knew made things worse for me.
I’d fucked everything up so bad. Would I ever feel comfortable having friends over here who weren’t in my same financial bracket?
Probably never. It wasn’t me being a snob.
Never that. But my unwanted fears meant I’d remain alone because I didn’t tend to run in those circles.
“You can leave if you want.”
“I—”
Just then, Sorel poked his head in the doorway. “Apologies, sir. Uh… sirs. Hello, Kairo. I didn’t know you had a guest.” He paused and I could feel him assessing us. “Are you all right, sir?”
Good question.
Daddy stood back. Now I could see how uncomfortable he was. The most popular man in the gay community. The most handsome. My dream lover. Now he stood away from me looking confused and unsure.
I needed sureness right now. I needed to go back to Daddy’s house where everything was cozy, safe and made sense.
But I’d hurt my daddy today. I’d lied to him. I’d kept this whopper of a secret. How could he ever love me now?
Sorel asked again. “Sir? Are you all right?”
Nothing made sense.
I couldn’t contain it all. It was too much. My heart was breaking. Sparkles appeared in the corners of my vision. Next thing I knew my knees gave way. Someone caught me under one arm.