Chapter 29 #2
“Oh.” I sit with that statement. “That’s totally reasonable.
I was nervous about my mom or dad dating other people when they got divorced.
I was afraid that if they spent time with a new person it would mean I’d be less important.
The thing about parents is that they don’t run out of space in their hearts.
You know how some families have, like, two or three kids, or more?
The parents love all those kids, right? It’s kind of the same when a new person comes into your life.
My mom loves me because I’m her daughter, and for a lot of my life it was just her and me in our house together.
But a couple years ago, she met Perry, and now she loves them, too.
And the three of us live in this apartment and it’s okay.
She loves me the same amount. People’s hearts are stretchy. ”
Kira looks back down at her paper, contemplating something.
“Do you want to have a baby?” she asks finally. Her skill at pivoting conversations is unmatched. I have whiplash.
“I’m too young to have a baby!”
Kira’s face scrunches up. “No, you’re not.”
I try not to feel wounded by this reaction. I regret not investing in more skin care products.
“My dad’s too old to date,” she says. “Kissing people when you’re that old is ew.”
“Oh, come on, that’s not true. I think it’s—”
KNOCK! KNOCK!
I look at Kira. “Did you secretly order a pizza?”
“I don’t have DoorDash on my tablet,” she says, as if this is a great injustice.
She trails me to the door, screaming “Dad!” when I swing it open to reveal a very tired-looking Nick.
“You finished early?” I ask.
“I told you it would be quick,” he says. “I’m a man of my word.”
“At least there’s one of you in this world,” I mumble.
Kira runs back into the office. “Dad, come see my hybrids and furries!”
Nick stifles a laugh and gives me a quick squeeze. “Seriously. Thank you.”
Kira lifts up one of her drawings to show him, rattling off all the character names and their various alliances and frenemies.
Something catches my eye on the floor. I hadn’t noticed before, but she’d been using a comic book as a flat surface underneath her drawing paper.
I grab it off the floor. Across the drawing of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson’s wedding, I see the outlines of her drawings where the markers bled through onto my pristine copy of Amazing Spider-Man Annual #21.
“Fuck!”
They both turn to look at me as I hold up the book.
“Oops,” Kira says, some realization dawning on her face.
“The one thing I asked was to leave these in the clear plastic bags because they’re valuable,” I say.
“I know, but I wanted to look inside that one because it has a wedding on the front.”
“It’s ruined, Kira!” The volume of my voice is a bit alarming, but I’m pissed.
“Maybe we can find another copy,” Nick says.
“This is a collectible! It was in near-mint condition.”
Kira rocks back and forth on her heels.
“I’m sure she didn’t realize,” Nick says, bending down and putting a hand on her shoulder. “Kira, what do you say?”
“I’m sow-wy,” she says in that disingenuous baby talk voice.
Something inside me snaps.
“No!” I yell. “You’re too old for a baby talk apology. Say you’re sorry to me in a normal voice, like you mean it.”
“Sam!” Nick stands all the way up, facing me. “Come on, it was an accident.”
“No, it’s rude,” I exclaim. “She’s acting like a spoiled brat!”
“Don’t raise your voice at my kid, okay?”
“I’m so-rry,” Kira yells.
And then she bursts into tears.
After Nick takes her home, I decide that I need more room to angrily pace than my mom’s apartment allows.
I’ve only done a few laps down the breezeway when Nick opens his door and follows me.
“Hey, don’t leave.” He starts jogging to catch up.
“I made a little kid cry, Nick. I can’t even babysit.”
“She’s okay. She’s sitting on the couch with her tablet.”
“Oh.” I’m a little annoyed at how quickly Kira’s gotten over it when I’m still throwing a fit. “Well, I’m not okay. And you could’ve backed me up.”
“I’m sorry, Sam. But kids break things. They ruin things. And they’re not very good at taking responsibility, especially when adults are yelling at—”
“I was yelling because she wasn’t actually apologizing!”
“Come on,” he says, leading me farther down the hall. He opens the door to the closet with the trash chute and motions for me to enter.
It smells like rotting food, and when he closes the door behind me, I feel even more trapped here.
“I don’t want to do this,” I say, trying not to breathe through my nose while borderline hyperventilating.
“You don’t want to do what? Talk to me.”
It bursts out of me: “I’m not ready to be a stepmom.”
“Whoa.” Nick’s concerned look turns to confusion. “I’m not asking you to be a stepmom. I’ve never asked you that. I’m not even legally divorced yet.”
I look at him. “Wait, what?”
“We’ve been separated for a couple years, but we haven’t gotten around to filing yet. I wasn’t trying to hide it, I just…honestly, I don’t really think about it and I also wish I hadn’t said any of this in a trash room.”
“Okay,” I say, wanting to take a deep breath, but also very much not wanting to inhale garbage fumes. “We’re coming back to that later.”
“Stepmom is so many miles down the road.”
“Yes, but it’s the reality of your life. Sooner or later, that’s the endgame. And I traumatized your child.”
“She’s not traumatized! Honestly, I fucking hate that baby talk voice, too,” he says. “But you were a little scary. I mean, I’ll pay you whatever the comic was worth—”
“Forget about the comic.” I let out an exasperated sigh.
“In a normal situation, I wouldn’t have even met Kira yet.
I’ve researched it. Or, Romily researched it.
Because this can go really wrong. It’s confusing for kids.
We might’ve already made this more difficult for her because of all those questions.
She’s probably making up stories in her head now. ”
“Then it’s time for me to sit down with her and talk about it as openly as I can.”
“But you haven’t done that! Listen to me.” I grab his arms. “You’re a relationship guy. You’re, like, a serious Wife Guy.”
“Don’t be condescending.”
“I’m not. I’m saying you’re a good person. You’re the best person. And you deserve so much. You should have someone to hold you at night and give you massages because your back hurts. And you should definitely be fingering someone regularly because oh my God.”
“I want those things! Why do you think I’m arguing with an extremely agitated woman in a trash closet?”
“You need a grown-up,” I say. “With a real life and adult responsibilities—”
“You’re an adult, Sam.”
“—and her own place to live, who you know will be here in six months. That’s the person who should be meeting your daughter.”
“I don’t want those things with someone else. I want them with you.” He tucks an unruly lock of hair behind my ear. Exactly the sort of gesture that forces me to blink back my own tears. “I don’t know what that looks like. But I’ll take whatever you’ll give me.”
I don’t know who moves first, but I’m clinging to him and he’s squeezing me so tight it hurts.
“Kira hates me now,” I whisper.
“She doesn’t. Kids get over these things so much faster than adults.”
But as warm and comforting as his body feels, there’s another glaringly obvious truth that neither of us is acknowledging.
“There is a very good chance that this isn’t going to end well,” I say into his shoulder.
“I know,” he says, stroking my hair.
“I don’t want to hurt a dad.”
“I’ll take that risk. And if you do leave,” he says, “I’d rather spend the remaining time with you than sitting here by myself wishing I was with you and being both sad and alone.
And even if I feel like total shit after you’re gone, I’m never going to regret telling you how I feel.
And hearing you say it.” He grins. “Even if I had to drag it out of you.”
“I enjoyed it,” I say. “I have hot pink feelings.”
“Mmm. What are those?”
“I can’t tell you the definition, but I’m pretty sure I have them.”
“You woke me up. And now I’m fucked.” He kisses me on the forehead. “And I’m really grateful for that.”
“I’m like Sleeping Beauty’s prince,” I muse. “I gave you true love’s blow job.”
“Actually,” he says, “I think it started with true love’s raspberry.”