Chapter 7
Knee time.
Those two words strike fear into the hearts of submissives everywhere. Well, the heart of this submissive. Kneeling to your Dom and baring your soul? That’s daunting.
But today? Today, I’m undaunted.
I position the ladderback chair Daddy likes to sit in during Knee Time and leave a cushion on the chair’s seat. I used to put it on the floor so everything was ready when Daddy came in but now I leave the pillow on the chair so Daddy can put it on the floor to invite me over. He likes the way that sets the scene better.
I take off the cute corduroy overall dress and cotton sweater with its ruffled sleeves Daddy put me in this morning, fold them, and leave them on the bed. I brush out my hair, resettle my cat ears on the top of my head, check that my white thigh highs with their cute pink ribbons around the top are even, then kneel by the door to wait for Daddy.
While I wait, I go over the things Daddy will want from me. He can ask anything but he always starts with a good thought and a worry. I have two good thoughts and one little worry. Daddy wants me to be scrupulously honest with him, so I’m not going to invent a big worry. Then I just have to weather whatever questions he’s thought up. I love my Daddy but he is a demon with probing questions, as well as with his evil, knobbly paddle.
I might love that paddle a little bit. Wow, did it get me into subspace fast.
But Daddy definitely doesn’t need to know that. It’s evil. Even more evil than Belphegor. I’m going to have to find a suitably evil name for the knobbly paddle. Belial? Hmm.
As I’m pondering, Daddy walks through the door. His stride is even, his footsteps firm. It makes something bright and smiley blossom in my chest to hear him walking so steadily. For the longest time after his injury, he had a hitch in his step. It wasn’t a big one but I registered it on some level. I was always aware that my Daddy was hurt.
He’s not anymore.
He puts his phone in the speaker dock and taps up a playlist. It’s not one of his spank-tracks, which is slightly disappointing but he did give me a super-spanking last night before the fucking and the diapering and the rocking.
Which was one of the more transcendent experiences of my life.
The music he puts on isn’t immediately familiar but the longer I listen, the more familiar it sounds. Behind the melody I almost know, there’s a pounding beat. It’s classical but classical played by a house DJ.
“Daddy, what is this?” I ask.
“Myles turned me on to it. It’s by a group called Pink Elephant Music. According to them, they sexy-up classical.”
I didn’t realize Daddy was on playlist-buddy terms with Mr. De Leon. I guess planning for the Great Baby Caper changed things between them.
“I like it.”
“Me, too.” He turns to me and winks. “Guess this old dog can learn a new trick or two.”
I shake my head at him. Daddy’s hardly old.
He strips off the white dress shirt he wore today and unbuckles his belt, coiling it on the dresser. He lets his pants slide down to hang on his hips, showing off his strong core and hip dips. I duck my head before he catches me drooling. I’ll never get tired of looking at my Daddy.
He places the pillow on the floor before he sits in the chair. “Come, baby doll. Knee Time.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
I rise, focusing on moving gracefully, then sink to my knees beside Daddy’s chair. He strokes my hair and I let myself drift into that calm, meditative place I seek during Knee Time.
After several minutes, Daddy murmurs, “One good thing, baby doll?”
“I have a good thing, and a thing I want to say about it but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way. It is a good thing, Daddy.”
“Okay,” Logan says slowly. “Tell me, baby.”
“The good thing was how amazing it felt for you to take complete care of me during our scene in the Nursery. Which is super-awesome, by the way. I’m blown away and can’t wait for it to open and all the littles to play together. We’re going to have so much fun.”
I can hear the smile in Logan’s voice when he says, “I’m so pleased, sweetheart. That’s everything I wanted out of the Nursery.”
“The thing I have to say about it is that I don’t want to be diapered again. I liked doing it once. I felt very safe and comfortable. I loved the rocking and I want to do lots of that. I loved the piercing and I want to do lots of that, too. But I don’t want to be diapered again.”
Daddy strokes my hair in silence for a moment. “Can you tell me a little more about how you felt about the diapering and why you don’t want to do it again?”
“I felt good and safe,” I tell him honestly. “I liked it. I loved our scene. It was awesome.”
“Then why wouldn’t you want to do it again, baby?”
“Because I woke up feeling icky. The diaper was sticking to me with, um, stuff and it was super-gross. I want sex when I’m little, and I know that makes me weird?—”
“No,” Daddy growls. “It does not make you weird.”
“Okay, different,” I correct. “It makes me different. I know lots of littles don’t want sex when they’re little. But it’s a continuum for me. Feeling loved and safe and free the way I do when I’m little, it also makes me feel hot and needy. I want to make love with my Daddy when I’m little but I don’t ever want to feel gooey in the diaper again. It was icky and took me straight out of littlespace.”
“Is it because of the taboo of wetness in the diaper and losing control or something else?”
I mull that over for a moment. “I don’t think so. I was prepared for the diaper to be wet when I woke up. I wasn’t prepared for it to be gooey and sticking to me. It was nasty.”
“Do you think this is part of your worries about mess? Did you think Daddy would be disgusted when I cleaned you up?”
I shake my head before laying it on his thigh. “I didn’t think about that. It was just the feeling of it. It was yuck. I would have liked you putting a towel down and rocking me instead.”
“Ah, okay,” Daddy says. “I can do that. What about the towel feels different than the diaper?”
I compare the sensations in my mind. One is okay. I often put a towel in the bed before we do a scene so neither of us have to sleep in a huge wet spot. Even pulling the towel up between my legs is fine in my head. Nothing icky about that. Waking up with that diaper all gooey and stuck to me was disgusting and not something I want to feel again.
“The towel’s really absorbent and it doesn’t stick to me. The diaper did. I didn’t feel little. I actually started thinking about Maman and her having to wear a diaper now and I felt sick.”
“I can see where that association would bother you, baby. I liked diapering you but you know I’m flexible. I’m happy to just put a towel under you instead.”
“I liked the diaper-pin piercing, Daddy. I don’t want to lose that.”
“I took note of that, sweetheart. I’m very proud of you for telling me all of this. This is exactly what Knee Time is for. Do you want to tell me a worry and then we’ll talk about mine?”
“Mmm-hmm. My worry is about you.”
“About me? Sorry, sweetheart, I keep interrupting. Keep going. Tell me what you’re worried about.”
“I’m worried there’s all this pressure on you. You have lots of worries, too. Much more than just one. I know I’m very little but I want you to share them with me. I know you talk to Niall some and Mac some and Max some and Warrin some—I know you have domly support—but I also worry that you censor yourself so they’ll think you’re okay. It’s okay not to be okay, Daddy.”
Logan’s breath hitches. He curls over me, resting his head on mine, his hand sliding down my back. “Baby, my baby, you’re so wonderful.”
“Love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too, sweetheart. I haven’t been okay. Finding out about Livvy flattened me. It was the worst feeling, knowing Miranda had done that. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry. It felt like I’d never get away from her. I’d always have this reminder of how she broke my trust and used me. I felt victimized. That’s not a feeling I’ve ever had before, Emmy. I had no idea how much it hurt.”
Daddy, my poor Daddy. I reach up and wrap my arms around his shoulders even though it’s a weird stretch. Daddy realizes it in a second, straightens up, and pulls me up into his lap. I curl around him, hugging him hard.
“I’ve never hated anyone the way I hate her. It’s a terrible emotion, hatred. I’ve been angry at people before. The pirates who killed my crewmate. The drunk driver who caused my parents’ deaths. I’ve felt rage but nothing like this. I wasn’t even sure I could be your Daddy while I felt so much hatred toward her. I know I pulled away from you and drank my emotions for a day. Thank you for giving me that space, sweetheart. Thank you for rescuing me that night. I needed both so much.”
“I’ll always rescue you, Daddy,” I promise.
He rocks me, his arms so tight around me it’s hard to breathe but I don’t need oxygen when I’m a fierce, white baby-dragon, protecting my big Daddy-dragon against the Mir-witch.
“And on top of it was the wonder of being a father. I didn’t really want that until I met you. Now I want a great, big family with you but not with her. She took that away from me: the amazing feeling of finding out I’m going to be a father, which I should have shared with you. Instead, she has those moments, and I hated her all the more for that. I’ve been ruthless in taking Livvy away from her. I know I have. I’ve been brutal and uncompromising. And I’ve been worried you would think less of me for that. But I needed an outlet for all that hatred or I was going to explode.”
Oh, poor Daddy. I didn’t realize he was concerned about what I’d think of the custody case. Honestly, I was just so worried he wouldn’t win that I didn’t think of much else.
“I understand, Daddy,” I say soothingly. “I actually think you’ve channeled it constructively. I don’t know everything about Miranda the way you do but I know you’ll be a much better parent than she would be. She’s a narcissist, just like my ex-husband. Narcissists aren’t good for anyone, much less a little kid.”
“Thank you, baby doll. I’m going to try very hard to give Livvy the father she deserves. I worry that I’ll look at her and see that woman. That I won’t be able to separate them in my heart. Do you think that could happen?”
I rub my cheek against his while I think it over. No, I don’t think Logan is like that. I think once Livvy gets here he’ll be so head-over-heels in love with her that he’ll have a hard time remembering Miranda’s name. Particularly since he’s working through so many emotions before she even arrives. But I don’t want to shut the door on any of his concerns.
“I think the further away we get from everything that’s happened with Miranda and the more memories you make with Livvy, the less you’ll connect them,” I suggest. “But if you start feeling that way, please talk to me about it. I won’t blame you, Daddy. I’ll help.”
He squeezes me. “I know you will, my baby. I do have a lot of worries about this situation but the thing I’m not worried about at all? Talking to you about it. You’ve been so supportive about everything. Thank you, sweetheart. I can’t thank you enough.”
I huggle him for a long time before wriggling back down to the floor and resting my head on his thigh. “Did you want to tell me a good thing?”
He chuckles. “Yes, I got sidetracked in my worries, there, didn’t I? The good thing, other than you because you’re my little wonder, is Mac becoming a member at Blunts. I didn’t realize how alone I’d started to feel there until his membership came down to the vote. I know I’ve got Bull and Maude and Javier in my corner but it’s not the same. I began feeling like it was me against them with all this age-play business. Having Mac in my corner makes all the difference. He’s a ringer. They really have no idea what’s coming for them.”
I rub my cheek against his thigh. “Is age-play still really divisive, Daddy?”
I hate that it is but I’ve come to accept it. Some of the Masters and house submissives won’t ever feel comfortable around me. As Daddy says, that’s on them. I’m living my truth. If they don’t like it, they can stay away from me.
“It is but I think it’s more about change than age-play. I’ve come back to the club and made all of these changes. I got rid of Rachel and shifted the balance of power among the house-submissives. Brenna fell for Mac and resigned. She was a big favorite among the hard sadists, particularly Ten, and he’s struggling to get over her. I’ve reinstated the Monday play nights and organized activities and group scenes that emphasize play rather than punishment. I’ve demanded that age-play be accepted and created the Nursery. I’ve taken back the title of Master of Training. It’s a lot of change in a short time and I’ve been feeling the backlash. But with Mac at my back, it’s just the beginning.”
“Wow, Daddy.” I wrap my arm around his shin and hug his leg. “That is a lot when you put it all together. I’m glad you have Master Mac to support you now. I know you have to keep management committee stuff secret but you can talk to me about your worries, even if you just make it super-vague.”
Daddy chuckles and strokes my head. “I don’t want you to feel left out, sweetie but I also don’t want you to feel resentful toward the members who have opposed me. You doing things like inviting Ten to participate in the Halloween party helps heal the rifts my insistence on change is creating. I need your support just as much as I need Mac’s.”
“You have it, always-always-always, Daddy.”
“Thank you, my baby girl. Should we have five minutes of subbie-Zen? Then I know a little girl who needs her sit-spots revisited with Belphegor, because Daddy neglected them last night.”
He really didn’t. I shift on said achy spots. “Could I just have Belphegor on my boobies instead?” I ask.
Daddy chuckles. No, I didn’t think so.