Chapter 11 Tati
TATI
Two months, five days, and four hours since my unfortunate incarceration. At least I’m kind of in minimum security. I get to leave every so often with my own personal bodyguard in tow, which isn’t nearly as interesting as I originally thought it was going to be.
After that first time at the mall, though, I’ve pretty much communicated with Viktor on a need to know basis. As much as I hate to admit it, his blowing up at me was valid. It’s not even the worst part of that encounter. All I keep thinking about is the fact that he never answered my question.
It’s been bothering me since Marla mentioned it.
The story that I know is that Nicki, who was a notoriously poor driver, had also been drunk when he crashed his car.
I don’t know why I never thought about whether or not Viktor had also been drunk.
I suppose I just took it for granted that they both had to be drunk for it to make sense.
And the more I think about it, the stranger it seems. Viktor’s a paragon of restraint.
I can’t seem to even picture him being drunk in the first place.
The worst thing about it is that I can’t seem to decide which is worse, Viktor being drunk while Nicki was sober or the both of them being sober.
Either way, it doesn’t add up in my mind.
At least I’ve got a break from Viktor these last few days.
I’ve been down with a stomach flu and haven’t exactly been in the mood to leave my bedroom, prison that it is.
I’ve been in bed all morning and save the trays of food that have been brought up to my room, I haven’t had any contact with anybody all week.
You’d think a father would check in on his sick daughter. Or maybe see about taking her to the doctor. I don’t even think he’s troubled himself to find out why I’ve been sequestered to my room all this time.
A knock on my door pulls me out of my daydreams, and I lift my head up just as the door creaks open. The first thing I see is Marla’s rainbow colored waves, then her smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I return her smile and sit up. My stomach lurches and I have to swallow to keep the bile from rising. “Dad let you in?”
She nods. “Yup. He was even kind of nice.”
I chuckle. “That’s new. Guess he has actually noticed that I haven’t been out of my room in a few days. Shock of shocks.”
She comes all the way into the room and closes the door behind her. “Still sick, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Can’t really keep much down.”
I notice that she’s carrying a plastic bag. She walks over and sits on the bed and opens the bag. “Brought you some ginger ale and some of that pink medicine.”
“Thanks.” She pulls the contents out, and I take the can of ginger ale and open it. It’s cool and bubbly as it goes down… My stomach is grateful. “So, how goes everything in the outside world?”
She shrugs. “Same as usual.” She pauses, biting her lip thoughtfully. “You know, I spoke to my attorney again.”
I shake my head quickly. “We can talk about that later.” She nods, understanding my meaning. I don’t know if my father has bugged my room, but I can’t take any chances.
“Right. Um. So, what’s it like being under minimum security?”
I snicker. “It sucks. And really, I think this might be worse than it was. I mean, before I had to worry about sneaking in and out. Now, I have a large man over my shoulder at all times every time I go out. You know, I haven’t been to the mall in two months.
Not since Viktor lost his shit on me that first time. ”
She snickers. “You did ditch him, though. You know your father would probably have his head for losing you in a mall, right?”
I just roll my eyes. She said something to that effect when I first told her what happened. “Yeah, well, now, anytime I ask to go someplace that might be too populated or he could lose sight of me, he vetoes it.”
“Yeah… but you did ditch him, Tati.”
“Okay, okay. I heard you.” I shake my head and sip my ginger ale. “My point is that this is still prison. My leash has just been lengthened a little.”
“You can have company now.”
“That is an upside,” I say with a little laugh. “I swear, if I ever get the chance to, I’m running as far away as I can. Like, all the way to Australia or China or something.” I sip more ginger ale. It really is starting to help. I almost feel like I could get out of bed and get dressed.
“You know the worst part?” I say to her as I set the can of pop on my nightstand. “I never got to get any underwear. I’ve been under lock and key all this time with no bras, no panties. It’s archaic.”
She wrinkles her nose. “Wow. I could never. The chafing must be awful.”
“You have no idea,” I say with a snicker.
“I’ve stopped wearing blue jeans and resorted to yoga pants and sweats.
And all because my father doesn’t know the first thing about what I actually need.
You know, I’ve got, like, no feminine products at all in my bathroom.
I don’t know what I’m going to do when my period comes. ”
Marla’s frown deepens. “You… haven’t had your period yet?”
I shake my head. “I guess it’s the stress of being locked up all this time. My body is rebelling against me.”
I sip my ginger ale, and Marla’s face shifts from mild confusion to… to something else. Fear, perhaps?
“What?”
She takes a moment, biting her lip as if trying to find the right words. “Tati… when you and Viktor, um, out together that one time, you did use raincoats, right?”
I snicker. “What are you talking…?” Then it hits me. The one thing she can’t ask me outright. Not in my father’s house. “Oh, um… oh.”
“So,” Marla says as she stands up quickly, “I just realized I forgot something at the store. Some peppermints? You’re not going anywhere, right?”
I have nothing, so I just shake my head.
“I’ll be right back.”
I nod, and she rushes out. When we were teenagers, there were things that we couldn’t discuss around our parents. Words that my father and her mother might blow their tops if they heard us saying. We replaced most of them with other, more benign things.
Like Peppermint. Code for pregnant.
It takes Marla about twenty minutes to come back with the test. In the meantime, I’d been sitting up in this room going over the potential fallout of a pregnancy.
My father would hit the roof. And murder Viktor.
I don’t even think I would have to tell him he was the father.
Even though he’s only been around me for a few hours at a time, he’s the one man other than Yanov who has the most access to me at the moment, and even he knows Yanov wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole.
Once she arrives, we waste no time in getting me and the test in the bathroom.
After the deed is done, the two of us sit in my bedroom…
and wait. For a few minutes, we’re both stuck because we don’t dare speak the reality of what’s happening aloud.
I cannot risk anyone overhearing a conversation about this.
I nod toward her purse as I reach for my phone. We can text one another. I’m pretty sure my phone is still safe. She gets the message immediately, rushes over to her purse, left discarded on my dresser when she came in, and pulls out her phone.
What the hell am I going to do, Marla? I can’t be pregnant right now.
She reads the message and sighs, then texts back.
Maybe you’re not. We don’t know anything yet.
I read her text and take that in. She’s right. I don’t know anything for sure. Being nauseous and missing my period. That could be stress. It probably is stress. This hasn’t been the easiest two months in the world.
Even though we don’t know anything yet, it might help to talk things out a little. Just to wrap your head around things if the worst happens.
I scowl at her.
I already know what will happen. My father will kill Viktor and stick me in a convent. If I’m pregnant, he can’t know.
She pauses, her fingers tracing the screen for a second. Then,
What about Viktor? Are you going to tell him?
I have to think about that for a second.
I don’t actually know the answer to that.
I don’t know anything about Viktor or whether or not he would want to be a father.
There’s a very real chance that he’ll tell me to abort it.
Of course, I don’t even know if I would disagree with him.
I’m not sure I want to be a mother, either.
I don’t know, I text honestly. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.
Do you want to have this baby, Tati?
I shrug. It’s all I can do. My eyes start to sting, so I swallow to keep the tears away.
I guess I’ll decide once I know one way or the other.
We wait in silence for the rest of the five minutes. When the time is up, both Marla and I just stare at one another, waiting for the other to speak. Finally, Marla says, “Let’s go.”
We both get up and go to the bathroom. I close the door behind me and turn on the fan in the hopes of drowning out any noise we make. The test is sitting on the sink, a little stick with a little window in it. Such a simple, innocent thing that’s about to decide my whole future.
“Okay,” I whisper. “Might as well jump in feet first.” I walk up to the stick and pick it up. The little window has a single word reflecting back at me.
Pregnant.
I cover my mouth to stifle whatever sound is about to come out, then I turn and show Marla. She looks at it and her eyes widen. “What are you going to do? If your father—”
“He won’t know. Whatever happens next, he doesn’t get to know about this. Not now, not ever.”
She nods in understanding. “And… Viktor?”
His reputation suddenly comes to mind. I’ve heard some of my father’s men talk through the thin walls of this house almost all my life about him and what some have called him.
“The Dark Cloud”. I’ve heard people say that he’s the last thing that anyone who ever crosses my father sees.
And if all that wasn’t enough, I got to see a glimpse of that the night he defended my honor.
I’m a little ashamed that it turned me on so much.
Hell, I’m a lot ashamed. The way he came in and beat that guy nearly to death without question, and all for protecting me…
I don’t know what about it got to me. Maybe it was the idea that he was willing to protect me in a way that I haven’t experienced since Nicki died.
I have wondered since that night if my father would have bothered. It’s crazy to say, but there’s a big part of me that believes that he would have just stood by and let me be raped. That’s what you get for being a slut.
Could Viktor be a father to this baby? Is it in him to protect us both? To… love us both?
“I don’t know,” I say aloud. “I don’t… I don’t think so. For now, no one can know, Marla.”
She frowns deeply with disapproval. “You should at least tell Viktor—”
“Nobody can know,” I say, enunciating every word. “I’m so serious right now. This stays between us.”
She rolls her eyes and says, “Okay, but you know you can’t hide this kind of thing forever.”
“I know. Hopefully, by the time I’m showing, I’ll have come up with a plan to leave or… something. I don’t know.”
“So, you are going to keep it, then?”
I have to pause as I realize that it’s not once occurred to me since the moment I found out for sure that I had the option of abortion. I touch my stomach self-consciously. It’s hard to believe there’s even a baby in there at all.
But there is. And God help me, I want to keep it.
“Yeah,” I say. “I guess so.”