Chapter 23
NATALYA
Anton and I haven’t really communicated since that day he took the phone out of my room, not that that’s especially hard to do in this house. He wasn’t kidding about needing a map to move around. I’ve gotten lost twice in the last couple of days. Some of these hallways are like a maze.
The night after our big fight, I decided to see if I can find another bedroom.
Somewhere farther away where I didn’t have to see the light under his door at night and wonder what he’s doing up.
Through this house, I walked the halls. I managed to find a sauna, a home gym, a library with books that went all the way up to a cathedral style ceiling.
I spent a little while in there. It seemed like every book in the world was in that room.
I also happened upon a room that seemed to be some kind of sitting room.
On the walls were all these portraits of old men in suits, staring out at me with humorless faces.
I pause on one that I vaguely recognize.
He’s a handsome man with silver hair and a beard.
The tie he’s wearing is as silver as his hair and embroidered with a diamond pattern.
I think it was Maksim. I’ve only ever seen him once or twice and it was probably at some family event.
Maybe even that fateful sweet sixteen where I first laid eyes on Anton.
He looks like all the other men, except his eyes are soft…
almost kind. They’re dark and turn down at the ends, as if he’s sad or maybe just empathetic.
Since I’ve seen that portrait, I’ve been wondering about the man who raised Anton.
He was a Pakhan like my father, like Anton, like the man who probably wants me dead.
I don’t imagine that the he tossed the ball around in the yard or whatever else normal fathers do with their sons.
The life lessons he gave Anton had to do with grooming him to become the man he is now.
It makes me wonder, even now, what kind of person he was.
Was he married or was he the kind of man like many Bratva that I’ve known?
Someone who had plenty of notches in his bedpost and very few real, lasting relationships?
That kind of man wouldn’t be able to show Anton how to love… or how to be a father one day.
From that room, I got lost for a little bit, ended up in a small atrium with dying plants that looked like they haven’t been cared for since… well, probably since Anton’s mentor died. Eventually, I found my way out of there and then back up to my room.
And at least for the last twenty-four hours, I’ve opted for staying either in my room or in the living room, just to keep myself from being overwhelmed…
or lost again. Though I find myself thinking about that sitting room and about the atrium when it’s too quiet and I can’t sleep.
There are mysteries here that I will probably never solve.
At dinner tonight, we barely spoke. He asked me if I liked the food and I said yes and outside of a few casual pass the salt type statements, it was a quiet dinner between us.
I would like to say that it doesn’t bother me, that it’s for the best and all that, but I don’t feel like it is.
As much as I hate to say it, I miss connecting with him.
Also… something seems to be on his mind.
I don’t know how to explain how I know, but he seems really preoccupied with something.
It might be me and this situation that we’re in, but it could very well be some complicated Bratva shit.
Whatever it is, I’m not privy to it. And maybe I shouldn’t be, anyway.
Now it’s late and I’m in bed and everything is just too quiet… and I’m thinking about him.
This is crazy, how I feel about him. And late at night is the worst. My body yearns for him in the wee hours of the night.
I miss how it feels to be caught up in his muscular arms, my head on his chest. God, is there anything more to this than just my being horny?
Don’t I want him for reasons other than sex?
The minute that question comes up, the pro and con list runs through my mind.
The way he pulls out my chair and opens my door.
The passion burning behind his eyes whenever I’ve managed to divert his attention from something he’s focused on.
The way he touches the small of my back when I pass him by…
And that chess game. I liked learning about the game.
Better than that, I liked how he was teaching me about it.
The way the pieces moved, the importance of a move every time I went to touch a piece.
I smile in the darkness when I think about how he thought I was hustling him.
I wasn’t. He just made learning the game easy.
He seems to make everything easy when he wants to.
I like him. I truly do. Maybe a little more than like, actually. He’s endeared himself to me in a way that I’ve never experienced. Not even with Andrei. It was a whole semester before we even held hands.
I wrap my arms around my belly as I think that through a little more. As much trouble as I’ve caused him about this whole phone thing, he’s still determined to keep me safe. He’s gone out of his way for it, in fact. And despite it all, I have to admit, I enjoy the feeling of being protected by him.
He said he would burn down the city to protect me… and God help me, I do believe he meant that. No one has ever had that kind of commitment to me before. Not even my father.
Ugh, what a terrible thought. Not even my father? Is that where I am right now?
I guess it is. My father thinks I killed his wife just by existing.
I don’t want to leave. That’s the long and short of this, I guess. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or the day after that. I don’t now if I’m going to be here for another week or for the next six months. All I know is that right now, I don’t want to go. I want to stay with Anton.
There’s a knock at the door. I glance at the clock on my nightstand. It’s nearly midnight. I sit up and say, “Yes?”
“May I come in?” Anton asks.
I get out of bed and unlock the door. It opens and he steps in. His eyes move down to the nightshirt I’m wearing, then darts back up to my face.
“I’m sorry if I woke you,” he says. “I need to let you know of some developments.”
“Okay.”
“Things have changed. The men that I thought were responsible for Maksim’s death may be innocent. I’m currently investigating the matter.”
I nod. Interesting.
“In light of that, tomorrow morning, I’ll be telling my men to pause our activities. In the meantime…” He looks away from me, straightening up and stuffing his hands in his pockets. “In the meantime, you’re free to go after the meeting adjourns.”
He’s not looking at me. He’s looking over my head, around the room. Why isn’t he looking at me?
“Just like that?” I say. “What about my being a witness to what happened and all that? I mean, you said that you’re still investigating.”
“I’m investigating the matter of Maksim’s death. As for you… I don’t believe the Amur know anything about you or what you witnessed.”
“What if you’re wrong? I mean, someone could still try and hurt me.”
Now, he meets my eyes. “No one will touch you. I’ll make sure of that regardless of where you are.”
My heart leaps and sinks all at once. He’s asking me to leave. It’s clearly the right thing to do. Why don’t I think he really wants me to go?
“What if I don’t want to go?”
He takes a breath and says, “It’s not a good idea, Natalya.
There are pieces moving that even I didn’t see and it almost got you killed despite every effort I made to keep you safe.
The way Kat came in here while I was gone…
” He looks away again, down at his hands.
“I’m sorry for blowing up at you yesterday and all the times before.
I treated you like you were my prisoner when you have never been that. I should have been kinder to you.”
I’m speechless. I didn’t think Anton was the kind of guy who apologized for anything. I honestly don’t know how to take this or whether or not I should object.
“The meeting is early,” he says. “Eight a.m. I don’t expect it to go on very long, so when it’s over, I’ll come get you and escort you to wherever you’d like to be.”
It occurs to me to tell him about the baby. I don’t know why it’s suddenly popped into my mind. I still feel the same way I have since the beginning. This baby is mine and it’s on me to protect it.
My hand automatically travels to my stomach and my lips seal shut. If I stay, I’ll have to tell him. What will happen then? If I go, then he never has to know.
He steps away from me and says, “Sleep well, and I’ll speak with you in the morning.”
He leaves. I stand here in the dim light of this room. My freedom is at hand. I can go stay with Ilya just like I was debating on doing. And really, he’s right. It would be for the best if I left.
It would be… definitely…
I go back to bed and as I drift off to sleep, I dream of him, of sleeping in his arms safe and warm as the storm rages outside…
I’ve been looking at the clock every few minutes as I pack the suitcase. These clothes aren’t exactly mine, but I don’t imagine he’ll have any use for them. Plus, they’re really nice. He won’t mind if I take them with me.
The meeting will probably be over soon and then he’ll come up here and take me away.
If I still want to go…
Who am I kidding? He’s right. He can’t watch me twenty-four, seven.
He can’t control everything despite his need to protect me.
I need to take this offer and go back to my life.
When I get back to Ilya’s, I’ll probably need to find a new job.
I’ve been gone without so much as a phone call for the better part of this week.
Even if the diner does take me back, I should probably consider working somewhere else where I’m not so easily found by my father.
And if he comes back to Ilya’s house…? It might be worse this time because Ilya will know where I am. If he doesn’t believe her—
I slam my hands down on the pile of clothes before me. This is insane. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.
No, you’re not. Anton doesn’t want you to stay, so you have to go.
That’s not true. I saw it in his eyes. He wants me here just as badly as I want to stay. What am I doing?
A knock at my door draws my attention. I look up just as the door opens and Anton walks in.
“Time to go.”
I freeze. Close the suitcase and let’s go. This adventure is over, Natalya.
He tilts his head, his eyes looking down at the suitcase. “Don’t worry about the clothes,” he says. “They’re yours. You can take them all, if you like.”
He’s making this so easy. I don’t even have to say anything to him. I can just close the suitcase and follow him out. It’s so fucking easy.
So, why aren’t I moving?
“Natalya?”
I sigh and silently say goodbye to the idea of living on my own and always looking over my shoulder for my father. He’ll never forgive me for sleeping with Anton, and unless I can get away from him for good, he’ll always be looking to punish me for it one way or the other.
“I want to stay.” I say it without looking at him. I’m still looking at the neatly folded clothes in the suitcase.
“We went over this last night—”
“I don’t care,” I say. I ground myself, standing firm in my shoes, and I look up at him. “I don’t want to leave. And I don’t think you want me to go.”
He just stares. His eyes dart over my face, trying to figure this out. “This isn’t a game, Natalya,” he says with a frown. “Your father is already upset about your being missing. It doesn’t make sense for you to be here anymore.”
“I. Don’t. Care. I’m not leaving.” The tone in my voice is effecting him. I can see he wants to respond, wants to bend his will to me. Instead, he breaks eye contact and looks up at the wall above and behind me.
“This isn’t up for debate,” he says. “Close the suitcase and let’s go.”
I stare at him. I could push it. The line in the sand is always drawn between us, it seems, and I am habitually stepping over it.
“Tell me you don’t want me here,” I say. He blinks as he turns his gaze to me.
“What?”
“You heard me. You’ve said a lot of things about what you should and shouldn’t do, but not once have to said that you don’t want me here. So, tell me you don’t want me anymore. Say that and I’ll leave.”
He clenches his jaw. “Why are you making this harder than it has to be? Yesterday, you were so hellbent on talking to your friend. I’m taking you to her now. I’m giving you what you want.”
“How do you know what I want? You haven’t asked me. You have no idea what I want.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “I don’t have time for games, Natalya.”
“Neither do I.” I walk up to him, standing in his space, smelling his rough, musky scent. “Tell me you don’t want me, Anton. Look me in my eyes and say it. That’s all you have to do.”
He doesn’t look at me and he doesn’t speak. I reach down to his pants, pressing my hand against the bulge just behind the fabric of his slacks. He grunts and I feel his cock stir under my touch.
“Say you don’t want it,” I whisper, turning my mouth up to his. “Say you don’t want me.”
A slow smile spreads across his face and he grabs my wrists, pinning them behind my back. I’m thrust against him as he holds me.
“I want you,” he growls. “More than anything.”
“Then do something about it.”
“This is about more than sex, Devushka.”
“Yes, it is.” His hot breath in my face as he speaks to me in that low baritone voice… “You’re my protector, my lover, the only person I feel safe with. You’re all I want. Don’t let me go, Anton.”
“You can’t understand what you’re asking for,” he says breathlessly. “Being with me is dangerous. Don’t you get that yet?”
“Being without you is worse.” I lock eyes with him, doing my best to lean against him despite the fact that he’s holding me firm. “Please, Daddy. Don’t make me leave.”
That got him. He closes his eyes and turns his head away from me as I say ‘Daddy’. He might be holding my arms, but he’s also melting around me.
“You’re going to be the death of me, Little One,” he says as he kisses me. His lips touch mine and everything falls away. I’m lost in the caress of his tongue against mine, the soft scraping of his teeth against my lip. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I do him right now.