Chapter 5 #2
I’m rendered speechless by his words. He is exactly right.
My bedroom, my entire apartment is my safe haven from the outside world.
It’s where I allow myself to be me. Somedays that’s big Chloe playing with her vibrator after reading a sex scene in one of my romance novels and other times it’s little Chloe cuddled up with all my animals watching princess movies.
Tyler pulls me into his arms for a tight hug before releasing me. "Come on. Let's eat. Then we'll talk."
We settle on my couch with containers of Pad Thai and spring rolls spread across the coffee table.
"This is amazing," I say around a mouthful of noodles. "How did you know Thai is my favorite?"
"You mentioned it three weeks ago. You were telling a customer about a food tour you wanted to take and how Thai would be your first stop."
"You remember that?"
"I remember everything about you." He takes a bite of his own food.
"So, last night made me realize we needed to have a deeper talk about our dynamic. What we both want and what boundaries we need to set. I haven’t given you any real rules and I corrected your attitude a few times yesterday.
I know you were really tired from having to get up early and open but I also think you might have been testing me to see what I would do.
Testing is very much a normal part of this dynamic, but I think we should be very clear moving forward. "
My stomach flutters with nerves. "Okay."
"I've been doing some thinking about what kind of structure would work best for you and what rules would help you take better care of yourself without feeling controlling."
"And?"
"I have some ideas. But I need you to be honest with me about whether they work for you. This only functions if we're both getting what we need."
"I'll be honest. I promise."
He sets down his food and turns to face me fully.
"Rule one: Three meals a day. And, I mean, real meals with protein and vegetables, not just coffee and pastries.
You can have treats, but not as meal replacements.
" He’s seen me when my blood sugar crashes and the way my energy is directly related to the food I consume.
"Okay. That's reasonable."
"Rule two: The shop closes at your scheduled time unless there's a genuine emergency. No staying late just to avoid going home to an empty apartment. You’ll go to bed at a reasonable time and or take naps when you have to be up early to open the shop."
I flinch because he's absolutely right, that's exactly what I do. I’ve been known to stay there until almost midnight just to avoid coming home.
"How did you know?"
"I’ve driven by at night and seen the lights on and you sitting at a table.
Because I used to do the same thing. Work became easier than dealing with loneliness.
After my divorce, coming home to a house that had previously been filled with noise from the children and my wife.
.. was hard. But that's not healthy long-term. "
"What changed for you?"
"Therapy. And realizing that avoiding feelings doesn't make them go away, it just makes them build up until they explode." His hand finds mine. "You don't have to be lonely anymore, Chloe. You have me, the girls in your book club and people like Jess, who care about you."
My throat tightens. "Okay. I'll try to close on time."
"Good. Rule three: You'll check in with me at least once a day, letting me know how you're doing. I want to know if you're stressed or overwhelmed or need support. This text will be different than our normal texts, it will be a wellness check-in."
"What if I forget?"
"Then I'll remind you. But if you consistently forget, we'll need to talk about why. Whether you're avoiding vulnerability or if the rule needs adjustment and if you are avoiding or intentionally breaking the rule, you’ll have consequences."
"That's fair."
"Rule four: You'll be honest with me about your feelings, even when it's hard, or if you're scared I'll judge you or leave." His eyes are intense on mine. "I can't take care of you properly if I don't know what you're feeling."
"What if my feelings are messy or irrational?"
"Then they're messy or irrational. But they're still valid and worthy of being heard.
" He squeezes my hand. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I won’t leave you if things get hard or if you're struggling. I'm here for all of it. I’ll help you work through the hard, if I can’t fix it, I’ll carry some of it for you. "
"I'm not used to that level of care.”
"Then get used to it. Because I'm not like other people." He squeezes my hand. "Now. Rule five is the big one. The one we need to talk about extensively before we implement it."
My pulse quickens. "What is it?"
"You use your safeword when you need to. You don’t withhold it out of fear of disappointing me.”
“I can do that.” I might feel the need to push myself, but I know I’d use it if I really felt I was in danger or overwhelmed.
“Now if you consistently break the rules, if you're not taking care of yourself despite reminders and conversations there will be consequences."
"What kind of consequences?"
"That depends on what you respond to and what you need to process and reset." He pauses. "Some littles need time-outs. Corner time to think about their choices, like yesterday. I will often use this as a reset of sorts. It’s a good middle ground for when you are starting to tiptoe over the line but haven’t quite jumped it. Then, there is loss of privileges. This might be no screen time, including your Kindle, or treats.”
I gasp. “Daddy! No Kindle? That’s… that’s barbaric! That’s… you can’t possibly take away my books.”
“Well, if you really love reading and you’ve been especially naughty, I might send you to bed early with no phone, e-reader or books.”
I cover my mouth with my hand and shake my head. “I’ll never be that naughty!”
“Discipline is supposed to be a reminder on how to behave. And then, if those don’t work, you might need something more physical. Sometimes it’s what helps you let go of guilt and start fresh."
"You’re talking about spanking."
"Yes, spanking. But only if that's something you want to explore."
I think about the books I've read. The scenes where the Daddy corrects his Little with a firm hand and clear expectations. How the Little feels lighter afterward. Forgiven. Free. And how I get turned on every time I read a spanking scene. Sometimes, I flip straight to them in the books before I’ve read anything else.
"I think I want to try it," I whisper.
“Yesterday, the couple of times I gave you a swat, I noticed your breathing catching and the way you blushed.” Tyler's expression doesn't change, but I see something flash in his eyes. "Tell me why you want to try spanking."
"Because I carry guilt like a weight. When I mess up or don't meet expectations, I spiral.
I can't let it go. I’ve always been that way.
Guilt eats at me and I struggle with it sometimes for months if not years.
" I still can recall the times I disappointed my parents or messed up at a job or hurt a friend and I still beat myself up. Those situations replay in my head. The times I’ve said the wrong thing at the wrong time.
My voice cracks. "Reading about discipline, seeing how it gives the characters closure, it made sense to me.
Like maybe that's what I need. A clear consequence and then it's over. Forgiven and forgotten. A clean slate."
"That's exactly what discipline is for. As my little, when I discipline you, it’s not punishment, it’s correction.
A spanking from me will be a way to process what you did, remind you not to do it again, help you let go, and move us forward.
" He tilts my chin up. "But I need you to understand something. If we do this, it will hurt. Not unbearably, but enough that you feel it. Enough that it registers emotionally as well as physically. A discipline spanking isn’t going to tickle, sweetheart. It will hurt."
"I understand."
"And you'll use your safe words if it's too much. Remember, that’s a rule. If I push too hard or cross a line, you’ll say red and I’ll stop immediately. If you feel like you are getting close to needing to use it, you say yellow and I’ll know to slow down and communicate more."
"I will."
"Promise me, Chloe. This only works if you communicate. If you trust me enough to tell me when something doesn't feel right."
"I promise. Red means stop. Yellow means slow down. Green means keep going." I try not to roll my eyes, but we’ve been over this. I know he’s big on consent but sheesh, I get it already.
"Good girl." He pulls me into his lap, and I curl against his chest. His hand strokes my hair. "There's no timeline here, sweetheart. We move at your pace. When you are ready for sex and spanking, you let me know."
"What if I'm never ready?" I ask even though I know it’s not going to be an issue. I’ve already closed my eyes and masturbated to thoughts of him more times than I’m willing to admit. And spanking? I’m somewhere between anticipation and dread over it.
"Then we don't do it. Simple as that. My goal is to take care of you in whatever way you need. If that doesn't include physical discipline or sex, that's fine."
I burrow closer to him. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being patient and making me feel safe enough to explore this."
"Always." He presses a kiss to the top of my head. "Now. How about we watch something? Something light and fun that lets you relax."
"Can we watch Tangled?"
"The one with the long-haired princess?"
"Rapunzel. And yes. It's one of my favorites."
"Then that's what we're watching." He shifts us so we're both comfortable on the couch, me tucked against his side.
I grab Mr. Snuggles and the new kitten plushie he gave me, settling them in my lap.
Tyler doesn't comment on it. Doesn't make me feel childish or silly. He just pulls the blanket over both of us and starts the movie.
Halfway through, I realize I'm sucking my thumb.
I jerk it out of my mouth, mortified. "Sorry. I didn't—I don't usually—"
"Hey." His voice is gentle. "Don't apologize. If that's something that comforts you, it's okay."
"It's babyish."
"It's self-soothing. There's a difference." He guides my thumb back to my mouth. "If it makes you feel safe and relaxed, do it. I'm not judging you."
"Really?"
"Really. You're allowed to be little with me, sweetheart. All the parts of yourself that you usually hide. I want to see them. Know them. Love them."
"You don't even know me that well yet."
"I know enough. And I'm falling for you. Hard." He tilts my face up. "Is that too fast? Too intense?"
"No. Because I'm falling too."
His kiss is soft and sweet and tastes like a promise of things to come.
When we break apart, I settle back against his chest, thumb in my mouth, stuffed animals in my lap.
We finish the movie, and Tyler doesn't make any moves to leave.
"Do you want to stay?" I ask quietly. "Not for…I mean, just to sleep. If you want."
"I'd love to stay. But I should warn you, I snore."
"Mr. Snuggles snores too. I'm used to it."
He laughs, and the sound fills my small apartment with warmth. "Then I'll stay. Let me just grab my go-bag from the truck."
While he's gone, I change into pajamas, choosing pink cotton shorts and a matching tank top with little clouds on them.
When Tyler returns, he takes one look at me and groans.
"What?" I ask, suddenly self-conscious.
"Nothing. You're just... adorable. Too adorable for my sanity." He sets his bag down. "Mind if I use your bathroom to change?"
"Go ahead."
He emerges a few minutes later in gray sweatpants and a black t-shirt, and oh my God.
How is it possible for a man to look that good in something so simple?
"You're staring," he says, amused.
"You're wearing gray sweatpants. That's basically cheating."
"Cheating how?"
"Never mind." I climb into bed, patting the space beside me. "Come on. I'm tired."
He slides in beside me, and immediately I curl into him, seeking his warmth.
"Comfortable?" he asks.
"Very. Is this okay? I'm kind of a cuddler."
"It's more than okay. I like knowing you feel safe enough to get close." His arm comes around me. "Sleep, sweetheart. I've got you."
I'm drifting off when he speaks again.
"Chloe?"
"Mm?"
"Thank you for letting me in and for showing me the real you. It means everything to me."
"Thank you for not running away screaming into the night."
"Never. You're stuck with me now."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
I fall asleep with Tyler's heartbeat steady under my ear and Mr. Snuggles tucked between us.