Chapter 4 #2
I have never thought about it in those words. But as soon as he says them I know the answer with a certainty that has nothing to do with our walk tonight, the romance of the mountains, the warmth of the hot chocolate or any of the things I might blame later if I needed to.
Yes. That is exactly what I'm looking for.
"I think so," I say, which is less than the truth but more than I'm ready to say out loud.
He nods, like that's enough for now. Like he can hear the rest of what I meant even though I didn’t say the words out loud. Like he can read my mind.
I think he probably can.
We walk back slowly.
The resort has gone quieter, the employees and their preview day guests gone, just the lights and the staff moving in the warm golden windows.
Our footsteps on the path are the loudest thing.
At some point, and I can't say exactly when, his hand brushes mine as we walk.
Not quite holding. Just a brush, fingers against fingers in the cold air.
He doesn't move away.
I don't either.
We walk like that all the way back to the lodge entrance, hands almost-but-not-quite touching, and I am so aware of those few millimeters of almost, that I'm barely breathing.
At the door he stops and looks down at me, and there's a moment, a long one, the kind that stretches, where I think, something is going to happen. He looks at me like he’s trying to figure out his next move, and I swear my heart stops beating.
I want him to kiss me. I do. Is he worried about the age difference?
Does he think it won’t go anywhere because I’m leaving in a few days?
Is he super into consent? Which I already assume he is…
so do I need to make the first step? I’m considering doing just that when he talks.
"Thursday," he says.
"Thursday," I confirm.
"Eight AM. Dress for cold weather and dirty animals."
"I'll figure out the cute barn outfit."
He smiles and it reaches his eyes and does something to the lines around them, and I am completely unprepared for how damn sexy he is.
"Goodnight, Maya Daniels," he says.
He says my full name again. Every time he says it I feel like he's testing it out or memorizing it. Perhaps both?
"Goodnight, Anthony."
He holds the door.
I go in.
I make it approximately eight steps down the corridor before I stop and lean against the wall and press the back of my head against the warm wood paneling and just breathe for a moment.
I am in so, so much trouble.
MAYA: Okay I need the group chat to be awake right now.
LILY: It's 10:30pm we're always awake.
EMILY: What happened???
MAYA: We did the night walk thing together.
MAYA: Just the two of us, the travel writers left.
MADISON: MAYA!
MAYA: We sat at the overlook and talked for like an hour.
CHLOE: Talked about WHAT?
MAYA: My business, his ranch and past relationships.
HOLLY: He asked about your past relationships?
MAYA: I asked about his first. He's never been married. He said he was looking for someone he could take care of who actually lets him.
LILY: ...
EMILY: ...
AMBER: ...
MADISON: She's dead. She's actually dead.
HOLLY: MAYA.
MAYA: I know.
HOLLY: That's a DADDY DOM thing!
MAYA: I know that, Holly.
CHLOE: Does she know that?
MAYA: I READ THE BOOKS. I'm in the BOOK CLUB.
EMILY: Reading it and living it are different situations.
LILY: What did you say when he said that?
MAYA: I said 'that's very specific'.
MADISON: Girl
MAYA: I know. I KNOW.
HOLLY: Did he walk you in?
MAYA: He held the door.
HOLLY: Did he touch you?
MAYA: Our hands. Almost. On the walk back. Not quite holding
just…
MAYA: Just almost?
LILY: The ALMOST.
EMILY: I need to sit down and I'm already sitting down.
AMBER: The almost is worse than holding.
MAYA: I know.
HOLLY: Thursday is going to change your life.
MAYA: Please stop being right about everything.
HOLLY: I can't help it, it's a gift.
MAYA: Did you know he was a Daddy? Is that why you want us to get together?
HOLLY: Who said I want you to get together?
MAYA: Holly!
HOLLY: I mean no, he’s never come out and said it to me. I’ve noticed things…
MAYA: I’ve noticed things too. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about things I’ve noticed.
CHLOE: Get some sleep.
CHLOE: Or try to sleep.
CHLOE: At least think about sleeping.
MAYA: Goodnight. I hate all of you.
EMILY: No she doesn't.
LILY: She really doesn't.
I don't sleep for a long time. I’m too busy thinking about things.
I lie in the dark in my snow globe suite with the cashmere blanket and the mountain view and I think about all of it.
I think about the almost-touch and the way he asked what the gap was between what the content earns and what I need, like a person who solves problems instead of just acknowledging them.
There’s a place for both, I suppose. Someone who just listens and someone who solves.
I want a Daddy who knows the difference and when to apply each listening technique and I know he’s the type that can differentiate between when I need him to solve my problems and when I need him to hold me and just listen.
I think about the sound of his voice in the cold air saying, someone I can take care of, who actually lets me. Would I let him? God, yes.
And that scares the hell out of me because I've just met him. By every reasonable standard, he should still be a stranger. But none of that seems to matter.
Because I know.
I know in the deepest part of myself, in the quiet place that never doubts, never questions. The same place that knows I need oxygen to breathe, that gravity will keep my feet on the ground, that the earth keeps turning whether I believe it will or not.
And that part of me is certain of him.
It's ridiculous. Reckless. Maybe even a little insane. But every instinct I have whispers the same undeniable truth.
He's supposed to be mine.
I don’t know how I know but I just know.
I think about the fact that I've read every book in the club's catalog.
I know the dynamic. I know what it is and what it isn't and why the women who find it feel found by it.
I've always read those books with a part of myself that I never looked at too directly, a quiet recognizing part that said yes and then didn't say anything else. Just yes. That’s all that needed to be said.
Yes, I am a little.
Just like I’m a brunette.
Just like I’m five foot two.
It’s as certain as certain gets.
And a little needs a Daddy. Not just a partner, but a Daddy. Without one? She’ll never be complete or happy.
I pull the blanket tighter and look at the dark mountains and think: two more days until Thursday. Until I see him again. The man I know is going to be my Daddy… at least, I hope so.
It feels like a long time.
It also feels like not enough.