Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Corvus
Hudson sat on one of the loungers on the back patio. He looked up at me when I stepped out, immediately homing in on the animal crackers in my hand.
“You sharing?” he asked.
“Fuck no. Mommy got these for me,” I scoffed, slipping up and using her title before I could even think about what I was saying. I was trying to take this one step at a time, but there wasn’t much I could do about that now. I dropped into the lounger next to him.
“You got another one of those?” I nodded at the blunt between his fingertips.
Wordlessly, he reached into his pocket and slipped out a clear tube, passing it to me, along with his lighter.
I lit up, then deeply inhaled, allowing the smoke to settle deep in my lungs.
“Mommy…” Hudson finally mused, looking up at the sky.
“I always knew you were submissive. Just never said anything because I wasn’t sure if you’d discovered it about yourself yet, and it wasn’t my place to suggest anything to you.
But I definitely didn’t peg you as the type to want a Mommy and Daddy. ”
I scowled at him. “Don’t be a dick.”
Hudson huffed a laugh. “I’m not. Fucking swear, bro.
I’m just surprised, is all. Remember, I don’t care what your happiness looks like, so long as you’re happy.
That’s all I want. You’ve been through goddamn enough.
” He shook his head. “Fuck, bro, we both have. We deserve to have everything we fucking want, don’t we? ”
“Maybe.” I shrugged. “You do, definitely.”
He scoffed. “So do you, dumbass. Don’t go doing that to yourself.” He looked over at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I ripped open the animal crackers, avoiding his gaze, though I could feel him staring at the side of my face. “What? About the flashbacks?”
“No, fuckhead.”
I snorted a laugh.
“Kreed already had suspicions. We were just waiting on you to come to us, you stubborn ass.”
I rolled my eyes and shoved an animal cracker into my mouth, crunching loudly.
“I mean, why didn’t you tell me about your parents? About all of it? Why would you fucking hide that from me, Corvus?”
I hated the hurt in his voice. He was trying to hide it, but he was failing.
I finished chewing and sighed. “Because I let it happen, Hudson. That’s a lot different than it just happening to me. I can’t stomach the thought of you thinking differently of me.”
“Thinking differently of you…” Hudson’s voice trailed off, and then, he jerked to his feet, making me jump in surprise. Shaking his head, he paced to the end of the patio and back. He repeated the motion again, then stopped right in front of me. “I want to punch you in the fucking face.”
I blanched. “What?”
“You are fucking stupid, you know that? You were solely looking for a way to make shit easier on yourself, you fucking dimwit. That’s all.
I would never think differently of you for just trying to fucking survive, Corvus.
Shit, we were both just trying to survive shitty situations.
After what happened to me, you really thought I’d somehow think differently of you?
We could’ve dealt with this a long time ago if you’d just come to me.
Or fuck, just gone to Kreed. It didn’t even have to be me, Corvus. ”
I scrubbed at my forehead before lifting the blunt to my lips.
“It didn’t feel like that to me,” I muttered. “I felt like I asked for it. Like because I went to them willingly, I was okay with it.”
Hudson finally dropped back onto his seat.
“If it were me, would you think the same?” he asked.
My eyes widened, and I quickly shook my head.
“Because I kept coming back home during school breaks instead of taking Kreed’s offer to live in an apartment somewhere, was I somehow okay with what my mom did to me?”
“What—no!” I exclaimed. “Christ, no, Hudson. That’s different, though.”
“How the fuck is it different, Corvus?” Hudson demanded.
“It’s the same, is it not? I continuously went back home where I knew I’d run into her, so doesn’t that make me somehow at fault for what happened to me?
I stayed at home that day instead of going with Kreed, despite knowing she’d more than likely show up, and I nearly died. Am I at fault for that, too?”
What the fuck? “No, you’re missing what I’m saying—”
“I’m not,” Hudson interrupted. “I’m literally repeating what the fuck you said to me. You see how much it doesn’t fucking make sense, Corvus?”
I swallowed thickly, feeling like I was crawling out of my skin.
“It’s the fucking same,” he repeated. “Becoming adults doesn’t somehow mean we can’t be abused, Corvus.
You traded your bodily autonomy for a few months of peace.
Just because you knew they would drug you doesn’t somehow mean you fucking consented to anything that happened to you.
Being bribed with a few months of peace doesn’t somehow mean clear consent, Corvus. You did not fucking consent.”
My hand shook as I lifted the blunt back to my lips for another hit.
“It doesn’t feel that way,” I finally rasped.
“I know.” Hudson sighed. “For the longest time, I stayed up late at night wondering what I could’ve done differently to save you and Kreed from seeing me nearly fucking dead. I wondered why I stayed home when I knew she’d try some dumb, unhinged bullshit. I spiraled a fucking lot.”
“I didn’t know,” I said quietly.
Hudson nodded. “I know. You were having nightmares. I didn’t want to worry you more. Kreed helped me through it all. But now, I wonder if I’d just opened up to you about that night, maybe you would’ve opened up to me, too, and some of this could have been avoided.”
I shook my head. “I know I wouldn’t have opened up,” I confessed. “Because I wouldn’t want to burden you—”
“I fucking hate that goddamn word,” Hudson snapped, interrupting me.
“Stop using it. You’re not a fucking burden, Corvus.
You’ve never been a goddamn burden.” He spat the word like it disgusted him.
“You’re my brother. My fucking family.” He gripped the back of my neck and brought our foreheads together.
“Us against the fucking world, remember?”
My throat closed up, and tears threatened. We’d made that promise as mere little kids who were broken and struggling and only had each other to lean on.
“Us against the fucking world,” I croaked.
Hudson nodded. “Promise me when you’re struggling, you’ll come to me?” he asked. “And I’ll do the same. We won’t do this again. I thought something happened to you last night, Corvus. You scared the fucking shit out of me.”
I sighed as he released me. “Yeah,” I rasped. “I’m really sorry about the disappearing act. I just…”
“Spiraled,” Hudson finished for me. “I get it.”
I chuckled. “I’m getting punished for it later, I think. Amongst other reasons.”
Hudson smirked. “Kinky.”
I laughed and flipped him the bird. “Fuck you.”
He stole one of my animal crackers. “Not my type, bro.”