Chapter 53
Cash was finding it hard to come back into himself.
This always happened when it came to the more unsavory things that he had to do. He retreated to protect himself. Ralen knew and usually gave him some space. Although it wasn’t always possible to do that.
He knew from the concerned looks that Addie was giving him that she was worried about him. He wanted to reassure her that he was all right, but he couldn’t seem to do it.
They decided against going back to the girls’ house, and Dotty booked them into a hotel instead.
They all trudged into the room. It was the penthouse with three bedrooms. “There’s a sofa bed as well,” Dotty said. “I thought that maybe we wouldn’t want to be alone. I don’t know, but I prefer you all here. Is that all right?”
Dotty was looking shaken. He wanted to say something to reassure her, but nothing came to him.
So he simply grunted.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Ralen said. “It’s for the best. Why don’t you go have a shower, all of you? How many bathrooms does this place have?”
“There should be three, one for each bedroom. I’m going to take this bedroom, all right?” Dotty disappeared into the closest bedroom and Addie thought that she should go after her.
“I’ll share a room with Dotty,” Monroe said, following her sister.
Ralen glanced over at Cash. “I’m going to have a shower. Then I’ll call up for some food and drinks.”
Cash nodded.
And then it was just him and Addie standing in the living room. He stared at the sofa bed. “I’ll take the sofa. You go take the last bedroom.”
“Oh, I thought . . .” she trailed off.
He stared at her for a long moment until he realized that she wasn’t going to say anything else.
“What did you think?” he asked gruffly.
Her face grew red. “That you’d maybe stay in the bedroom. With me.”
He shook his head. “Not a good idea.”
“Oh.” Her gaze lowered and he hated that. Her shoulders curved in as though she was trying to make herself smaller.
And he hated even more that he was the one hurting her.
“That’s okay. I get it,” she said. “You don’t want to be in a bed with me yet.”
“It’s not that,” he said.
Her head rose, her eyes hitting his. “Then what is it?”
“Jesus, baby. You don’t think I want you?
I want you so much that it hurts. And that’s why I should sleep out here.
I’m not myself right now, and I’m not going to be myself for a while.
I’m someone else. I’m who I need to be when there are things to do that I need to get done and don’t want to think about.
I shut down the rest of me to do those things.
I’m not a nice guy right now. I’m not your Daddy or your Cash.
I’m the Cash who operates on the wrong side of the law.
Get me? And I’m trying to protect you from that Cash. ”
“But what if I don’t want to be protected from you, Cash?” she said. “What if I want to know all sides of you?”
He shook his head. “I can’t guarantee that I’ll keep my hands off you. And I’m not taking you for the first time like this. Is it your first time, baby?”
She grimaced. “Yes, but it’s not a big deal.”
Cash raised his eyebrows. “How is that not a big deal?”
“Because I just don’t think it is. I think it’s embarrassing to get to my age and never have sex. Mind you, I could hardly ever talk to men, so it’s no surprise. Who wants someone who can barely speak?”
“I don’t know. I think you’d be surprised by how many people would like that.”
Was he making a joke? Was he coming back to her?
Relief filled her. It wasn’t that she’d been scared of dark Cash. It was just, well, she didn’t want him to be like that all the time. Mostly, she was scared for him.
Addie held out her hand to him. “Please come sleep with me. We can just sleep if you want.”
“That won’t be happening if I come into that bed with you. Go have a shower, baby.”
Disappointment flooded her, but she nodded and walked away.
Cash took a gulp of his beer as he sat on the balcony of the hotel room. He’d grabbed a quick shower in Ralen’s bathroom while the other man had been making a call. The sliding door opened and Ralen stepped out.
He had a beer with him. There was also food on the table, but the girls hadn’t made an appearance.
“What are you doing out here?” Ralen asked. “Why aren’t you in with Addie?”
“Need some time to come down,” Cash said.
Or maybe it was come up from the depths of hell he’d sunk to.
It wasn’t that he felt guilty over what he’d had to do tonight.
That guy deserved it. However, that didn’t make it easier, and he still had to set aside the part of Cash that was a brother and a friend and a Daddy, and become ruthless Cash.
Tonight was worse because he hated that Addie had been tainted by that part of him.
They’d left Limpy with a friend of Butch’s, and he hoped like hell the guy was trustworthy. That he didn’t betray them. But Butch had backed him, so it was going to be on him if he did.
They paid him enough not to, anyway.
“Best thing I ever found to come back into myself is sex,” Ralen told him.
“Yeah, well, that’s a certain type of sex, isn’t it? Wouldn’t trust myself right now with Addie. She doesn’t deserve that. We’ve barely even kissed. She’s not experienced. I’m not going to risk harming her.”
“Yeah, I guess I get that.” Ralen glanced behind him into the huge living area of the penthouse apartment. “But it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need you.”
Cash turned to see her standing there in an oversized T-shirt they’d picked up at a tourist shop on the drive here. Dotty had run in and grabbed a few things with Ralen so they’d have something to sleep in.
All of the tops had Las Vegas written on them. Addie’s was a charcoal gray. It was so long that it came down to the middle of her thighs. But Jesus, that left the rest of her legs bare. He hadn’t paid much attention to her legs before, and he could feel his cock pushing against his jeans.
Getting up, he walked to the door and stepped into the living room. “What’s wrong, Stowaway?”
He forced his voice to sound gentle, even if he didn’t feel at all that way. There was a husky rasp to it that wasn’t usually there.
She pressed her hands together. “I can’t be by myself right now. I just keep thinking about everything that happened, or everything that could happen. My mind goes over and over it.”
Shit, Ralen wasn’t wrong. She did need him. He was just going to have to control himself.
Nodding, he walked toward her and took her hand, leading her back to the bedroom. Then he shut the door behind them. She stood in the room with her arms wrapped around herself, trembling slightly.
Fuck.
She didn’t look like she was in a good way. He leaned back against the door and opened his arms.
“Come here, baby.”
She shook her head.
Now, that wasn’t a good idea. Right now, in order to keep himself under control, he needed to have full control. Which meant that she had to obey him.
“Listen closely to me. If I’m going to be in here with you, then you’re going to have to do exactly what I say.
You have a safeword, you say it, I stop, and I leave you alone for a while.
That doesn’t mean that I’m angry or that I’m rejecting you.
It just means I need a moment. Okay? If you don’t say your safeword, then I expect you to do what I tell you. ”
Fuck, he was being an asshole, wasn’t he? This wasn’t something she was ready for. He was treating her like a sub with experience, but she wasn’t.
She was new to all of this.
Not to mention, she was his forever girl.
The most precious thing in his world. She was fragile and he had to treat her as though she might break.
Because breaking her was the last thing he ever wanted to do.
“I shouldn’t be in here right now.” Turning, he grasped hold of the door handle. “Go sleep with your sisters, that way you won’t be alone tonight.”
Before he could leave the room, two arms wrapped around his waist, squeezing tight.
“No, please,” she begged. “I’ll do what you say. I promise. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Don’t leave.”
The panic in her voice broke through some of that darkness, offering a glimpse of light.
Turning, he wrapped her in his arms, picking her up. She immediately put her legs around his waist, holding on tight.
“I told you I’m not good company right now, baby,” he murmured. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
She leaned back, cupping his face with her hands. He kept a tight hold on her so she didn’t slip and fall.
“I don’t know why you keep insisting that you’re the bad guy, Cash Savage, because you’re not.
You’re my hero, and you won’t hurt me. I’ll do what you tell me to do, if that’s what you need.
Truth is, I’d prefer that anyway. Sometimes it’s better not to think, especially right now.
” A shudder ran through her. “I want you, Cash. I want you to stay with me. I want to sleep with you.”
“If things go further, I don’t want you to regret your first time being with me when I’m like this.
” He turned them so she was the one pressed against the door, then grasping hold of her hair, he drew her head back so he could kiss her.
It wasn’t a gentle kiss, it was hot and fiery.
His mouth took hers in a move that could only be described as possessive.
He wanted to show her that he was part beast right now. When he drew back, he expected her to look nervous or to pull away or change her mind. Instead, her eyes were half-lidded, her mouth open as she drew in fast breaths.
Her lips were wet, and he wanted to take them again, but he was giving her a moment to recover, to change her mind.
“So you see it’s not a good—”
“Kiss me again,” she interrupted him.
He froze. “What? Baby, that’s not what you’re meant to say.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“You’re meant to say that you don’t want me. That kiss was meant to scare you.”
“Scare me?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Then scare me again,” she ordered.
“Somehow, I don’t think that kiss had the effect I was hoping it would,” he said dryly.
“That kiss was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life,” she said. “I want more.”