Chapter 36
“Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday, dear Princessss… Happy Birthday to you!”
A sleepy smile tugs at my lips as Axel’s soft voice coaxes me awake. My eyes flutter open to find him leaning on one elbow, his face close to mine, his grin wide and warm. He dips down and kisses me, slow and sweet.
Waking up next to Axel every morning feels like a religious experience. Equal parts sacred and sinful. I try to focus on the good parts and ignore the guilt that simmers under the surface. I thread my fingers through his messy, dark hair.
“Hey, you,” I whisper.
“What should we do today?” he asks, eyes twinkling with mischief.
“Well, you should go to school, and I should start job hunting,” I say, because clearly someone here has to be responsible.
“Ugh,” he groans. “Do you know how unfair it is that I’m older than you but still stuck in class while you get to adult?”
“So unfair,” I echo with a smirk.
“Unbelievably unfair. I was thinking about playing hooky. Maybe having you all to myself.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“What about Nik? Are you inviting him too?”
“Nah. Your boyfriend’ll get over it,” Axel jokes.
“I’m not so sure about that,” I reply with a smirk.
“I’ll make it up to him.” He waggles his eyebrows in a way that’s far too suggestive for this early in the morning.
I bite my lower lip, heat pooling low in my belly. The thought of Axel and Nik together short-circuits my brain.
Axel’s gaze sharpens. “Oh, Princess. Maybe one day,” he murmurs, voice dipping lower, “you can watch.”
Yep. Brain officially broken.
“Don’t torment me,” I groan, half-laughing, half-desperate. My mind races, imagining all the things they probably do together. All the things we could do together.
“Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” I ask innocently.
“Like you need to be fucked,” he growls.
“Maybe I do,” I challenge.
Axel shifts, moving smoothly on top of me, settling between my thighs. His arms bracket my head, and his hips press down, a teasing weight against my core.
“You’re ready for this?” he asks, voice low, breath brushing my cheek.
“Yes,” I say again, positively sure.
His hips roll slightly, a slow, maddening grind. “You’re really sure?”
“Yes,” I moan, squirming beneath him.
“Then get up. We’ve got things to do, Birthday Girl!” he pops a kiss on my unsuspecting mouth and hops out of bed.
He’s halfway to the door before I recover from the whiplash and catch a very impressive bulge in his boxer briefs.
I prop myself up on an elbow. “You know… you don’t have to treat me with kid gloves because of my past. If I wasn’t ready or didn’t want something, I’d tell you.”
Axel studies me. “I know.”
“But do you?” I search his face, needing him to really hear me. “I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level. I care about you. You make me feel safe, and I know you’d stop if I asked.”
He exhales and sits back down beside me, facing me squarely. “Alright. Let’s have this talk. Easy questions first. Have you ever had sex?”
“Yes.”
“Are you on birth control?”
“Yes. I have an IUD.”
“Do you want to use condoms? I’m clean, but I don’t mind either way.”
“I’m clean, too. You don’t need one… unless you want to.”
He nods once. “Okay. Now the harder questions. Is there anything I shouldn’t do? Anything that might trigger you?”
I drop my eyes to my bedspread and trace the embroidered lavender flowers with a fingertip. The question is fair. It’s important. But answering it pulls me straight into dangerous territory.
“I… I’m not sure.” I glance up, and he looks confused. I get it. If you’ve had sex, you should have some idea of your likes and dislikes.
I close my eyes, because I can’t look at him when I say this.
“I’ve never had sex… willingly.”
The silence stretches. I keep my eyes clamped tight. I’m basically holding my breath waiting for him to say something. Anything.
“How many times?” His voice is tight.
I look up at him, startled. “What?”
“How many times did he hurt you?” His jaw clenches, rage and agony twisting his features.
“He?”
“Joe, Lina. How many times did he rape you? You scream his name in your sleep.”
Of course I scream his damn name in my sleep. My nightmares are memories that my brain can never forget or escape. He’s carved himself a space into my psyche.
“I don’t know,” I answer carefully.
I don’t say it out loud, but Joe had access to me for three years. That’s 1095 nights. I would know.
Axel’s eyes fill with something that looks like devastation. “Princess…”
“Don’t,” I say quickly. “Whatever you’re about to say, don’t. I don’t want your pity.”
I sit up straighter, needing him to understand.
“I don’t want to be treated like I’m different.
You make me feel… sexy. You stir something in me I didn’t even know was there.
For years, I thought I was broken. Teenagers are supposed to have urges, but I never had them.
Not until I got here. Not until you. I couldn’t understand why everyone raved about sex, but now, I’m starting to get it. ”
I take a breath.
“I want you to throw me on the bed and make love to me. I want you to chase me up the stairs and take me right against the door because we can’t possibly wait, even one more second, to make it to the bed.
I want you to flip my skirt up and take me from behind in a public bathroom.
I want you and Nik at the same time. I still want, no I need, what every woman wants.
What happened to me doesn’t change that. ”
I meet his amber eyes.
“I can’t promise I won’t be triggered. I don’t know what might set me off. But I trust you. And if you can be patient with me… I want to try.”
“I’ll be as patient as you need,” he promises.
A weight I didn’t even realize I was still carrying lifts off my shoulders. I feel lighter. Less haunted.
“I’ve never told anyone before,” I admit, voice low. “What Joe did. It started as lingering touches. And then it got worse as I got older. He always waited until my mom was passed out. Drunk, high, whatever. She never saw. Never heard. And when I finally told her…”
I laugh, but there’s no humor in it.
“She called me a liar. Said I was just trying to ruin her marriage. She could’ve left. Could’ve saved me. But instead, she stayed. She chose him.”
Axel doesn’t interrupt. He just listens.
“I tried telling a teacher once. It got to the police. But my mom told them I was starved for attention, and no one wanted to believe that the town’s adored sheriff could be a monster. They sent me home.”
I shake my head, remembering.
“Joe beat me that night. I don’t even remember how it ended. I just remember… I never tried to tell anyone again.”
Axel reaches for my hand, and I let him hold it.
“You’ve never been broken or damaged,” he says quietly. “You’re fucking incredible.”
And for the first time in a long time, I almost believe it.