Thirty
Thirty
“So…” he says, sounding tense, as we take a seat at a table inside the coffee shop.
“So…” I echo, looking around to check out the surroundings. It’s a quiet place, not very busy. The smells of coffee, cookies, freshly baked cake, and homemade jams fill the air.
“Your hair looks very nice like that,” he begins, in a tone of voice that I suspect he thinks is casual and relaxed. I get the feeling he wants to break the ice, but it’s going to take a whole lot more to do that, considering that what’s between us is really more of a giant iceberg.
“It’s new,” I answer impassively, touching the choppy gray ends.
“When you were little, you wouldn’t let anyone touch your hair. We had to bend over backward every time just to convince you to let us trim a few inches,” he says with a smile.
“Yeah, I remember.” I also remember that I loved it when he brushed my hair.
My father flags down a waitress, and we order drinks. He insists on also getting something to eat, and we hand back the laminated menus.
“How was your night?” he asks me.
“Fine.”
“And now…?” He sighs. “Are you okay now?”
I nod my head.
He squints at me. “You sure?”
“I’ve been better.”
“Would you…I don’t know…maybe like to talk about it?” he asks, looking uncertain and apprehensive.
“No. It’s just stupid matters of the heart.”
“Oh.” He sits up straighter. “I…I didn’t know that you…I mean, that you had a boyfriend.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know,” I tell him sharply.
He falls silent, looking at me like I just slapped him.
“Touché.” He stares down at his clasped hands on the table. I can almost see them trembling. “Listen, I want to apologize to you again. I know I handled your arrival in the worst possible way, but you have to believe me, I was completely caught off guard.”
I nod. “Yes, I can understand that.”
We are momentarily interrupted by the waitress, who sets our coffees down on the table. Then we’re alone again.
He takes a deep breath before making another attempt: “Vanessa, please don’t get me wrong, but…why are you here? Did something happen at home? Is your mother okay?”
“Nothing happened, and Mom is good. Or…how she always is, at least,” I manage, unable to suppress an annoyed grimace.
I take a drink of my coffee, and after dabbing my lips with a napkin, I continue: “Is it really so weird that after you completely disappeared for three years, I felt the need to come looking for you?”
“No, of course not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think that.” He fidgets in his chair as though it’s suddenly gotten too small to contain him. “Everything’s so difficult…”
“Yes, I actually find it very difficult to understand your choices,” I snap. I have no desire to be conciliatory. In fact, I don’t think I’m capable of it anymore.
“I must have looked like such a coward to you,” he says, almost ashamed. “But I want you to know that things are not always as they seem.”
I wrap my hands around my cup. “And what does that mean?”
We stare into each other’s eyes for a silent moment. “I never wanted to leave like that.”
Although I feel a pang in my heart, I am determined not to feel sorry for him. “But you did. And you never looked back. Which means, all things considered, it must have gone pretty well for you.”
He wrings his hands and says, almost breathlessly, “I had no choice.”
I stare at him, astounded. “You had no choice but to basically disown Mom and me, abandoning us like garbage on a curb?”
His eyes widen resentfully. Then he shakes his head and averts his eyes, focusing on stirring his coffee. “I wanted to call you, I wanted to come and see you, I wanted you to come see me, spend some time with Liam…but it wasn’t possible.”
“If you really wanted me, I would have gone with you. I don’t think you had a gun to your head.”
He bites his lip hesitantly. When he finally breaks the silence, he sounds like each word takes extreme effort. “It was your mother. She stopped me.” He says it through gritted teeth.
I leap to my feet, the legs of my chair screeching on the floor.
“I’m not going to let you say that about Mom!
She’s got a lot of flaws, and sure, she was angry and hurt at the time, but she knew how much I suffered because you weren’t there!
She never would have kept me from you! She never did!
You’re the one who left; you’re the one who chose another family.
Trying to shift the blame onto her just makes you a miserable, petty liar! ”
“Please believe me,” he begs, lowering his voice, probably in the hopes that I’ll do the same. “I’m not trying to shift the blame. I just want to be honest with you.”
I stare at him, my mouth fallen open. “And why on earth would she do that?”
“Because there are things…things you don’t know.”
“What don’t I know? What are you talking about?” I ask him, sitting back down.
He shakes his head. “You should ask your mother about it.”
“Well, as you can see, she isn’t here. But I am. So whatever it is, I want to know. And I want to know now. You owe me that much.”
“No, Vanessa. I’m sorry, but I promised your mother I wouldn’t—”
“I don’t care about what you promised her. You’re keeping something from me, and don’t you think I have a right to know what it is? I’m not a little girl anymore, and I don’t need to be protected from the world. I’ve grown up; I’m an adult now, and I demand to be treated like one.”
He doesn’t say a word. He faithfully keeps the silence he promised to my mother.
Drained, I make one last-ditch effort. “Dad, please. I’m so tired of dealing with these half-truths. I can’t stand it anymore. You’re always trying to protect me by keeping me in the dark, and all it does is hurt me even more. I’m saying please; I’m begging you…”
He closes his eyes, heartbroken. “I can’t do that to you…”
“Tell me,” I demand, grasping the arms of the chair tightly in my hands.
“I don’t…” My father loosens his shirt collar, undoing the first two buttons. “I wouldn’t even know where to start…”
“You can start wherever you want.”
“Before I tell you anything, I want you to know that everything I have done for you and with you, I have done out of love. And that love hasn’t changed over time, and it never will.
I put everything I had into our family. I tried my best to coparent you with Esther, passing on our values, giving you a good education.
I did whatever I could to be everything you could need: a father, a friend, a confidant. All I wanted was to make you happy.”
I can feel my saliva drying up and my heart beginning to race. Why does he feel the need to tell me this? I already know all this; I was there with him the whole time. “Where is this going?” I ask, bewildered.
“Have you ever wondered why I chose to pack my bags and disappear from your life like that?”
“Every day.”
“Did you ever find an answer?”
“Not one that made sense,” I say in a whisper, feeling increasingly uneasy.
“I would never have left you, Vanessa. I was ready to fight; I was prepared for a legal battle. I was determined to request joint custody, anything so I wouldn’t lose you.
I had a good lawyer, but Esther…she had pictures of Bethany and me.
Proof of my adultery. With that kind of evidence, my case would have been DOA.
She swore to me that if I didn’t disappear from your lives, she was going to ruin me.
She would have asked for damages. We’re talking about a lot of money here, Vanessa, a whole lot.
And with the evidence she had, she could have gotten it.
But she wouldn’t have stopped there. She would have taken the house, the car, and demanded not just child support for you but alimony for herself as well.
She promised me that, so long as I stayed in Corvallis, she wouldn’t work to force me to fund her life.
She was furious, she felt humiliated, and she didn’t want to see me ever again.
She didn’t want Bethany and me in the same city.
She was very clear with me; she was going to bankrupt me if I didn’t do what she wanted me to do.
Which was to go away forever and, above all else, to cut you off. ”
I stare at him in disbelief. It feels like someone launched me into another dimension. This cannot be true. It’s just a pack of lies on his part. My mother is manipulative, yes, but she’d never go that far. This is pure evil.
“What…? Why force you to leave the city? Why keep you from seeing me? Or even talking to me? She was mad at you, and she wanted to make you pay, but what did that have to do with me? That makes no sense. Despite the evidence of your affair and her all her threats, you still had the same rights as her when it came to me. You could have asked for sole custody. That way, the house would have stayed with you. I could have stayed with you. I would have done it, Dad. I’ve always been closer to you than to Mom, you know that. ”
“I couldn’t take you away from her,” he answered, his voice subdued. “No matter how dirty she played, I never would have done something like to her. It wouldn’t have been right.”
“It wouldn’t have been right to let me live with you? Why not?”
He lowers his head, absolutely wrecked. “Because she’s your mother.”
“And you’re my father.”
“No, I’m not.”
I am motionless, staring at him, unable to muster even a single word.
I’m gripping my coffee cup so tightly that I’m afraid I’m going to break it in my hands.
The low murmur around us no longer exists.
I don’t even know where we are anymore as I try to make sense of what he’s just said.
Then, stupefied, I loosen my grip on the ceramic mug and look directly into his eyes.
“Funny,” I scoff, trying to keep my fingers from trembling. “True, in recent years you haven’t exactly lived up to the title, but that doesn’t mean that you—”