Chapter 22 #3
“My reasons are similar to Abaddon’s,” Belphegor said.
“We cannot be made to walk on eggshells, to live in fear that even our most unobjectionable actions might draw his ire. Our opinions on the role humans play in our lives may be divided, but I think we can all agree that threatening the life of a child is beyond the pale. Lucifer must be brought to heel.”
Finn eyed Asmodeus across the pool table. “Why are you doing this?”
He tossed the eight ball back and forth between his hands. “Lucifer seeks to limit our relations with humankind. But see, me?” He pointed to himself. “I’m a diplomat at heart. Fostering inter-natural relations is a passion of mine.”
“Lucifer’s policies are blocking his cock,” Leviathan stage-whispered.
“And you?” Effie asked. “What’s the method to your madness, Leviathan?”
“I love how you assume there’s method in it.” He gave her a cheeky grin. “Hmm, I was bored? It sounded fun? I mean, I’ve never committed treason before. Why the hell not, right?”
“Leviathan, please.” Belphegor sighed. “Be serious.”
“The universe tends toward chaos; I don’t hear you questioning it, and yet you question me?
Rude.” He blew a raspberry at him. “Fine. At the rate this is going, one of these days, I’m bound to do something that puts me on Lucifer’s shit list, and I’d personally like to head the whole thing off at the pass. Happy?”
Belphegor nodded.
“Satan?” Finn asked.
“It’s a cliché, I’m embarrassed to admit, but Lucifer wronged me, and I’d like to see it righted. I suppose I’m seeking revenge.”
“What did he do?” Effie asked.
Satan ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck.
“He stole my sandwich from the OIIA break room even though it was very clearly labeled with my name. What’s mine, he believes, is his because we are so often mistaken for each other.
” His eyes, when he lifted his head, were black. “I’d like to see him suffer.”
What they all had in common was a desire to put Lucifer’s reign of terror to an end.
“I’m glad we’re all on the same page about taking Lucifer down,” she said. “But it begs the question of how. He’s in charge of everything.”
“There’s eight of us and one of him,” Abaddon said. “I don’t hate those odds.”
“Nine,” Finn said.
Beelzebub scoffed. “Try not to hinder us, human. How about that?”
Effie flipped him off. “Size isn’t everything, gentlemen. There are many instances throughout history wherein small forces have defeated much larger armies. We cannot rely on numbers alone.”
Abaddon nodded as if to concede the point.
“He’s proud,” Satan said, shrugging. “Too proud. I’ve always thought his arrogance might be his downfall.”
“So, what?” Effie said. “We try to capitalize on that?”
Mammon perked. “A bet.”
“Challenge him to something.” Finn nodded. “I don’t know if it holds water, but there’s a tale about a Scottish Royalist general who tricked the devil at a game of cards. We could challenge him to something we know we won’t lose.”
“I know the general of whom you speak, and he cheated, rather cleverly,” Mammon said. “But Lucifer won’t fall for the same trick twice.”
“Then, we challenge him to something we don’t need to cheat at,” Finn said.
“He won’t agree to it,” Abaddon said. “He was humbled rather badly by a fiddle player in this very state. He hasn’t agreed to a dare, challenge, or bet since. He’s arrogant, but he won’t walk into a trap.”
For a moment, no one spoke. Leviathan returned to the jukebox to pick a new song, and Asmodeus rolled the eight ball he’d been playing with across the table where it dropped into the corner pocket. Wait.
“Hold on,” Effie said. “What about an actual trap?”
Finn rubbed his chin. “Can you trap a demon?”
A look passed between the princes, a silent conversation.
Weaknesses among demons were seldom discussed. They could be exploited, and it was inadvisable to give humans any advantage over them.
“There are…ways,” Belphegor said haltingly. “Most are myth, but some are founded in truth. But they require obscure artifacts and ingredients that would be impossible to procure on short notice, even using magical methods.”
“Unless we contact the Vatican,” Leviathan suggested. “They could have a few fun tricks up their sleeves.”
Abaddon frowned. “I fear we’re thinking too literally.”
A headache was beginning to form between Effie’s brows. She was ashamed to admit that she’d hoped putting nine heads together to come up with a plan would’ve proved more fruitful. “Meaning what exactly? We’re not looking to defeat him figuratively. We need a real victory.”
“I’m saying we trap Lucifer, yes, but not in some artifact,” Abaddon said, his feet planted wide and his arms crossed over his chest. “We trap him by launching an attack he won’t see coming. The element of surprise might well be our greatest weapon.”
It might well be their only weapon.
“Would that it were so simple,” a voice said from behind Effie.
She sucked in a sharp breath, heart pounding. She knew that voice; she hated that voice. That voice meant she was fucked. They were all fucked.
“Lucifer.” Abaddon stared grim-faced over Effie’s shoulder. “How…good of you to join us.”