Chapter 15
IT’S EARLY, TOO EARLY.
I tiptoe down the beach, desperate to pee.
Rounding the corner, I pause when I see Kellen and Rachel standing by a large rock, talking.
It’s not that they’re talking that halts me, no, it’s the position they’re in.
Kellen is in front of Rachel, whose back is pressed against the rock, her head tipped back as she looks up at him.
His hand is pressing against it, right beside her head, and he is leaning in, saying something.
She looks frustrated, and is clearly telling him off.
They’re arguing about something, yet the position they’re in indicates that there is far more to that argument. It’s screaming sexual tension.
My heart skips a beat.
Is Kellen messing with Rachel, as well as Aggie?
I am about to turn away when Kellen leans down, capturing Rachel’s mouth in his.
He kisses her, almost ferociously, and she responds for a few seconds before pushing him back, saying something angrily in his direction before slipping out.
Oh. Shit. I turn and rush away before they notice me, making it back to camp just in time.
Kellen and Rachel return only seconds after me, and Rachel turns away, going back to her bed.
Kellen watches her, mutters a curse under his breath, then disappears down to the fire.
What the hell is going on there?
I glance over at Aggie, who is sleeping on her side, hands pressed under her face.
She really likes Kellen, at least, she likes the distraction he brings.
I wonder if she knows about Rachel, because there is clearly something happening there.
Do I tell her, or do I claim ignorance? I don’t like keeping anything from her, but at the same time, I really don’t know if there is anything to tell.
Maybe it’s nothing.
“One of you fuckers is lying.”
I flinch, shocked by the sudden burst of a voice.
It’s Zeke.
I turn just in time to see him coming out of his section, first aid kit in hand, waving it around. Confused, I shake my head. “What are you talking about?”
Ace comes up from near the fire, his eyes narrowing on Zeke, and Tatiana slowly wakes from her sleep.
Aggie is out, unbothered by the little outburst. Sitting up, Tatiana rubs her eyes, trying to focus.
Rachel crosses her arms, glaring at Zeke like she’s already sick of his shit even though he just started speaking.
“Someone is taking medication, and I am certain of it. I have been keeping track, counting, and there are painkillers missing. Someone is fuckin’ stealing.”
Everyone falls silent.
We let it go last time, but to be fair Zeke has been over the top keeping everything under lock and key so that we have it if we need. He is a survivalist, and the fact that he has noticed, means he’s right. Someone is taking pain medication. But who?
“Okay, let’s calm it down and see if we can figure out what’s goin’ on here,” Ace says, putting his hands up.
Kellen joins the group again. Zeke glares at all of us, his eyes fixing on Adrian.
Adrian throws his hands up. “Don’t look at me. You know I suffer from constipation, Zeke.”
God, he’s strange, but we love him all the same.
“Someone better speak up,” Zeke goes on, glaring at all of us.
“Don’t look at me,” I throw my hands out. “I’m with Adrian on this one.”
“Okay, look,” Ace says, always the peacemaker even though right now, his face is black and blue.
“Here’s the thing, we’re all here together and we’re all goin’ through it, so we should be able to rely on each other and help each other through whatever shit times we’re having.
So, if you took them, just speak up and we can work it out. ”
More silence.
“Just fuckin’ speak up,” Zeke barks.
I spin on him. “Listen here, buddy. Screaming at people isn’t going to help. You need to take a step back and stop being so fucking full on.”
Ace’s brows go up at my outburst.
Zeke even looks shocked. “Those painkillers could save us one day, so yeah I’m goin’ to be angry about it.”
“I understand that,” I say. “But we’re all in this together, and maybe we need to give whoever it is a chance to speak up without being fucking attacked.”
Aggie is awake now, sitting up, her eyes darting between us as she is trying to put the pieces together.
Zeke doesn’t stop. “Well, this ain’t about you, Gracie, so shut the fu—”
“It was me.”
The voice comes from the most unexpected person.
Tatiana.
I am so shocked, I turn, eyes wide, sure I heard it wrong.
Everyone is silent, staring at her, and I know they’re all shocked.
“I have a problem,” Tatiana goes on, and my heart is pounding against my chest. “After I ran out of my anti-anxiety pills, I was struggling, but it isn’t just that... I... I was using, before this trip. It started out small, some painkillers for my ankle and...”
My heart explodes as I rush towards her, throwing my arms around her neck. She loses it, crumbling into me. “Oh honey,” I say, my eyes burning. “You should have told us. You never had to do that alone.”
“Oh sweetheart,” Aggie is by our side now, too, her arms around the both of us. “My sweet girl, you should have spoken up.”
Tatiana is sobbing, heavily.
It’s horrible.
“Fuck,” Zeke mutters. “Tatiana, I’m sorry.”
Tatiana shakes her head, pulling away and swiping her tears. “No, don’t be sorry. I made a mistake. I... I was too scared to tell anyone, and I thought if I could just take one here and there, it might get me through the withdrawals.”
“How bad is it?” Ace asks, his voice low.
Tatiana just stares at the ground, tears dripping quietly into her lap, her hands shaking so violently that Aggie reaches over and folds them between her own.
The rest of us don’t move. I’ve heard the word “withdrawal” before, but I’ve never actually seen it.
Tatiana looks hollowed out, like some part of her evaporated and left the rest of her on autopilot.
We had all noticed, of course, but we figured it was just being stuck out here.
A depression of sorts.
Ace crouches down in front of her, meeting her eyes. “You been using every day?” he asks, but gently, so gently it almost hurts.
She shakes her head, a sharp, desperate movement.
“No, just enough. I—I thought maybe it would get better on its own if I kept cutting down, but it didn’t.
I tried, I really did, I just—” She covers her face for a second, then looks at us, and I’ve never seen her so exposed.
“Do you know what it’s like to need something so badly you’ll do anything just to get a little bit of it? That’s what this feels like.”
I nod, even though I don’t. Maybe I just want her to know I’m listening.
Zeke is watching us, and Kellen and Adrian stand back, their faces careful. Rachel is standing, not saying a word, just watching with an odd expression on her face. Maybe this is a familiar story to her. Who knows. None of us really know a great deal about the others, not really.
“Why didn’t you just say something?” Zeke asks. “If it was that bad?”
Tatiana’s voice is tiny, so quiet. “I was scared and embarrassed. It isn’t easy to admit you have a problem that big.”
“I’m so sorry we didn’t notice, even back then,” Aggie whispers. “I didn’t know your ankle had gotten so bad...”
“It started with my ankle, but it escalated from there. The doctor gave me codeine, told me not to dance for a month, but the competition—” she swallows, shakes her head again.
“I danced anyway, and it didn’t get better.
They started giving me cortisone, but I kept pushing, and then I hurt my back.
I was in so much pain and they put me on oxycodone for that.
It turned everything off. That’s the only way I could keep performing.
The pills were the only thing that made me feel normal.
It’s the real reason I walked away from my lead position.
Somehow, they found out and I was forced to step down. ”
How did they find out?
I’m confused, but I say nothing, because right now isn’t the time.
Her voice, for a moment, is terrifyingly flat.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that alone,” I say, my voice soft.
“I thought I had it under control until the Oxy ran out. The doc wouldn’t refill, he said I was getting dependent.
I found it somewhere else. Didn’t take much, but I needed it.
Now, here...” Her eyes water again. “I’m sorry.
I tried to make it last, but it wasn’t enough and it hurt in a way I can’t even explain. ”
Ace looks over at Zeke, then Kellen. “How many left?”
Zeke’s jaw works. “Ten.”
Ace thinks on it. “We can try and wean you down, but ten tablets isn’t enough to do that. The only option might be cold turkey. It will hurt like hell, but it’s the quickest and easiest way while we’re stuck out here.”
Tatiana’s laugh is sharp and bitter. “Have you ever seen someone go cold turkey? It’s terrifying. I’ll probably be screaming and crying,” she exhales, long and slow, “But it’s fine. What choice do we have? We’re stuck here.”
I squeeze her arm. “You’re not alone, okay? No matter how hard it gets, we will be here every single step of the way. We will not let you go through this alone.”
Aggie rubs Tatiana’s back, her voice positively fierce. “We’re with you. We have electrolytes which will help, and we will take turns to make sure someone is by your side the whole time.”
There’s a moment where we all share a look, a knot of terror and affection and pity, and I know that no matter what happens next, nothing will be the same.
Tatiana looks up, her breath shaky. “I’m scared.”
“I won’t sugar coat it,” Ace says. “It’ll hurt, it will, but once it’s over... it’s over. When we get back, you can get some help to make sure you don’t relapse. We got this.”
Tatiana presses her hands to her face, and I think she’s hiding tears again, but then she takes a deep breath and lifts her chin. “Okay,” she says. “I’m ready.”
I want to feel hope, but I don’t. I just feel raw.
It’s terrifying.
Anything could go wrong.
But what choice do we have.
We have to do this, for her.
IT’S HORRIBLE.